Could this be Aspergers?

[DevilishC9]

When I was a child, my parents and teachers taught me a lot of rules. I would always question them, trying to understand the logic behind them and I gradually came up with my own set of moral principles that I followed religiously.

 

I was very obsessed with stars: I wanted to know everything about them but I didn't have a lot of resources in my little town so my learning suffered from it.

 

I was not always aware of teasing or bullying behavior.

I had a close "friend" who used to bully me constantly and it took me years to realise that. All the other classmates bullied me to and I often had a hard time figuring out if they were being serious, or if they were just joking, or if they were being mean to me. I think I had a lower social I.Q.than my peers, but I don't know if I was a "normal" (forgive me for the use of that word) kid with some difficulties or if I could have a more serious problem.

 

I was a direct person: I thought the meaning of the words was the one that was written in the dictionary and that everyone should speak in a scientific, literal way, like I did. I was a listener more than a talker, but when I talked I found it difficult to adjust the volume of my voice. I sometimes talked over people, and when I did, I immediately apologized because I was curious to hear what they were saying before I interrupted them.

 

I didn't understand why the other kids intimidated eachother: I was just trying to live in harmony; I had no interest in hurting and controlling others. I was very naive.

 

I used to cry a lot in class and everybody made fun of me for it: it was a mixture of fatigue and emotional pain. I learned how to keep my feelings inside in those situations, so when I'd get upset i'd just lay motionless on the table while being unable to respond to people in any way.

 

I did embarassing things because others told me to and then they laughed. I thought they were laughing with me but they were laughing at me.

 

The adults didn't care unless physical violence was involved; I think I might have lost my temper in that way a couple of times, and then I'd beat myself up because hitting people was against my moral principles.

 

Nevertheless there were some children that I liked so I tried to get close to them by finding out more about them and possibly share their interests (i.e. I went to volleyball practice and I was a decent player). We hanged out but we were never really besties.

 

I wasn't shy but it was hard for me to be in crowds (lunch time was an hell of a time); I was mostly bothered by the noise and nothing else.

 

I was bored with pretend play when I was alone; I think I'd play the same scenarios with my dolls for months until I'd get tired of it and changed it. Then my brother was born and he liked to play like that, so I played along and it wasn't that bad. I stopped playing with toys at the age of 10, because I had the excuse that I graduated from elementary school and I became a "grown up"; doing that was kinda freeing.

 

When I was in middle school my social skills developed a little bit. I learned that the best way for me to fight bullies is by using words in a smart way to get back at their nasty comments (I used humor as a defence against them). By the time I was 12, I knew to hit back and they found other kids to pick on.

 

I had some friends; I was still lacking empathy though. One day one of my classmates' pet died and she was crying desperately. I didn't understand why she was crying because I never lost a pet: all that commotion for an animal made no sense to me. I hugged her but I didn't understand her.

 

I was in my head a lot. I saw the world through my lenses and I found it hard to believe that other people may have different ideas. But since I began high school I started to read a lot of books that helped me increase my understanding of people. I still get wrong about things though, because books are just books.

 

Right now I'm in Uni and I struggle to make friends: I'm not good at talking back and forth to people, which is a basic communication skill. I'm also in cure for depression which has being hauting me since I was 14.

 

Thank you for reading and sorry for my english.

 

[gigaday]

Very likely. But the most important thing is whether you can cope now. How do you manage?

[trekster]

Welcome to the asd forum I was diagnosed in my late teens with aspergers although I identify with the classical side of autism.

 

I still struggle to find my way in the world more than 20 years later but that's probably due to my other disabilities causing an impact on my autism.

 

 

Well done for making it to university. Is there an autism social group in you're area? Is there a support group for adults affected by autism in your area? Do you have a mentor and claim disabled students allowance? I've found a few friends in the societies I've joined like trading card games, Spanish speaking, mental health campaign. The students union disabilities officer is normally your first port of call. I've found some of the more mature students are likely to be able to listen to me when I struggle. My university has something called peer assisted learning.

 

Hope we can help you to feel less lonely at university. I've been to three universities in my time. I won the disability studies prize this year for students who have overcome obstacles to learning. This was after changing course three times and reducing to part time.

 

Students on the autism spectrum are common at university. The disabilities department could introduce you to other students who wish to meet others affected by autism.

 

My advice keep asking for help both inside and outside of university. If you wish to talk further feel free to send me a private message.