I struggled with severe depression from the age of 12. I'm now 23 and have had 4 lots of counseling, which haven't worked. I recently had an extremely suicidal spell and went to the mental health team in my area. They asked if I had any family history of mental illness and said I didn't know. So I did some research. My great grandfather, grandmother and 3 of my cousins had Aspergers syndrome, and my aunt (who works with people with disabilities/learning difficulties such as Aspergers) said she was convinced my father and brother have it, in fact she said most of my family display Asperger symptoms, though she has never told them. I had heard about Aspergers years ago and suspected my brother had it. But then she also said she recognised some Aspergers symptoms in me, particularly that I take everything literally, am socially awkward, anger at little things and panic at new situations or unforeseen events.
I didn't really agree, but became obsessed with finding out what was wrong with me and began researching excessively (this is what I do quite often) all day and all night teaching myself about the various mental disorders. It was all I'd speak about for weeks. Everything that happened, I could link back to psychology. My friends got a bit annoyed. The more research I did, the more the same thing kept coming back to me – Aspergers. I have other existing health conditions that also connect to Asperger's and the amygdala (part of the brain).
Interestingly, my husband also has a lot of Asperger's in his family, and he said I should mention it to my G.P. because the symptoms sounded a lot like me. So I did. My G.P. said he would be very surprised if I had it, as I communicate well (???) I really don't think I do – I rarely listen to people and just nod along, laughing when they laugh etc. I tend to mimic other people, but honestly, I don't know what they are babbling on about most of the time. I often don't understand jokes or why something is funny. Sometimes it's like others are speaking an other language and I can't actually make out what they are saying. Mimicking other people has got me by ok so far, though people have been angry with me in the past because I've laughed or smiled when I obviously wasn't meant to. But I think I'm getting better at this.
Anyway, I told the mental health team my suspicions also, and they agreed and have referred me to a psychiatrist for assessment. I'm nervous I'll be treated like a hypochondriac. My G.P. has said AGAIN he doesn't think I's Aspergers, so I'm confused now. I know there is something not right with me, I hate people, I hate going out and I struggle to learn things as quickly as other people. I often misunderstand instructions. I recently tried going to college and it was a nightmare - so much noise and so many people trying to speak to me, and I didn't understand what the teachers were saying. It was horrible and made me realise something needs to be done. I have an I.Q. Of around 130 yet I can't perform in a classroom or in any group situation. I've felt like an alien my whole life and this depression is consuming me. I'm bored all the time and every day life is so mundane, I hate that I'm forced to conform to society, it's all such a farce. I just want some answers...
So I ask you, do you think I might have Aspergers, or am I just a severe misfit?
