anne054
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Posts posted by anne054
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I have discovered an author, Tony Attwood. he works and teaches in Austrailia. He has several books and they are all written for people like you and me, not professionals. It is easy and very informative reading. He is the closest thing I have found to an expert on AS and I highly recommend his books. They are paperback and not expensive. He has a website that is worth investigating.
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This site is so useful, especially the contributions from those who have AS. I wonder if someone can shed any light on this behaviour:The Lad announced to his mentor on Friday that he hadn't done what was asked of him because he now felt web design wasn't his "bag". He never told me or his dad (bearing in mind he knows I have paid the mentor a lot of money for his help). I didn't get the email from the mentor until this morning. However on Saturday he did say to me he felt the mentor was trying to fit him into a specific design and layout which he thought was totally uninspiring etc etc. So I agreed to give the Lad time myself (as if I was the customer) to move this forward. The Lad admits you need to sit on him to get him to do something but as we are both out at work it takes it out of us to have to spend so much time in the evening explaining over and over again. I have said "well do what you think is the better design" but again we get a sudden burst of enthusiasm then it drops off.
Now I accept that he probably has an emotional age of 14 (based on a lot of good feedback from contributors to this site) so I am essentially dealing with a teenager. Every time I go in to see him (and I always ask before entering his room) he is on that Warcraft online game. I get on with him very well, he is starting to help a little round the house but I have noticed a marked increase in his emotional behaviour (hugging his dad a lot, sitting with him and holding his finger) which I would associate with a child below the age of 10 rather than a teenager.
His dad in a previous post said how an AS counsellor didn't help either of them, even saying the Lad would never be able to work - he can if well supervised. I am back to our concern for the future as to what he does if we are not here - none of the relatives would help as they perceive him as lazy, not AS. Due to his age we cannot get any further help from the authorities so it's down to us. Any suggestions or explanations would be very welcome.
My son is into the world of WWE as I wont pay for online gaming or he would be up all night. I have found that you have to find his passion and then try and form something around it that may be used in the real world that will pay you a salary. If it is not his passion he has the "ability" to learn but not the insatiable need to devour everything there is to know. Right now he is learning how to use big printing machines and doing what is called Graphic Communications.It is a trade and he is being taught that this is a career but not a hobby. I have always been a fan of Lego and so he got a lot of it for birthdays and Christmas. He has patience I good never imagine. He can put together very complex projects with the instructions and even almost finish, he will take it apart and redo it if he has made a mistake. I am trying to use this in trying to find something for him to do in the future. If they needed someone to do stats on WWE he would be a wealthy man. I was once told a story about an AS that had the same desire for stats in baseball. His parents thought it would be wonderful if they let him join a team to play. He did horribly as he did not want to play baseball, he wanted to keep the stats. These have been my experiences so maybe they may give you some insight into what may be going on with your son's on and off with the web design. Let me know it this helps
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when i first got my diagnosis (at 23) i found it knocked my confidence in my ability to do anything. i was sudddenly unable to do basic household chores i had been able to do before, and fortunately my parents were understanding and helped me regain that confidence quite quickly. perhaps something similar has happened to him, but he hasn't recovered from it yet.i think your idea of gradually building up his chores and responsibilities is a good one. AS people fall behind their NT peers in their late teens, in terms of their maturity and ability to function independently, and it might be that he is struggling to follow what he sees his peers doing in terms of responsibility and independence in the home as well as at work/school. this may well be making the situation worse because it compounds the feeling of inadequecy
also remember your expectations of what he should be doing at 24 will most likely not be met. my parents say that i am a 13 year old mixed in with bits of a 23 year old. while i am intelligent, and can do some things very well, other things i simply cannot do (yet) and they have to be responsible for them. i have to be told when to get up, go to bed and eat. i find the idea of getting a job very daunting, not because i dont want to make the effort but because i am afraid i wont be able to cope, and it will be too much for me to handle. talking about adult responsibilities and how even NT people find it all completely overwhelming might help to bring him back into the real world a bit, and make him feel more linked with other people his own age, so he can accept more responsibility
its amazing how much your mind can get in the way of things, even if you want to do them, and if he has been told he's stupid, he's going to believe that and it will block his mind from even attempting to do things.
I loved to read your comments. It is very helpful to hear what you are going through as an adult with AS. It helps me to perhaps understand what my son is going through and how I can be a better Mom. Thanks
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I am the Father of the young man mentioned above, I have not been ignoring this thread but waiting and reading. He and I have been through many highs and lows, unfortunately, at the moment more lows than highs - the situation is improving though.You name it I have about tried it all carrot, stick, cajoling, encouraging, pleading. I have even had counselling sessions with a renowned Aspergers specalist which left him angry and me feeling like a rotton parent!
His major issue appears to be lack of abstract thought - I once asked him to consider what would happen if I was knocked down by a bus! The answer was that it was highly unlikely as I very rarely travelled by bus and the stats of people being killed by busses was very low! His attitude is "I will meet that problem when it happens".
As far as motivation goes I have trouble deciding what is can't and what is won't.
I will continue at a later date.
I read your words and hear myself. I too have tried everything and am unsure of can't and won't. I really try to give him the benifit of the doubt but truthfully it is very hard. His lack of facial expression is frustrating as I can't tell when he is not telling the truth. I no longer ask him if he took something, I just demand to have it back. I launch into a lecture of right and wrong knowing full well that he is not taking in what I am trying to say. He has learned the expected responses so I am never sure but remain hopefull until the next time. and the cycle starts over.
One thing I did notice though, there have been times that he has taken a leap of growing up and maturing a little and it seems to happen overnight. When left on his own he seems to get along just fine and that is when he surprises me. It is almost like I do too much and when I am not there he has to figure it out on his own. Once he gets it, it is amazing but it sure is a long road.
I love to hear all your comments. I really feel like I am not alone now. Here in the US, AS is relatively unknown among all but the experts and they are not sharing much. I am Canadian so I do rely on Canadian and British literature, some of which is really helpful. Thanks to all
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How about having house rules such as if he takes someone else's stuff then he has to do a job/chore for that family member for a week or so or pay it back by selling something of his own? A bit like a in house community service program?We have tried an idea like this but I like yours better. There is only myself and his 19 yr old sister who normally takes his stuff when he takes hers. When she does he just grumbles for awhile and then moves on and adapts. I like the idea of him having to choose and give up something of his. This may produce a better understanding of how others feel when he takes their things. Thanks, I will give it a try.
Money that he takes is more difficult as it is harder to replace when he has no job. I am hoping he will get employment in the near future through a local government program so we will try the same sort of thing with him giving up his earned money. I think all this boils down to empathy which as we know is lacking in this syndrome. It has to be learned and relearned so I am hoping something will work.
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I am thinking that maybe going to the Police dept first and asking them to help me and explaining the situation may be my best first step. At least I can control what happens. Maybe I can find someone who I can work with on a one to one basis.
thanks for your suggestions and I am still open to any ideas that you might have. I am certainly feeling less lonely and not quite so overwhelmed.
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Welcome to the forum
Would your son be able to manage some kind of job, even if it was part-time? My son is coming up for 20 and works at a tiny local supermarket on our residential estate.
That way he would be earning his own money, gaining very good life skills and experience, and hopefully more confidence and social 'sense'.
Good luck!
Bid
My son did have job at a fast food place but lost it for not showing up to work one shift. He loved it and loved earning his spending money. Jobs here are easy to get and even easier to loose. At the moment he is in a special training program to learn graphinc communications and I hope it will lead to employment with some help. He is a good worker and very friendly and most like him if they can get past the poor hygene and quirky conversations. My worry is his ability to resist temptations that will be around him. I am trying to teach him that he cannot have anything he wants and taking it is not right. The consequences are not worth it but so far I have not been able to convince him that the world is not a forgiving place. Also I am a single mother and his biological father has had no contact since he was 6 so there has been no male role model for him. I have tried to find someone just to work with him but have been unsuccessful. My family is really small so all I have is friends and they have not worked out so well as it can be alot to ask of someone.
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Hi.I thought I would post a quick message.Most of the posters on the Forum live in the UK.I think the idea Tally suggested about reporting to the police was probably based on the experience of Forum users in the UK.I think the people on the Forum who have involved the police live in the UK.Talking to the police in the US might be a good idea.However if the police in the US are not aware regarding AS then it might not be a good idea.Where people here have reported their children here it is usually with the idea that a firm chatt and a tour of the police cells might be a wake up call.If there is a risk your son could end up charged with a felony [???? get a criminal record ] then that may not be a good option.Karen.thank you for your insight. You are very right. They are not nearly as aware of AS here as they are in the UK and at home in Canada. I guess that is the reason I am so scared. They would rather charge him with a crime than understand. I had to cancel a cheque he tried to use over the internet and the first thing the bank wanted to do was charge him with identity theft. I had to be very firm that it was not going to happen. I think that is when the fear first set in and now he is turning 21 and will be given all legal rights of a consenting adult and the legal consequences too.
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the MT team havnt helped me at all since being officially diangosed! trying going to GP and requesting CBT see where you go from there! i have probs with hygiene,daily care skills, and sometimes try and suclude!My experience is that because my son was diagnosed at 14 and not earlier, the daily hygene that we would normally pick up with experience just did not happen. One of the clues I had but did not recognize was that he did not know how to spit or blow his nose. We learn that by watching others and he had the motions correct but the technique was just not there. He is doing pretty good now but it sure took awhile. I assumed he was learning from day to day contact and experiences with others like we learned but he was not. I think had I known earlier I could have gotten him on a routine schedule but now I am trying to teach him that even though his body condition does not bother him, it deos bother others. I am trying to make it a rule to change his shirt every day ( he does ) and clean slacks everyday ( he does not ). I also learned that it took him a long time to be comfortable with turning on the shower. I used to do it for him when he was little instead of teaching him so now it is not an easy thing for him today. I bought him a plastic scrubber that makes the soap foamy and he can scrub his neck with thinking it would help and two weeks ago I found out that he had no idea how to make it work for him so I had to explain.
We learn so much by watching others and for my son he did not learn so avoided things rather than admit he did not know how. Washing his hair was a battle for a long time as he did not know how the shampoo worked,I have to now learn what he doesn't know and try to figure out a subtle way to teach him without making him feel stupid.
I am hoping some of these experiences will help you try to work with your son and his daily hygene but it is an ongoing struggle for me.
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Do you have any idea what he does with the items and money he steals? Is it possible he is being manipulated into it by someone else? Is it possible he is doing it to fund a drug habit? Have you told him that what he is doing is illegal and could lead to him going to prison?Sometimes the police can be helpful with things like this. I know people who have had the police speak to their children and explain the consequences of stealing, show them around the police station, the cells, etc. At some point you might need to consider reporting him to the police for the stealing.
I know he buys ciggarettes and then it is music cd's and then video games. He is easily manipulated by others and he buys them ciggarettes and I think they pay him. He does not get enough to support any drug habit and I really think he has no interest in altering his state of mind. He turns 21 in March so I'm sure he will be used to buy alcohol for others. I know he has done some drinking and a little experimentation with drugs but as far as I can tell nothing very much. Talking with the Police here is a good idea, I think I will try that. We are Canadians living in the US with Green Cards ( a long story with not a happy ending ) since 2000. I would hate to report him as he would be charged with a felony and that could complicate things at the border that is 30 miles away. An eye opener is needed and perhaps the police can help if I explain the situation. I will try that and see what they say.
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Hello, I have just found this site and it is very helpful.I have the following situation; if it has been addressed in a previous post please can someone let me know where. If not, here goes.
I have a 24 year old stepson with mild aspergers. In the company of others you would just think he is a quiet 17 year old (he doesn't look his age). He was not diagnosed until he was 17 and since then has been through 3 colleges, having been asked to leave each one in turn, primarily as he doesn't respond to mainstream education. He is highly intelligent, has an interest in computing (web design and programming) and other interests but they are not as dominant as his interest in the PC.
Since he was asked to leave the last college, he has been at home. All he does is play an online war game, appear occasionally for food and then hide away in his room. He refuses to wash, has dreadful body odour but takes the view it is his problem not anyone else's. He flouts "house rules" when he can but isn't savvy enough to cover his tracks. I have learned that this flouting isn't malicious in any way, it tends to be that he doesn't see the logic in what his dad or myself see as the norm. Sometimes I think it's like having a stroppy teenager but without any aggression or malice.
I get on well with him, he is pleasant, courteous and does whatever I ask (except his hygiene). He is essentially no trouble as he is not interested in drink or substance abuse. He can be trusted to look after the house if we go away. He can show forms of affection. He is also naive in terms of how the real world works and is not interested in money - until he needs to buy fast food. His diet is poor as a result.
My problem is this; he has no idea what he wants to do in terms of a career or what he would do if anything happened to his dad and me. I spend time finding out what he likes and I have (with his agreement) organised some training on web design where he works on a project with clear guidelines and reports to his mentor on a weekly basis. Similarly he mentioned that he needs to get out into a house with people of his age so again I make enquiries (with his permission) to see if we can find something suitable. Furthermore I can get him onto another training course where the tutor is aware of his condition and would be happy to coach him after the course in the evenings.
Within a week he loses interest in carrying on any of the projects or initiatives. Despite the fact that I am paying for this training (as he has exhausted the resources of the local authorities over the years) he would rather play that internet game. I have put gentle pressure on him to continue then he gets a "second wind" and produces some very good work. He was referred to Remploy but has failed to follow any of their advice so they have given up on him.
His Dad finds it difficult to be patient with his son as he is not sure if the lethargy is aspergers or manipulative. I take the view he lacks peer group friendship. Last night he announced he was not going to apply for jobseekers allowance as he didn't need to work. When asked what he thought he was living on (in terms of finance) he replied that he costs very little to keep.
We are both concerned as to how he would survive if the worst happened to us. He needs to "get out more" with a peer group but how do we get him to actually do it ? When he was at college (living with students with a housekeeper) he did make friends so we know he is capable. It's the motivation which seems to have disappeared.
Any suggestions / advice would be very welcome.
I have just read your post and boy can I relate. My son is 20 and has the same problems with hygene, finances, videogames, and seclusion. I have no answers but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. He was diagnosed at 14.
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MY son is 20 yrs old and has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome since he was 14. My problem is he has no regard for other people's "stuff". If he wants something he will take it, as well as any money that is unguarded. As far as I know this is limited to his sister and myself but truthfully I doubt it. Any consequences I have tried have not been successful and when I ask why he just shrugs and says "I don't know". He knows what he is doing is wrong because he is very sneaky when he is taking something but is not very good, or sometimes doesn't cover his tracks. I am afraid he is going to end up in jail for stealing if I cannot teach him to think about right and wrong and choosing right.
24 year old with no motivation
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I think this really is an example of his inabilitly of abstract thought, or lack of imagination. I am only guessing because I don't know your experiences but I can share some of mine. My son enjoys the computer and can make it do magic because it is logical and mathmatical. He always did well in mathematics but not in classes like literature or history. Perhaps ypur son is very knowledgable about the computer and the web but when it comes to designing something he has nowhere to draw from. Some AS have wonderful imaginations and some do not. Each one is very different. My son and your son sound very similar so I think I can understand your frustration. Also the AS emotional maturity is slow but that is just the emotional. Somethings will get much better and some things will never change. I have come to the realization that my son has no imagination, never has and probably never will.
When I look back at his growing up and my favourite Lego sets, I see that he could put together very complex structures as long as he had the instructions and would spend hours taking them apart and putting them back together. When the instructions were gone or a page was missing then the Lego just stayed where it was, all over the place and I had to pick it up and get rid of it. He did not know how to make it do anything except what was in the instructions. He is taking classes in learning how to use large high capacity printing machines. He has to do very specific measuring and copying graphic designs onto the printer and he is very good at copying and will stick at it until he gets it right. This calls for his mathmatical and concrete skills and to the best of my knowledge he is doing well in classes and is enjoying them. He has only just started and is living on campus but he is enthusiastic about what he is doing and brings home some of his projects.
I think we try so hard to have them learn a marketable trade so that we will know they will be alright when we are no longer there to look after them that it is frustrating when things do not work. All I know is we keep trying because we love them.