Maria7

Hi Bid, I mean the way we all do when we try and succeed in doing something out of our comfort zone.

Hi Billabong, Thanks so much. Was feeling down again until coming on here. It's great to be able to chat about it and not go insane. That's exactly what I could do with right now. I'll have to disappear over the weekend and have a good read. Unlike my partner, I do have plenty of friends - all doing thier shifts this week to unsure I would eat something! So yes, have been better but don't feel alone. Would appreciate this info, just don't know at the present time if I still have a partner. I suppose that depends on how long I can be 'just friends'. Here's my email - mcullen.2012@googlemail.com I totally agree and with the lack of support, whats the point? In time, if I can approach the subject with him, he may do the SQ and EQ tests and some reading up and that will be enough to help us both. Thanks for you support. Feel like I'm getting virtual hugs off all round.

Hi Tally, Yes it's not the diagnosis I am after, just an ability for him to understand why he has these problems, plus he would have access to you guys if he thinks he's lost the plot. I am impressed how many members you have on here condsidering the social issues on an ASp I have just been told about this so may try this if we get back on track. Hmm, funny that, as my friends always take me shopping as I have always been the really blunt one! Think I'm out of my league with you lot though! Maybe I have a few AS traits myself.. I can hold my own on a good day, so not going anywhere Thanks for all the advice. I will get those books and will try and keep quiet doing the 'friends' thing this weekend and see how we go.

No offence taken. You're right, I don't know for sure. Just wanted to explore it with him to see if it fits. Just don't like seeing him unhappy and struggling with all this stuff. Unsure what to do really, hence coming on here

Hi again, Well, its a good point that just because my life is so full and I see his life as lonely, that's my problem not his. He says he was happy doing what he did/does, suppose no anxiety producing, but since he met me, he wants to join me in most of what I do. I don't force him, he asks to come, yet he struggles when out of his confort zone, so I see this as a negative impact on him if he's trying to evolve. Then again, like Chris said " I am what I am" so maybe he can't change. So like I said above, he did ask for help but like you all said, finding this out could be a shocker! M

Hi Chris, Thanks for your reply. What you say is very interesting. I just thought a diagnosis would help him understand who he is. He knows he is different and when he freaked before, he asked me what he can do to fix it. I told him that is fear is holding him back and the only way to overcome it was to jump in head first (my approach to life) - obviously not great advice for him! You say it helped you be more content with your life and that is what I was aiming for as I know he struggled with bullying etc in the past, so thought by knowing would bring him some insight. I don't know, maybe I want him to know as I know. Obviously I will be more understanding with issues now I feel I have the reasons why, but I would feel like I;m hiding this big secret if I know and he doesn't. What if he found out down the line that I suspected this all along and didn't tell him? thanks, so do I

Hi, Yes he has been very honest and of course this is so much better than bolting once we'd moved, so there's one bonus. He doesn't have a problem telling me anything honestly. In fact I have learned not to ask questions I don't want the real answer to, as there is no edit button, so I get the raw truth! It's not every day you get your bad points sent to you in an email! Yes, can laugh about it now, but was pretty shocked at the time. Other than his bluntness (which is refreshing on occasions), he has lots of good points, hence the wait for him. Thanks.

Hi Bid, Good to know there's some happy stories on here - congrats on the long marriage As for the above, is there ever a right time? I have read what you all said so I won't approach it this weekend or at least until I get him back emotionally. I would never present it negatively, but again I might not think I am, yet it may mean a very different way to how he sees it so that worries me. And yes, he may not have it, but it seems so fitting. Of course I wont know for sure unless he gets tested or recognises it, but then I need to bring it up. Blimey, what a dilemma! Thanks for the advice. Maria

Hi Flora, Over the time, I had noticed a lot of strange behaviours, nothing major so just out it down to personality. It was only after this freak out and a discussion with a friend, did some research, so yes, there are other things: - Communication & social issues: unable to manage social situations other than a one-to-one, difficulty reading social cues (eg boredom) & maintaining flow of conversation, dislikes the phone, very few good friends whom he hardly sees and not interested in making new ones, never had a long-term relationship before me - "as logically others never would have worked", difficulty to express himself in words - more comfortable with email, more comfortable with the pc than socialising - happy to be in alone, Can be so blunt and emotionless, for such a kind, quiet guy. Difficulty with change: Difficulty taking risks unless small as anxiety provoking, has set routine for the week with little variation, holidays in same places as knows them. Others stuff: Highly intelligent - doctorate and good job (programming/engenering of course , photographic memory but forgets to get things from the shop, intrigued by things with grammatical rules and tells me about them no matter how boring!.. and more. Hobbies are computers, puzzles and sailing. So am I on the right track? It seems to fit with what I have read and it would explain a hell of a lot! All the above sounds so negative and I don't mean it that way. I am an out-going extrovert (normally), hence some of this behaviour would be alien to me anyway. Our relationship seems to work though, we don't really argue, I am just starting to feel sorry for him now rather than myself if he has AS, I must be his worse nightmare being so sociable!!

Hi Tally, Thanks for the welcome. There are so many books out there, didn't really know where to start. Actually found Tony Attwood's 'AS a guide for parents and professionals' on my bookshelf but obviously there are differences in adults due to strategies used so will get his other book. As for the other one, if that has stategies for me, that will be great. It might be that he doesn't want ever to share his home. He did want me to move into his house but I am working away so too far to my work. This led to commuting to each other's every weekend, so getting somewhere in the middle together seemed like the obvious choice. The obvious part now is that his home is his security and new house + me was just too much. After finally sleeping last night, feel a bit more sane today and therefore am able to think more clearly - ie being patient about informing him and not doing my usual of trying to 'fix' people, so will hold off, thanks.

On Tuesday morning my partner (35) and I were moving in together and all was great. Tuesday evening he called me saying he is freaked out about the whole thing and now questioning the whole relationship. He says he can't do anything but friends at the moment and just wants some space. The bottom has just dropped out of my world and I not coping so well. I work in social care, fixing problems as part of my job. I have a degree in psychology, worked in mental health and have done many counselling courses yet all I have learnt is completely useless as I am unable to get through to him. I feel I have screwed up - if only I had realised what he has. I was devasted and went to see him but he was so cold. His hugs of comfort were not comforting as he was behind a huge barrier. I was in turmoil - what did I do wrong? After talking with a friend who had a dyspraxic husband, she asked me many questions about his behaviour and said he might have this or Aspergers. After intensive research online (as been unable to sleep since), I realise he has mild AS. It all fits, as if a light bulb has gone on in me. If i only I had known, I would not have agreed to the move as he already had a freak out 2 weeks ago but he still wanted to do it. I need help from fellow AS adults or wives of to know what to say to him. Nothing I say is making it better. I told him he can take as much time as he needs as I don't want to lose him but this is killing me. When I said I would do anything for him, he said that freaks him out also. How can I translate that I love him and would do what ever is takes without making him retreat further into himself? Is it too late? Have I scared him off? We are supposed to be going away for our birthdays next week - all booked. He mailed yesterday me to say he wants to just go as friends as long as we don't talk about moving in or how we feel. How am I supposed to deal with that? Of course I have said yes to going and will try hard not to show my upset. But I want let him to know AS is what he probably has, as I want him to realsie all his charactistics are 'normal' with this and there are many of you out there that could give him some relief and understanding. Also for my own emotional being, I want him to know that I will work with him to deal with things. How do I approach the subject? He knows he is different but would he realise this? I thought maybe I could give him the book - 'AS a love story' to read whilst we are away and see if it would ring any bells. I am scared that if I say something and he freaks, I may lose lose him forever. Any advice will be appreciated?? I'm sorry for the essay but having found your site and read replies to some newcomers, you all seem so helpful and friendly so by off-loading to you seems like I am sharing this huge feeling of loss I am going through.