I've never posted here before but I'm in the middle of a crisis with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and I need help. First of all, I should establish that I'm gay and a neurotypical. I'm 22 and both I and my bf/ex-bf are in college.
My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for the past four months until last Friday, when he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was that he said that he's overwhelmed by the emotion and love in the relationship and he just can't feel it like I can.
I had noticed from the beginning of our relationship that he was different. He was extremely quiet, almost never speaking unless spoken to. He seemed to enjoy spending a lot of time on his own and didn't make much of an effort to come see me. I was always the one to come see him. When he's on his own, he spends the vast majority of his time on the computer, talking about politics online and making congressional district maps of his own state. He rarely smiles or expresses affection and he can be very easily overwhelmed. For example, when watching a particular sitcom, he became visibly uncomfortable and couldn't look at the TV because the show involved a lot of fighting and confrontation. When we'd go out (for example, to the movies), he wouldn't talk at all on the subway ride there and when we'd come out of the movie and I'd ask him if he liked it or not, he'd answer with maybe a couple of words at most and then wouldn't talk for the entire ride back to our dorm. He'd refuse to make decisions about where to go on a Friday night and would usually just shrug his shoulders at most suggestions I'd make. I began to think that maybe he was bored by me but then I discovered in his interactions with others that he was exactly the same. He has a big group of friends on his floor and they all go to dinner at the dining hall every night. He barely talks to them and they barely talk to him. He pretty much just sits there at dinner and eats. I've never seen him get excited about something and he's said that he just doesn't feel emotion like other people. He also throws tantrums a lot and when we're arguing, will scream at the top of his lungs and will often jump into bed and hide under the covers.
Before I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, I had no idea what was going on. Then I read the diagnostic criteria and it all seemed to fall into place. This was him! I finally understood what was wrong and it was a huge relief like I can't even explain. I spoke with him about it and he said that he'd researched it in the past and he thinks he has it. I told him that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to get treatment and that I love him no matter what, Asperger's or no Asperger's.
I myself tend to be a very loving person. I liked to hug and kiss him a lot and I never realized that that probably bothered him. I also told him I loved him quite frequently and he'd always answer back, "I love you too." I never realized that probably bothered him too. I used to ask him to eat dinner with me almost every night (and sometimes with his friends, which bothered him) and now I feel so guilty that I was probably overwhelming him.
I went to see him about two days after the breakup, to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him and how I'm willing to compromise on anything to be in a relationship with him. I also apologized for ever overwhelming him in the relationship and told him how incredibly guilty I feel about it. His response was really awful and he couldn't stand still and had a MAJOR panic attack. In hindsight, I feel so horrible about doing that to him and I didn't realize being that emotional (even though it was good emotion) was going to affect him so deeply. I'm totally in love with him and am miserable without him. Over Winter Break, I even flew down to visit him at his home and to meet his parents. They really liked me and kept remarking that I was really good for him, which makes this all even more painful for me.
What I'm posting for is to get some advice from both people with AS and any NT's that are here on how to salvage this relationship. I absolutely love this guy and it doesn't matter to me one bit that he Asperger's. I want to be there for him and support him and love him through it all, whether he decides to get treatment or not. I want to win him back but I don't know how. I'm miserable without him and I want him to realize how much I love him and want to be with him, without overwhelming him and driving him away from me, period. I'm in desperate need of advice and I will take any help I can get.
