Losing friends rapidly

[Sa Skimrande]

For seven years I have had a bunch of close friends and it seems in the last month or two they are drifting away. Now it always was that we saw each other about three times a week but recently I am finding I am being excluded from the group. This isn't new, this is something I have experienced all my life and understand people get bored with me, but this last lot, too much is changing for them where with me it is the same as usual.

 

One I met was a basket case schizophrenic who had never worked a day in his life seven years ago, whom I helped to see things differently to the point he actually called me the brother he wished he had had, but now he is most scathing of my being, he not short of income has put himself on courses and qualified, bought equipment and set up his own business and now all of a sudden I am flawed beyond reason and he is vociferous in saying so.

 

Another I befriended when she moved here without a social belonging, it was me that introduced her to the mob and me who tried to stop her becoming homeless through my own limited funds of which she doesn't know and it was me that stored her personal belongings for a year whilst she went home for that time, but her having in that time qualified as a counsellor suddenly has no time for me.

 

And the other dating a lass fifteen years his junior, a one time student where he worked, a christian he proudly boasts to uplift his moral behaviour above all others just seems to go with the flow set by the other two. A person who I have helped with my abilities many a time.

 

Yes I know I dwell in negativity, I have good reason as things are not improving in my life, in fact they getting worse as I don't have the financial back up the others do and I am usually introverted, I can't help that, I cannot suddenly wave a magic wand and become something different to what I am for I have done it all before so many times of trying to re invent myself but I am just too tired, worn out from struggling against the grain, but I really struggle to understand why my friends are being so negative towards me when it is every one of them has benefitted from my abilities and moral code, which was always selfless, the things one does to help friends in need, but when I need no one is interested and no one wants to know.

 

But friends, what are they if they are not people flung together because we have something the other needs, for it is true we learn from our friends and we teach our friends and when the time is ripe they drift away, I can accept that if one by one paths diverge, but all at the same time I just don't understand and can only think I am being alienated for some reason I don't know about beyond the fact that I am self destructive, I know that as do my friends, but it was not an issue when they needed but it is now.

 

And so as I st here thinking do I really want to attend the pub quiz night tonight, which was at one time the highlight of my week, last week alienated I sat on my own, do I really want to bother going there tonight or is it better I just don't bother as my thick skin has worn very thin this year and I am feeling the atmosphere when my 'friends' are forced to socialise with me.

 

As atmospheres I feel when negativity is abound, it is like hitting a wall and my mood once good quickly dissolves when I feel that barrier my friends are setting up when I am expected to be around.

 

They never call, they used to but not anymore and so the thought is to call them, but it is always that I do, but they never have the inclination to call me when tensions are high so I think why bother for it is clear I am not wanted.

[LancsLad]

I don't think 'real' friendship can ever be based on a foundation position where there is an exchange of 'neediness', even if that exchange is one directional, not sure if that is even a word, but I hope you get what I mean. When someone is 'needy' it never works for an extended period and so never lasts in my experience. Whether you are the taker or the giver it doesn't matter the relationship is flawed. Now that is not to say we can't get things from those types of relationships, we might even say "it was good while it lasted", and i think this is possibly the right approach here Sa Skimrande.

 

My more meaningful friendship have been based on positions which are far more neautral and they can survive on that basis, we just ge on as you might say. At times we do recognise each other has needs and we might service those needs if we choose to do so, but the validity of the friendship is not based on having to do so rather giving is a gift, and recieving a pleasure.

 

Some people might say choose your friends better, but I don't believe you can choose friends, they just seem to come along in different guises and some might last and some might go. I think the secret is to see them for what they are and don't artificialy raise them to something they never where. I believe that is an indication of your own neediness and as such I guess we all have the potential to destroy friendships when we start to see ourselves as being 'needy' as oposed to taking responsibility for our own 'needs' and taking other things in life as a bonus.

 

Just a thought.

[Lyndalou]

I think it's fair to say that having friends can be difficult, especially when times get tough because it's then that you know if you're both in it for the long haul. Sometimes, friendships wane and then they get better again and then sometimes they fade and you drift your own ways.

 

You are very upset right now and you have every right to feel the way you do if you have invested a lot of yourself in these friendships. It might simply be the time to ask yourself if you are getting anything out of these friendships and if they are worth fighting for. How you feel could be coloured by your mental health issues right now and it is a possibility that you are so supersensitive that you are seeing things that aren't there. However, I would be tempted to say you need to trust your gut reaction that they are being 'off' but it might be that there is an element of 'mirroring' as you are so on edge around them right now.

 

Maybe you need to ask them? Do you have anything to lose that you don't feel you've already lost? Or are you prepared to walk away and not know for sure?

 

I hope you find your way out of this and find friends in time who appreciate and value your friendship <'> .

[Sa Skimrande]

Two have come back the third one no one has seen for weeks yet he is around and he concerns me the most because we were close at one time hence he saying I was the brother he had wished he had had. One of my friends that has come back is of all things a mental health councillor, which kind of makes me question to what efficacy given they apparently cannot deal with me when I am less than positive sometimes.

 

The other well it's not quite as it was before but he is also perturbed by the one mentioned first's continuation of rejection as in his rejection of me he is also rejecting the others. But as I said that one was a basket case when I first met him in and out of the mental hospital with apparent schizophrenia and yes he does have a fair few ASD characteristics and it is perhaps why and how I managed to help him over the years because I knew what he was feeling and he did remark on that that I was the only one that could converse with him and continue conversation when he was at his rawest, where others, the other friend would start thinking it's mental health issues and how could I understand enough to be comfortable in conversation, but this was prior to me being diagnosed with AS. But I sussed his problems were about his parents long ago and I taught him how to evade parents when they were not wanted through the use of white lies as prior to he just trundled to them when they demanded whether he wanted to or not and was consumed with anger and self hatred afterwards for his weaknesses, you know the evasion method of not saying yes immediately, but Hang on, I will check my diary, which gives thinking time to process thoughts where a better decision can be made, where you have control over the decision and if the mood is not good just say you are doing something else on that day or at that time.

 

But where I have degraded since the AS diagnosis, he has continued to improve and now doesn't understand why I am also not up at his level where he has sorted he is in control regards his time and his parents and so he has put himself on training courses and bought tools and equipment and has now started his own business as the first work he has ever done, he is going from strength to strength but does not understand why I have lost my edge. Three weeks back he was particularly nasty towards me and very insulting and I am only hoping it is his new found confidence that has got the better of him for him to be like that. But it's up to him as I am not going to make any effort to soothe the situation, because that is what I always do whether the fault is mine or not and I have to stop that as it destroys me when I do it.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Sa Skimrande