I'm still not convinced and I would like to try to get a diagnosis, to find out one way or the other, but as I said my girlfriend is convinced I have it, she also says that my mum is convinced I have it. My mum has mentioned to me before that she thought it was a possibility but I didn't realise she was convinced so if that's true that's quite suprising for me as well. The syptoms that I have as far as I am aware are that I have never been very interested in friends and human company, I will get lonely after a whilebut generally it takes me longer than with others. Related to this I am very quiet most of the time and very bad at making small talk, if I find a common interest with someone I can talk about that, but often I find that I am repeating the same topics of conversation, i.e. if I know someone is interested in fishing I will mention that every time I talk to them as I cannot think of anything else to say. I always feel like there's some kind of emotional barrier stopping me from becoming close to people, other people seem to feel a closeness between friends and even family which most of the time I do not feel. I love my family and girlfriend but I just feel like we can never be 'close' in the same way other people are. Also I can find it very hard to tell what other people are thinking or feeling unless I am concentrating hard and even then I am not good at it. As a result I often say the wrong thing and get social clues wrong, although I feel I have got a lot better as I've become older I feel as though part of this is from knowing my limits and from staying away from social situations which I find difficult. Particularly I find it hard to socialise in groups of people, I find I always tend to get left out, whereas one to one I find it a lot easier although still relatively difficult.
I also appear to be fairly obsessed with certain subjects, for example at the minute it is politics, although in the past it has been other things such as religions, computers or exercise and healthy eating. I tend to become fairly fanatical about one thing for a few years and then generally move on, although the interest/obsession with politics has lasted longer than most. Also I do not generally show much emotion, I have a very unresponsive face and I have to act in order to feel like I fit in with other people, for example smiling when I know they are trying to be funny etc. I do have a sense of humour which is generally fairly dark but I seem to have been losing it over the years and becoming more humourless. The only time I'm ever truly relaxed is when I'm either with people I'm very close to or on my own and I generally prefer being alone.
Also there are various other things that may be relavent, for example sometimes, usually in the winter, when there are cold winds my eyes water and I tend to rub them a lot so in the past they have become quite sore and even bled. I used to believe that this was all down to the wind or that I was somehow sad so I was crying but now I think that it may be completely psychological as it happens when I am inside as well and not only in winter. I feel it may be an example of mild 'stimming' although now I only do it after I yawn, when my eyes always water. I also find that I do get obssessed with other strange rituals, i.e. recently I have become slightly obsessed with pulling my socks up all the way, and if they are not pulled up I sometimes feel slightly anxious or uncomfortable, I realise this is completely illogical but I find it hard to stop it sometimes. I have also had various behaviour like this in the past, for example when I was younger I would often rub my ear lobes with my finger or grind my teeth together lightly as it felt somehow 'good' or comforting. I did it slyly enough that no-one would really notice but I feel this may also be stimming.
There are some other symptoms as well for example I have been described as having quite 'intense' eye contact, and I realise that I do tend to stare at people when I am talking to them instead of the usual, relaxed way that others tend to look at each other, and in general I can probably be described as quite uptight and formal in social interactions, not really joking around or smiling much. Also throughout my life people have always thought there is something quite 'strange' about me although I have always been considered fairly intelligent, people have called me retarded on a number of occasions, not just as an insult, but in disbelief at some things I have done. These are the main points I can think of for now but just wondering what other people's opinions are on these.
