I guess that on this board you get no end of people claiming that they might have Aspergers or ASD, some people probably want it to be true because it gives credence to the fact that they don't feel like they fit in... Kind of makes me think of this: http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/comics/00000278.png - "You're not sick, you're just a person" by John Campbell.
But, increasingly, I am finding that the evidence is mounting, evidence to suggest that I may have Asperger's. It has certainly been mooted by girlfriends in the past and when I was a toddler the idea that I might be autistic was raised due to my aberrant behaviour, although this was later put down to ADHD and was treated with a change in diet.
Certainly, in recent years I have become increasingly aware that I simply do not see the world in the way that most other people do... I have tried to see things from their perspective but it just doesn't make any sense. And lately I have started to realise that everything I do is based on patterns - I function according to schemata that I have developed (consciously and unconsciously) for many years, allowing me to simulate empathy so convincingly that people are sometimes amazed that I have apparently read their minds. Really it is just like reading a code.
It is difficult to explain (or perhaps I just can't be bothered because maybe this is normal and I am just a psychology graduate over-analysing things) but this emotional simulacrum is hard work to maintain and some days I just get tired of it. Outwardly I am an engaging person who seems to be an advanced communicator and can interact with others easily but inwardly I have little interest in these people and it is almost always an effort; someone with Asperger's once refered to them as 'meat puppets' and I know what he means. An ex of mine (following a particularly ill-advised and inappropriate comment on my part) once told me that I treat people like objects. I can't say that it isn't how it feels a lot of the time. Other exes have outright stated that my strange behaviour and lack of social boundaries have all simply been attention-seeking devices, feeding fuel to the fire of an ADHD diagnosis, which I accepted. But lately I have undergone a shift in that regard.
So, where did this start? What made me want to peel back some layers? What brought me to this discussion board?
My walk.
My whole life I have had a very bouncy walk which has drawn attention and, frankly, been an annoyance. Recently, it was once again commented on at work, so I Googled it to see how I might go about correcting the problem. Turns out it's the Aspy bounce. But the walk alone doth not make the man. As I delved deeper and finally allowed myself to consider the possibility that I might have mild AS (something I had previously dismissed), I found myself understanding a lot about events in my life and also about my family... I won't go into detail now but there are a great number of aspects of my personality and experiences which fall neatly into the AS categorisation, I am just not going to try and justify my suspicions at this time.
But the more that I think about it, the more I am convinced that, not only I but also my brother, mother and (maternal) grandfather may all have AS. In that light, so much about my family makes sense. Again, I can go into detail another time.
So, I guess my reason for rambling on is to ask - in very loose terms - the following: am I just a regular person clutching at straws, trying to feel special?
