Constantly called bitter or jealous because of the way I express myself

[dekaspace]

I thought I would discuss this, I do suffer from bad depression but the main issue is I focus on things a lot.

 

I grew up in a poor family and going to a school that seperated the middle class and working class kids and the unemployed regardless of skill i.e the middle class ones went straight into the top classes the instant they were in high school, got offered spanish, french, german language choices where the poor kids were forced to do French unless they got high grades then could pick German but never Spanish, I grew up with things like chocolates for christmas and cheap toys that broke whilst kids in my class got games consoles, bikes, holidays abroad every year.

 

At first all I really did was think I loved what I had but wished I had more within reason i.e I would rather get a second hand good bike that was very cheap than a expensive bad one but I didnt get either as parents didnt have cash, or I wanted a game that may cost £60 at launch but I would love a birthday present when it went down to like £20 that sort of thing.

 

After I left home I mellowed on this a little apart from when I was forced to get the first accomodation I could find as could not afford expensive deposits so people may have been paying the same but had posh properties and me in grotty bedsits, then at college I was bullied by lecturers as was seen as just another number but they went out tof their way to help certain kids i.e the middle class ones as they may have been friends with relatives of the student or the person had cash to impress them i.e I would go to library and research from books as this was when pcs were only found in middle class familys and even then one per house whilst they had their own pcs or could afford to go to internet cafes, or even if they needed a book they paid full price at somewhere like Waterstones and I had to rely on someone returning a library book to research.

 

This sort of thing has continued for years so now aged 30 and after a family member died 10 years ago I went through my depressive phase and kept dropping out of college whilst seeing 18 year olds come in and throw money away, make zero effort and get good grades etc and I just got upset more than bitter so when I had a chance to talk I focused on what could of been and how they had it easier but people accused me of being bitter.

 

I am not bitter more that the way I see things is that they had more opportunities to suceed and if they failed they had a large safety net where I could not take a chance to suceed and was so used to not having luck that I did not take the risks and preferred to spend my money on the now to make myself feel better.

 

Just wanted to discuss this and get peoples opinions on this.

[Tomas]

Hi

 

I can kind of relate to your experience from different points of view. You see, I was somewhere in the middle as far as family wealth and class, and I went to many different schools, some full of rich kids, others full of poor, so effectively I have experienced being the one with less than most, and one of the kids with more than others too. I appreciate, that my situation was unusual, but you'll have to trust me when I say I really understand.

 

As an adult I have been poor all my life, and at times have been homeless, despite having educated middle income parents.

 

Personally, I think we can find reasons to be resentful of our circumstances, even if we are not exactly sure what is holding us back. I was so confused about my problems growing up, because I didn't know I was autistic. Neither did anyone else, and so consequently I have had people saying "you have everything you need, what's your problem?!", or "it's not about what you've got, it's how hard you try!".

 

I really believe that if at the times I had felt poor I had possessed more, it would not have helped in the slightest. Likewise, when I was better off than the others, it did me no good, I was still in utter turmoil. This is because I had learning difficulties and social problems that no-one could understand or help with, instead I was always labelled "trouble".

 

I don't deny that there are clear benefits for those born into privileged families, on the contrary, I wholeheartedly acknowledge this. My point is that sometimes, it isn't about that at all. I'm not saying that this is the case for you, but it was for me.

 

At 40, I can look back and see kids from a range of backgrounds, all of whom have had varying degrees of success. In fact I can think of many who are now dead, and several who are extremely successful. While those from affluent backgrounds generally fair better. If people have issues not related to wealth and class, that are not attended to, then they can fail dismally, irrespective of their background.

 

Of course, without the basics, such as a roof, food, and enough cash for a quality of life above poverty, it is very tough indeed for anyone to succeed. That's why I believe in the socialism, the NHS, etc.

[dekaspace]

I totally agree, each time I have mentioned what I dont have or that I have it hard the people who have it mention what I do have and how poor kids in third world countries and all that

 

The one that really annoyed me though was someone mentioning that they had family problems so because I had a stable family I had a better life than them despite having like 1 pair of trousers a year, never eating out(that never bothered me as much as people thinking it was normal to do so) and often struggling to afford to eat and sitting in the cold as parents couldnt afford heating and having a house that had rotting wood as council never repaired it, having bare floorboards as couldnt afford carpets.

 

I always enjoyed what I did have more than I could get apart from just knowing I had them and people thinking they were better as they had something as I grew up playing ZX Spectrum when friends had Mega Drives, Amigas etc, and when I got a mega drive everyone was getting a playstation, but I was obsessed with gaming to the point I did not go to school discos but that was more due to my aspergers,

 

To me its more that people never noticed me as I was never one certain thing, I had health issues but as it wasnt something like cancer I was just told at least I had my health, I was depressed but was told just pull my socks up, I could barely afford to make ends meet working and was told to work harder or do more hours, I was overweight despite eating next to nothing(I almost starve sometimes) to be told to eat less and exercise, pretty much was told everything was my fault and only I could change things even when I went to a councellor a few years ago and said that I was nervous I was told I depended too much on others.

 

Its all about support really, the kids I know from wealthy families even if they did badly were encouraged and motvated by people but as I was from a poor family nothing was expected of me and I was told that I should just work harder, I have even been turned down for jobs and even houses due to where I come from or my parents were poor and I am not talking about them being worried that being on benefits makes it harder to pay I mean being told to my face that they dont want people who come from benefit backgrounds as they drink and take drugs and commit crimes.

[trekster]

I had to change my counsellor because she kept thinking certain parts of me were by choice.

 

Whats helped me have been a number of things,

 

1, changing what I ate so avoiding gluten and dairy for the autism, soya for the hormone fluctuations, pineapple for the EDS and benzoate or tartaric acid for the angry type depression.

 

2, finding a counsellor that wished to work on things at my own pace. Done things such as making lists of safe people so I can tell who to trust, asking how to express my needs in a friendly way, working out how to overcome my past experiences (which have resulted in complex Post traumatic stress disorder), how to tell if someone is really my friend, how to recognise danger, whether how im feeling is understandable for someone in my situation. I try and avoid people who really don't get it and when they happen to be in your family this is much harder to do.

 

3, added in supplements that are known to help with anger, depression, memory, sleep etc. I have to make sure they are free from rubbish and ingredients which would add to the problem.

 

4, found autism friendly spaces in my area or created them where none existed. Talking on here has helped to an extent.

 

5, found some volunteer work which helps me feel good and worth carrying on, speaker work for example.

 

6, gone to my MP when I tried all other routes to getting help.