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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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Louie

Feeling really low

7 posts in this topic

I've been diagnosed with Aspergers and ever since its been like my wife wants to point it out, it's me that's got a problem, it's me that's difficult to live with.....today, perfectly normal day, no issues (that I am or was aware of), then bang just because I mention one thing, about not wanting to watch a particular to show - literally grounds for divorce......isolated again - I'm not sure I can cope with this... :(

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She is being controlling and unnecessary cruel. Was she with you when you got diagnosed and spoke to the clinician before you left? Would she attend a carers support group or go with you to relate counselling? If not then she has the problem.

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It is a hard and lengthy process for some partners to fully come to terms with in a hurry
My experience was my partner going through denial, stigma/embarrassment, ridicule, irritation, anger, acceptance.
They don't want to partner the aspergers ... just the person you were.

If its a late life diagnosis its a lot to accept and also a newly diagnosed will be preoccupied for a long time trying to understand their condition.
This 'absence' (while you are working it all out) can be hard for a partner to accept ... naturally they will feel shut out to some degree and there will be periods when they don't feel they can rely on you as before. Patience, understanding and acceptance may help and hopefully things will return as they were in time. I hope things improve for you

Maybe not a popular comment, but I think that also sometimes when we are preoccupied we don't see how separate challenges in our partners lives are impacting them and how deep or prolonged that impact is. Your partners short temper may be due to something entirely seperate to yourself which may have gone under your radar. I guess I've just said what I said before, but I'll leave it there ...

Edited by trekster

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I've had another situation tonight.....and I'm at a loss about how to react....I work away during the week, something that is very fulfilling and extremely lucrative. I normally speak with my wife before and after work, tonight I did something else. She contacted me I text her what I was doing and I would contact her in 20 minutes. A single word text told me there was an issue - "Great"

 

So I call, phone appears to be turned off. No response. Eventually, I'm told I'm rude because I hadnt rung and inconsiderate because I'm doing something that is more important. I'm totally confused again.

 

I know she is tired as she was up early for a course, but I'm just not getting this and despite asking, I'm given answers that I don't understand and challenge because they don't make sense to me, which creates more contempt....the last thing I want to do is emotionally hurt my wife, but don't understand how I have. A number of terse and cold phone calls later, I'm left feeling again and very sad. I don't know what to do and when I suggested that I find something close to home I was told that was a stupid idea....I don't seem to be able to find the right answer.....I don't know if there is a right answer....my head hurts and wants to explode......if she read this message the comment coming back would - "it's all about you...."

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"it's all about you...."

 

Thats sounds familiar. I don't know how long post diagnosis you are but have you managed to review things and become pretty much the person you were pre-diagnosis? ...the one she fell in love with?

I've heard it said and observed that post diagnosis the Aspergers preoccupation takes over a person too much ... for a time at least.

Apologies if this is not the case, but I wonder if sometimes the partner longs for the pre-diagnosis magical person again without all the insights and clinical understanding of their behaviour.

In a way, you being preoccupied and worried about whats wrong may even wind up your wife more. Working away also has its own effect on relationships.

Sorry if I'm a million miles off base but I hope you may consider the comments even of its just to discount them. I don't know what to suggest apart from try and make her feel special again.

Good luck and try and stay positive

But also, do make sure you do what you need to do to stay in good mental shape so you have the energy and positivity to deal with these situatons

Edited by jack schitt

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I think some people just never really except it. I'm not in a relationship but I have similar experiences with my parents who I still live with. Its been 9 years since the diagnosis and I'm just getting on with things but my parents still make frequent remarks about how whatever I just said or did is nonense because of my Asperger's. Its like they use it to cancel out anything that they disagree with.

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I hesitate to reply to a thread like this because I am really not qualified to give relationship advice (I know that because my other half tells me so)

 

Have you tried talking about the issues? Ask her to explain how she is feeling any why. Ask her how she feels about the diagnosis and if she thinks it has made any difference to your relationship. Talk about any issues that arise - but remember that feelings aren't wrong and there should be no sense of blame on either side.

 

Even without the DX being apart during the week can be hard, and telling your wife it "very fulfilling" could cause issues, particularly if she finds her job less fulfilling.

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