I'm 17 yrs old, and I've always felt "odd". My mum has said many, many times that I've probably got Asperger's, so I did abit of research. I can relate to some of the symptoms, but others I can't relate to at all. I was always really weird as a kid. When I was about 10, for months and months I'd do the same thing every day - I'd draw about 6 faces of random people that I made up and I'd create names for each of them. Then I'd go around each family member and ask them to tick their favourite. I did this many times each day. When I started high school at aged 11, I was just too weird for my peers. I remember a girl in my class asking me which primary school I went to and I answered "St. cat pig tail", which obviously wasn't true. Most of my peers would just tell me to shut up if I spoke, and after a few months, I just stopped talking completely. I'd sit in the library on my own at lunch and I didn't have any friends. At this moment, I'm in college studying music, and I have about three close friends. All three of them have a disability, which should make it easier for me to talk to them about this I guess, but it's not so easy. I feel really anxious around people. When my family come around to visit, I hide in my bedroom and pray that they don't come up and talk to me. If they do, my heart beats really fast and I just feel so uncomfortable. This is the main problem with me - socialising. I have this constant fear that people are judging me, and I never know what to say. Alot of the time I just start talking random ###### to avoid awkward silences, but I regret it afterwards. Being around others just drains me, unless it's someone who I feel comfortable around, which is really only my mum, dad and my 3 close friends. I feel anxious around most other people. When I was in my early teens, I used to often wonder why I never knew how to start and end conversations and I still feel the same now although I've kinda taught myself, but I still have alot of trouble thinking of what to say, and over the past few years, my fear of being judged by others has got worse. When I went for my college interview last summer, I could feel my heart beating faster and faster and I was starting to feel breathless. I find it hard to look people in the eye, I always have. I just feel uncomfortable. I have read that people with asperger's have a lack of empathy, and for me, this definitely isn't true. In my case, I have too much empathy, if that's possible. I also don't fail to notice others body language. I mean, I find it easy to know how someone is feeling by noticing their facial expressions. I must say though, I seem to think that people are giving me "dirty looks" on a daily basis, or that people are looking at me like I'm an alien or something. Sometimes when my mum is looking at me, I'll say "why are you looking at me like that?" and she will say something like "what are you talking about?" But that's just being super self conscious or verging on paranoid I guess? I am sensitive to light and sound. My mum has a very loud voice, and it just goes right through me, as does anyone's voice if it's too loud. I sit in my room in the day with my curtains closed, and my mini lamp on. Too much light just puts me in a bad mood for some reason. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with Asperger's, but I may aswell include it. I really, really love music. It's my life. I am listening to new music all of the time. From around February 2008 - September 2009, I listened to no-one but Aretha Franklin. From February 2009 - April 2010 I listened to pretty much no-one but Joy Division. I discovered The Velvet Underground last month, and they're my latest obsession. I already have 549 plays of their songs since 28th April. If I were to have a conversation with someone about music, I wouldn't feel as anxious, because it's one of very few things which I feel confident about. I hate being interupted when I'm listening to music. A few days ago, my friend asked me if I wanted a lift in her dad's car to town, but I said no and got the bus instead, because I always look forward to travelling with my music. For me, their is nothing more fulfilling than going on a bus journey, listening to my music and watching the world go by. I know I shouldn't, but every few months or so I skip college and go on 2-3 hour bus journeys around my hometown and just get lost in my music. I am obsessed with it, I play guitar, keyboard, sing, write songs often, and study it in college.. I hate it when I put a good CD on when my family come my house and they just talk over it and don't listen. I feel like everyone should just sit in silence and listen to the music, which is kind of odd I guess.. but how can I know if this is part of Asperger's or just a strong interest of mine? When it comes to routine, I don't make time tables or anything, but I like to know about something at least a day before it happens. If a friend asks me to visit their house on the day that they ask, I often really don't want to, but if they ask me the day before, I won't have a problem. If someone comes to my house to visit and I don't know about it, I feel really anxious and uncomfortable. Sorry for the length of that, I'll stop now. Thanks alot if you read that, I really do appreciate it
