Just so fed up

[kazjam]

Sorry this is long.

My son started being a problem at 11yrs old. Problems started at school. He was diagnosed at 11 with aspergers. He was expelled from one school who I thought didn't help him...the next school he did school refusal then I got him one to one tuition at a college but he started to refuse that too.

By last year he was lying around all day in my house.....sleeping all day....on xbox all night....mouthy...impossible and violent.

In the meantime my husband died and I just found it impossible to cope so one day after social services wouldn't help to remove him from my house...he tried to strangle me...I called the police and he has been at my mums ever since....just over the road.

I see him occasionally I take him out but he is very difficult and maniupulative with me.

In sept I got him into a boarding school as he is quite clever but had wasted away his education. He started to do well but by Christmas his report said he was smokiing and he is in with the wrong children and I fear we are back on the slippery slope downhill.

I didn't see him over christmas as I refuse to have him in my house....only a very short time on christmas day when someone else was with me in case he kicked off. I feel cruel.

Alongside this my mother is not helpful. She lost my dad some years ago and then relied on my brother so he is 45 lives at home and they are like a married couple and they are jealous of me. For since whenever I can remember they have poisoned my son against me saying I put men in my life before him...which is totally wrong....but I think it has been drilled into his head so much he believes it and is part why he is angry and violent to me.

The psychologist sees all this....he is the only one who understands and he says they have groomed my son and they are very controlling.

My son now wants a car and to come home and whenever I see him thats all he will talk so our times out are ruined as i refuse both. Today I took him out and he was getting so difficult he asked me to buy him cigarettes and Im ashamed to say I was so scarred he would turn violent on me that I did...but this means I now can't see him on my own again as he will resort to violent blackmail to get me to do what he wnats.

Other people dont see this sometimes as he can come accross as a lovely boy so polite....but there is this other side.

I am so depressed about it all. I live in a small group of houses near my mum and she and my brother have told the neighbours Im awful to have kicked out my son. Also I met an american online when my husband died who helped me all year messaging me and on the phone and he came to stay at Christmas and I had terrible guilt. I would have loved my son to have been there with me and met him and us had christmas together but I couldn't due to his violent behaviour towards me.

I feel though that again my son will be told I am putting a guy before him which is so untrue as I was with my husband 15 yrs and my son is 17yrs so he had a constant presence of a male role model all that time.

Its so complicated.

What I feel now is I am bereaved....I have no husband to help me....I had no job but luckily I have a little one now.....but I would like to just walk away from it all....my family and son just now. I'd hope my son will see the light and we can patch up our relationship but I just can't see how that can happen.

I think maybe due to the aspergers he will always be like this....I don't know.. I find it so hard. I love my son but I can't be with him because of how he is and other people...my family are making it so worse by poisoning him up against me.

I don't know what to do. I'm sorry

I am talking to the psychologist later this month and trying to get a counsellor too to talk this all through

[Sally44]

And I think that Christmas is a time when anyone not living the "ideal" family life feels it hitting them harder than ever.

 

It is good that you have some professional to talk these things over with. You do sound very low. Do you think you are depressed? Have you been able to grieve for your husband? Or have you just had to get on with things and now all those emotions are coming to the surface again?

 

Is there any other way you can get out the house to meet people - hobbies etc?

 

But I really think you need to stick to your guns with your son and your family. If you give it once it makes it harder to refuse the next time. And as you say, if they believe that using a certain tactic has worked, they will try to use it again.

 

Have you ever confronted your mother/brother about the things they say about you and how that is not helpful and is affecting how your son behaves with you.

 

It may not all be down to them anyway. How your son understands what is happening socially and emotionally could be affected by Aspergers as those are the types of difficulties typical of that diagnosis. But that does not mean you have to put up with abusive or violent behavior.

 

What are the school suggesting could be done to get him into a better circle of friends? And what are they doing about his inappropriate behavior either in school or at home. I don't just mean about punishment. I mean about teaching him what is appropriate behavior and what is unacceptable.

 

Christmas is often a difficult time for families. Those with children/adults on the spectrum can sometimes find it harder due to the change of routine, additional visitors or visiting, general christmas bustle everywhere, expectations etc.

[kazjam]

Thank Sally you make me feel so much better. Im hoping to take my son out for coffee later today......I have the psychologist lined up to see and I will def get in touch with school after reading what you have said.

Yesterday it just all seemed to be getting all on top of me.Thanks for listening.

[oxgirl]

Hi Kazjam, I hope you had a nice coffee with your son today. It sounds like you really need a break from it all, you have been carrying all of this on your own and trying your best to do right by your son and it is exhausting. Could you sit down with your son and really spell it out to him? Make clear to him that you love him and will always be there for him, but that you cannot put up with the way that he treats you and you won't allow it anymore. You could continue to meet regularly in public, but as soon as he starts to try and manipulate or bully you, walk away and refuse to allow him to make you do things you don't want to. Is it possible to move a little further away from the situation? Not too far, but just enough to give yourself some distance from your mother? Make clear to your son that how he treats you is not acceptable and that you won't allow it anymore and that if he wants to continue to see you he must change his behaviour.

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited January 8, 2015 by oxgirl