Relationships

[sizzler]

Hello there, I'm new to this site. I have joined to understand Aspergers a bit more. My boyfriend has it and I am finding it hard to get my head around. My boyfriend is so amazing. He's kind, intelligent and loves me very much. However, we keep getting into conflicts, especially about the way we parent my two children. I want us to be able to discuss things without it erupting into anger or isolation. I find myself getting hurt, and him getting frustrated. I'm trying to think of ways that will make communication better.

I know it's early days, but I really believe he is "the one". Any advice about communication, emotions and conflict would be much appreciated.

[Mihaela]

Welcome to the forum, Sizzler. I'm not all that good at relationship advice, but as an I'm on the spectrum, I do know what it's like to have friction in a relationship due to A.S. At least you know that he has Asperger's, which isn't always the case. Can you identify the areas that that cause this friction? You say it relates to bringing up the children. Are there particular specific 'triggers' involved, or certain areas that you feel afraid to mention for fear of a conflict? Sometimes these can be very trivial, but they can easily become blown out of all proportion. Presumably, being an Aspie, he'll have a logical thinking style. Perhaps he's right, from a rational point of view, but you feel he's wrong from an emotional/intuitive point of view. Does he look at these differences in a logical way? Is he possibly even being more reasonable than you? I think the only solution would be to find a middle ground and come to a compromise.

 

I seem to have asked a lot of questions here, but really they're questions you should be asking yourself. You're seeing the symptoms, and need to try to be emotionally distanced before you can get closer to the causes. Not very easy!

[sizzler]

Thank you for replying. I think you put it so well in your last paragraph. I am being emotional at times and forgetting that his thought processes are different to mine. This leads to him being frustrated that I don't see things logically at times. We have talked about having a time-out from each other if we can't resolve an issue there and then. He seemed to like that idea.

He told me he'd like me to explain my emotions and why I feel the way I do, which I also think will help.

He is so amazing to be with, but also confusing at tines. I guess we all are though.

Thanks again.

[trekster]

Can you go to relate? They've some experience in helping asperger folk in relationships.

[Mr Salvador]

hi, I guess now I have to admit that I am that boyfriend. maybe not yours but I am him, the story is so similar to my own I had to ask my girlfriend it she had been on here before me?!

 

so I guess even though I cannot empathise with you I maybe able to ofer some thoughts from the other side of the coin...

 

I can say this for one thing, there may be times where he ..oh cant swear here think of another word... he gets on your wick, and really makes you question it all, but I love my girlfriend very much as im sure he does for yuou. maybe emotions aren't something we do well but I know love when I meet it, even though it does become my obessesion and make it hard for people to be loved by me. not sure if that makes sense to NT's but let me see if I can say it another way....

 

none of it is on purpose and no harm is meant to you, sometimes we just don't understand things until we have more information and need to ask questions to find out and understand the situation better. obviously in relationships NT's seem to take trust for granted but, and im not sure if this is just me but trust isn't something that comes naturally as many things are either not undersood or misunderstood and as I said,m furterh questions need to be asked. this does not mean that we don't trust you it just means that I need to ask you more information so that I can further understand that which you want me to understand so that calmness can be achieved and trust builds from there I guess although you should expect that trust issues maybe come hand in hand with not understanding the situation fully.

 

when I go to new places I need to ask wuestions about what is there and how long im gonna be there and whos gonna be there and where the exits are and all that...doesn't mean im scared to be in that place I guess im just bit scared of not knowing whats on the other side of the door. does that make sense?

 

im quite sure your fella loves you and is the beautiful person you describe, as my girl does me, don't let the stress bits inbetween spoil the good vibes. not sure if its just me or if others agree here but sometimes we just get stress about not a lot and it doesn't mean we're secretly an idiot and you're wrong in loving him. maybe it just means that you have to think about or redefine what you're definition of love and the thing about your relationship that you connect about...

 

does that make sense?? I hope it does. I guess really im answering as if you were my gf as I am trying to learn about empathy as I know I upset her in the way you feel like your guy did to you.... I guess I hope she understands the way im hoping you will about yours

 

 

[Mr Salvador]

Welcome to the forum, Sizzler. I'm not all that good at relationship advice, but as an I'm on the spectrum, I do know what it's like to have friction in a relationship due to A.S. At least you know that he has Asperger's, which isn't always the case. Can you identify the areas that that cause this friction? You say it relates to bringing up the children. Are there particular specific 'triggers' involved, or certain areas that you feel afraid to mention for fear of a conflict? Sometimes these can be very trivial, but they can easily become blown out of all proportion. Presumably, being an Aspie, he'll have a logical thinking style. Perhaps he's right, from a rational point of view, but you feel he's wrong from an emotional/intuitive point of view. Does he look at these differences in a logical way? Is he possibly even being more reasonable than you? I think the only solution would be to find a middle ground and come to a compromise.

 

I seem to have asked a lot of questions here, but really they're questions you should be asking yourself. You're seeing the symptoms, and need to try to be emotionally distanced before you can get closer to the causes. Not very easy!

hi, I guess this is the problem though isn't it? sizlers bf, as I am, is probably 'too' logical and what seems logical and reasonable to me doesn't always seem so 'reasonable' to my emotionally minded gf. finding the words to explain is hard... so if theres been tension, and I go off to process and rationalise whats just happened, my logical brain makes the decision that if I do this and she does that then the trouble will cease. however she divulges to me that even though what im saying would make sense in another situation, right now shes upset and/or angry and even though she knows what im saying IS a solution, that 'right now' shes not ready to talk because shes still feeling the emotion that I either never had about it or dropped rather too quickly for her liking. middle ground isn't usually one of my traits, not sure about anyone else but im usually either red hot switched on or stone cold switched off mode. middle ground and compromise is hard for me because I guess ive already assessed the situation and know that my view makes sense but when others make decisions with emotion and no logic its hard for me to give up ground on that. oh dear me how is that even helpful... ok try again... so maybe im trying to say to you that middle ground would be the answer if the partner can causiously explain to the aspie that there is logic on compromise and explain 'how' what you are trying to get your aspie to understand about the relationship issues has logic to it. when my gf says to me she wants space I think she doesn't love me and start the anxiety cycle...since she has researched more about aspergers she is learning to be more descriptive about the 'why'. she then explained to me that just because I am very tactile with her doesn't mean that she is in the mood to be tactile, doesn't mean she doesn't love me but she is just trying to say to me that at that moment she is looking for some time to reflect on her own thoughts as they don't happen at the speed mine do. she explains to me that if I can learn to give her the space she needs and leanr to pick up the mannerisms and expressions NT's notice more easily, and allow her to process her day at work, or trouble with kids etc, that she will come to me for hugs and physical contact. and that if I can learn this patient approach that she is more likely to come to me feeling horny instea\d! ...Since she explained the details of the situation, that apparently 'everybody just knows', we are aking progress with our relationship slowly but surely. She is also learning that empathy is not sometihiung I can do and perhaps you can learn too, that you must be super descriptive when it comes to feelings and I for one don't have many and don't understand thiose very well at all. don't be afraid to talk to him about how you feel, just choose your terminology wisely and remember to say stuff like 'you did this, this is how it made me feel, incase you don't understand that feeling its like this... and this is what I would like you to do about it for the following reasons' maybe that could help?