Hi.
My name is Jay but i prefer to be called by my screenname. I was 'diagnosed' with AS about a year and a half ago though i have known ive had it since i was about 13 (im 23 now). My mum has some mental health training and recognized the signs of a possible autistic syndrome even earlier than that but when the possibility was mentioned to me, (and i was given a choice) i didnt want to find out. I had a hard enough time at school anyway i didnt want another label to match the many others i already had; fat, poor etc etc
Your probably wondering why i wrote diagnosis in quotation marks. I dont feel i have a proper diagnosis at all. The specialist i saw simply wrote down 'Mr xxxx does have AS, this will not disable him from gaining employment' Thats it. The evil cow obviously thought i only wanted a diagnosis so i could sit on my backside and claim benefits!
I went through a period of mentoring a couple of years ago but i never really felt it helped me out. It just felt like more i HAD to do, and obligations. I regret that decision immenseley as i know how much it could have helped. I also suffer from undiagnosed depression which can range in severity. The worst period of which resulted in an OD attempt. Sometimes its not there at all and i feel fantastic and this can last for months but it always comes back in the end. I have triggers related to the AS i suppose, in that failings on the social front can leave me tearing myself to shreds. during my down periods i completely isolate myself from the world arround me. This makes gaining employment so hard for me because i cant explain to an employer what happens to me or when its going to happen.
Im also about to be a father. This i think is what brought me too the forums, im not ready for it. I dont know how to be a fully functioning being myself half the time, how can i possibly be of any use to a child? I also fear that he (we know hes a boy) will have a bad life because of me. I think of how my AS affected my childhood and i think if my boy develops AS too (or something similar) and has to endure a even a tenth of what i did then thats really unfair. I dont want anybody to feel like i do but with me as a father i feel its inevitable. What if he doesnt have AS? How will i relate to him if he turns out to be a NT?
Well, this turned out longer than i expected..
I have lurked a bit and you all seem very friendly, i look forward to communicating with you.
Sensay
