dharma

Hi everyone I felt that I had to come back and update this thread. A lot has happened since my last post in this thread but I will be brief: My wife and I are still together She was suffering from serious depression, and after many false starts, accepted her condition, found meds that work, and has stuck with it. Coupled with a greater awareness from me, things are soooo much better. I got a formal dx in the end, via my daughters intensive intervention team. Workwise, I did find a sideways move to a unit I had previously worked at and where I have been for nearly three years. It came at exactly the right time and has been a very forgiving job with a compassionate manager. Its been very healing for me. I just want to thank everyone who posted on this thread, your comments helped me so much. I am now firmly on the other side of that awful period. Thank you x

well, on the work front, things feel better, though they still have their moments. i am still waiting to hear if i have got an interview for the sideways job. i had the occ health appt. i did not raise asd issues. the assessor appeared to be 'on my side', and will be recommending redeployment. my managers are being more patient, and not quite so horrible. we want the same thing, they want me gone, and i want me gone. however, this has paled into insignificance compared with what has happened in my personal life. my wife announced after days of not speaking to me that she wants to leave with the kids and end our 10 year marriage! when i try to find out the reasons, all she says is that if i haven't 'got it' by now, i never will and there is no point. i still don't know what 'it' is. i thought things were fine. she says she hasn't been happy for years!!! she said that all i have ever given her is a disabled child, and that she is starting to hate me. she says i must take pleasure in mentally torturing her, and that i only care about myself?!. i really, really genuinely do not know what she is talking about. it is a complete surprise to me. i do my fair share of housework and looking after the children. i am so confused, and frightened to say too much as it starts her off again, and she does not allow me to speak. with work problems, and now this, i am starting to wonder if maybe i AM the problem? i don't know how to react to or process this situation, and i know that she is perceiving this as uncaring, when that couldn't be further from the truth. she knows enough to be able to blame my genes for producing an autistic child, but she cannot make allowances for my nonplussed reaction to this situation. the sad thing is that i don't feel emotional in the sense of being angry or scared, i just feel surprised and confused at the moment. she is going to go away for a few days, and has told me that while she is gone, if i want to save our marriage (which she described as 'hanging by a thread'), i have to think about how i have made her life hell. i have begged her to give me some 'pointers' as to what she is referring to, but she refuses. i REALLY didn't need this...sigh do you think it is a good idea to tell work about this situation? it will be hard keeping my mind on my work now, i can tell you.

many thanks all. i have now identified a sideways post to go for. it is more rules based and in a much larger team that is not purely office based. it could work out well for me and i really hope i get it. its a further distance to travel, but i don't care if it gets me away from them. the only downside is i have to go for it in open competition, including the dreaded interview i have now told them that this current job is not for me (citing various reasons, but not including the asd or bullying, because i am a coward), and that i wish to move. i have been given permission to apply. they have suddenly become much friendlier towards me, which i think means that they are glad that i am now trying to move on, i.e. they do not want me there. well, i am glad too! they are also encouraging me to go for lower posts, which i am not really keen on for financial reasons. i am also doing my best to stay focused at work. i really do not want to hand them any 'ammunition' to use against me. thanks so much for the words of advice, it means a lot. i do not have anyone that i can talk to about such matters. my wife has her own set of problems to deal with, and the last thing i want to do is add to her worrys. the pointers to the various information sources are much appreciated too.

hi, believe me i have tried on several occasions with my GP but they are just not interested in referring me on, saying that it is not a priority for funding, and advising me to go private. i have contacted the NAS to ask for a localised list. as for the bullying, after speaking to you good people, i am going to commence a diary. i am also thinking of ways that i can protect myself more. i am feeling a lot better now than when i first posted. lets hope things remain that way..!

thanks for the comments, they really help. the reason i can't move on is because the only way is up. there is a job at the next grade up elsewhere that i feel i could get as i have experience and familiarity with the specialism. however, it involves management of a team, and participating in high level meetings that affect the entire organisation. i was considering it as an escape route, but after giving it some thought last night, i now feel that i may simply be substituting a bad situation for an even more stressful one. i cannot consider a downward move for financial reasons, though nothing would make me happier than to move to a job with less responsibility, pathetic as that sounds. there are no sideways moves available. my transferable skills would only let me compete for a much lower salary in the private sector. i am in a union, but don't really know what to say to them. the problem is that the anxiety that i have been experiencing, and my confusion since starting there about the exact requirements has led to my making errors, some serious, that have all contributed to getting me into actual trouble, something that i am not used to. i fear that if i say anything, i will come across as an incompetent who is just making excuses. my managers are very clever, and can 'tie me up in knots' if they want to. i fear i would come off worst in a confrontation. i have not kept diaries, i have just been 'taking it to heart'. my previous roles have been very 'rules-based' and task orientated, with clearly defined processes. once you have learned the processes, you can do the job just as well as NT colleagues, if not better. without bragging, in those roles i received very good staff appraisals. my favourite role was data entry and database management. my current role in comparison is quite abstract, and requires a keen awareness of the 'big picture'...oh dear. it also involves attendance at regular team meetings. on bad days i can be found hiding in the toilet cubicle, just to get away. while on sickness absence, i was put on particular anti-depressants that produced some rather dark times also. i want to tell occ health about my self-diagnosis, but i don't feel able to competently express myself well enough for them to take me seriously. i find it extremely difficult to talk about myself, i can't emphasise that enough. ideally, i think that i would like to remain undercover. if i can figure out how to reduce my stress, anxiety, and disorganisation, i might be able to make it work. it's like i am being forced to learn how to interact. i am going to try my best to get something positive out of this. i am under review and am going to have my work retricted and be micro-managed. i do feel demoralised, but i am going to do my best to improve my work, and my understanding of the work. i have been told to ask more questions, so by heck that is what i am going to do. i want to try and find a way to fit in more but it is so difficult. i would ideally like to mimic NT behaviour so that i can 'keep my enemies close', as the saying goes. i don't know. what i can say is that it feels good to talk about it.

Hi, I am new here. I apologise for introducing myself with a problem. I am a late 30's male and father to a daughter who is non-verbal with severe Kanner type autism and learning disabilities. It was only through following the diagnostic process for her that I realised that most of the stuff that I was reading applied to me and answered sooooo many questions about myself. I present as AS/HFA and dyspraxic, although I have not got far with the NHS (I have spotted through reading on here that the NAS have an email helpline, and have just asked them for a list of 'recommended' clinics/practitioners in my area). My problem relates to my employment. I am a civil servant, and have been employed for approx 20 years, mainly in low ranking, routine and repetitive positions. I have never disclosed my suspicions to my employers (especially as I have only realised over the last 4-5 years or so). I achieved my first and only promotion much later than average. Over the years I have moved into different, more complex and demanding roles, and each time, I have reached a point where it would become too much, and the only escape was to apply for a transfer before I was shown up as being incompetent, move on to a new section, learn the new job, cope until limit reached, repeat. This method worked reasonably well until recently. I accepted a post in a new section. The reason I went for the post was because I was not required to work weekends, allowing me more time to help my wife at home with our highly demanding daughter. I was happy to get the position, however I now realise that I made a terrible, terrible mistake in going there. I have joined probably the most highly pressurised place there is, not helped at all by the almost aggressive management style. It is a very small team, none of whom have families. They all go out for drinks, which is fine, but they are so secretive and email each other to make the arrangements, even though I am sitting right there. I do not even want to go with them, and I am sure they know that if they asked me I would say 'No thanks'. My line manager, part of the 'clique', has been knocking my confidence from day one, and seems to enjoy mentally torturing me. Every minute, little thing is picked on. I have been told to do something, which I follow explicitly, only to be told later that I have not done what I was asked. She has even told me to do something, then later denied saying it I just don't know how to defend myself against it. Anyway, I recently was signed off work for four weeks with depression and placed on medication. I was getting phoned by my boss, wanting to visit me at my home. Also, phone calls telling me what mistakes I had made at work that they were uncovering. I went back, and it has definitely been implied that if I go sick again (which I was not intending to do anyway), it will go badly for me. I been placed on a warning meaning as I am not meeting my objectives that I have to show vast improvements or things will get serious. Moving on is not an option this time, I have to deal with it somehow, but I have never been in this position before and am frankly quite scared. I am awaiting an appointment with occupational health for a seperate issue, but do you think I should say something to them re my suspicions? I really don't know what to do. I am going to have to try very hard to be perfect over the next quarter, as well as trying to negotiate the NT minefield that is my office. I hate it so much, and just wish I could find something else. I am considering pay cuts and have been looking for private sector vacancies, something I would normally rule out. Sigh. Any comments welcome. Thank you.