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AdamJ

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Posts posted by AdamJ

  2. Posted · Report reply

    I'm making this request because I feel sure that others here have the same issue. I'm highly dependent on proper English usage, especially grammar and punctuation, to understand what I'm reading. For example, if capital letters and full stops are omitted, I can't tell where sentences are meant to begin and end, often making it impossible for me to discern the meaning of what I'm reading.

     

    I would like to ask people to try to remember not to cut corners when typing a message and instead use correct punctuation and grammar to enable more of us to understand what has been written. I realise not everyone here is able to do this but if you can, it would be really appreciated. :-)

     

    Thank you.

     

    Adam x

  4. Posted · Edited by AdamJ · Report reply

    This is all very new to me, so apologies if I seem ignorant- I'm still learning! :)

     

    My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm struggling to cope with it at the moment. We've been together for about two months, and the more I get to know him, the more I notice his fairly non-typical behaviours (compared to someone without AS obviously). For example, he's really bad at eye contact, he has a set of things he does with his hands when he's excited or upset (which he is fully aware of) and he often can't completely understand how I'm feeling, although he is a very sensitive person and tried his best. He's also obsessed with politics and could talk about it for hours, sometimes without realising that I want to talk about something else. The specialist that saw him said he was an interesting case because he was the most socially advanced person with AS he had ever seen. My boyfriend thinks it's because he was expected to socialise from a very early age and had been brought up very strictly.

     

    I do like him a lot, but I'm worried that if I don't develop some skills to understand and communicate with him this relationship will end very soon. We live 40 minutes away from each other and he works full time (I'm a student)making it even more complicated.

     

    So, here's what I'd really like to know

     

    1.When he says something very direct and seemingly hurtful to me, how is the best way to let him know I don't like what he's just said?

    2.How can I talk to him about our relationship and keep his attention on me,not his obsessions?

    3. Is it ok, when he's obsessing, to bring him out of the obsession and how can I change the subject in the gentlest way?

    4. From the second date he was telling me he loved me-is this normal with someone with Aspergers? How do I tell him I want to slow things down without hurting his feelings? Last time I brought the subject up he turned it into "YOU only want to see me[whatever number of times]" even after we'd decided to go back to the old number of times.

    6. Communication problems!!At the moment, when I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rubs his face, rolls his eyes and pretty much goes silent. Also, when he has stress in his life he tends to take it out on me by being moody and tense. He won't say what the problem is for days on end sometimes which is very stressful for me.

     

    I'd like to know from people who have been in this situation, or from people who recognise that they do some of this themselves and how they are feeling.I have a (much decreased, but still there) anxiety problem so I just take it all personally and get very upset. I don't want this to ruin our relationship, that's why I posted on here to try and understand more. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and rambling-I'm quite emotional at the moment thinking about how much I want this to carry on and how big the odds are against it :(

     

    Your post resonated with me because I have more or less the same traits as your boyfriend. I was married for seven years until my wife divorced me in 2004, citing a list of faults with me that were all related to AS (though neither of us knew I was AS at the time). Since then, I've had two brief relationships but both ended for similar reasons. Now, I'm so fearful of rejection that I'm no longer willing to get involved with anyone seeking a long term relationship. I may be lacking in empathy but I've learned not to want to inflict myself on anyone.

     

    That said, if hypothetically I were ever to get involved again, I would want to find someone who shares my enthusiasm in at least one of my aspie obsessions (photography and motorbikes - I guess photography would be more likely). At least then, I might feel that the other person was interested in what I like talking about.

     

    I hope the hand movements don't put you off him. Regarding the eye contact, I also struggle with it. I've learned over the years to do it but against my will even now. I have to remember to do it and it still unnerves me. It's difficult to describe but when someone makes eye contact with me, I feel like my mind is being invaded.

     

    Concerning your questions, here are my answers as they would relate to me:

    1. Just tell him, in a calm way, that you didn't like what he said and calmly explain why.

    2. I struggle to understand the emotions involved in a relationship, even my own let alone the other person's. At least try to pick your moment when he's not wrapped up in his obsessions.

    3. Trying to drag him away from his obsession is a process of trial and error. Try one tactic and if that doesn't work, try another.

    4. Many aspies don't fully understand the social protocols involved between discovering you're attracted to each other and progressing to a full-blown relationship. Even to me, the processes between these two points serve no logical purpose though I at least understand they have to be followed.

    6. There's no harm asking him what the problem is if he's tense and quiet but it's possible that he himself might not know what the problem is.

     

    Best wishes,

     

    Adam

  7. Posted · Report reply

    Thanks for your replies.

     

    I've twice in the past been admitted to psychiatric hospital with episodes of acute anxiety and it is this together with the dx that seems to have led my ex to the conclusion that I'm some kind of loony. It's ignorance, basically. My psychologist has offered to write a report confirming I don't present any threat whatsoever to the kids or to anyone else. I'll take her up on that. My ex has refused to go with me to any kind of independent advisory or arbitration service, leaving only the legal route which I can't afford.

     

    We have joint custody so, as far as I know, she doesn't even have the right to impose preemptive, arbitrary restrictions like this. If she's got a dispute, I believe the onus is on her, not me, to apply to the courts! Of course, in reality it doesn't work like that. Our children live behind her front door so I can't change anything in practice unless I get a court order.

     

    All the while, my children don't know what's going on so they probably think I'm uninterested in them. It's making me so sad. I don't know what to do.

  8. Posted · Report reply

    I guess Christmas is a hard time for a lot of us and I'm going through a really bad time at the moment. I was only diagnosed AS about a year ago but the dx prompted my ex-wife to decree that I must be accompanied by a relative whenever I have our two kids. I don't understand why - I'm the same person I was before, only now with a label. My 70 year-old mum has been a fantastic support and has ferried my children and me around almost every weekend (I still can't drive after seriously injuring my leg in a car crash last year). But the recent bad weather means she hasn't often been able to make the 90 mile round trip to see us, so my ex has only allowed me to see our children twice in the last six weeks. It's very upsetting for me and for the kids.

     

    I feel like I'm being punished by my ex just for being AS. She is allowing me to visit them at her house between 9am and 10am on Christmas Day, to give them their presents. It doesn't seem fair to me or them. This time of year just heightens my feeling of isolation and loneliness.

     

    I just wanted to share my feelings.

  9. Posted · Edited by AdamJ · Report reply

    I'm not sure I can advise on how you keep things in perspective (maybe an NT can answer that one) but my advice would be:

     

    1) Steer him towards obsolete cameras because they're cheaper. Apart from car booties, Ebay is probably the best place to get them but the danger of introducing him to Ebay is that it might fuel his obsession because there are so many cameras for sale there!

     

    2) Try and keep him on camera bodies. If he gets an interest in lenses as well, the hobby becomes yet more expensive!

     

    Best of luck,

     

    Adam

  10. Posted · Report reply

    I feel very qualified to answer this one!

     

    I also have a camera 'fetish.' He's probably not interested in the current capability of the camera to take photographs; cameras generally are beautiful pieces of engineering and he's probably interested from that angle. I buy obsolete cameras all the time on ebay and I couldn't care less that I will never take a picture with them; they are such beautiful things! Please don't deny him this pleasure!

     

    Adam x

  11. Posted · Edited by AdamJ · Report reply

    I don't think anyone has mentioned this idea but I tried an internet dating website a few years ago and I found it very helpful. That way, at least when you meet someone, you both already know why you're there.

     

    Having said that, I'm still single :-(

     

    Adam

  13. Posted · Report reply

    I really dislike speaking on the phone. As soon as my phone rings, my anxiety rises. I often just let it go to voicemail but that's even worse because I invariably have to phone the caller back and so it just prolongs my anxiety until I summon the courage to call back.

     

    Also, I detest pointless chit-chat and I will avoid it to the point of sounding rude by giving one-word answers or by saying nothing at all, resulting in long silences. My mother doesn't use text or email so she calls me a few times a week to check I'm ok. I'm grateful for her support and I don't want to tell her not to call me but I know it sounds to her like I can't wait for the call to end.

     

    Does anyone else relate to this?

     

    Thanks,

     

    Adam

     

  14. Posted · Report reply

    I'm an adult and I was diagnosed earlier this year. I'm very fortunate to be seeing a clinical psychologist every week and she is helping me with things like coping strategies and stress avoidance. I say that I'm fortunate because having AS isn't a reason in itself for the NHS to be providing me with these services. I was originally referred because of a list of other symptoms - severe depression, suicidality, acute anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder, etc. However, because AS is now known to be the root cause of many of these problems, the therapy I'm getting focuses on AS to a large extent. If I weren't receiving this therapy, I think I'd be feeling rather abandoned so if you're feeling that way, you have my sympathy.

     

    Other than that, I've read a lot of books about AS which has helped me understand myself a lot better. I've also been in touch with a number of aspies on youtube and I joined this site last week!

     

    As trekster says, local support groups seem like a good idea and I would certainly join one if I could find one in my locality. It might also be worth investigating whether your local NHS Trust runs any courses on anxiety management.

     

    All the best,

     

    Adam

  16. Posted · Report reply

    Oh, ok. Thanks for that, Kez.

     

    Having piano teachers can be an expensive thing so, although the logical answer is to get a different one, if your mum can at smooth things over, it might be good to get what ever lessons this lady can offer before you start having to pay. But only if you feel completely comfortable with her. If money isn't an issue, definitely find one better suited to you.

     

    Best wishes,

     

    Adam

     

  18. Posted · Report reply

    Hi, I'm an even newer newbie than you so, forgive me if I'm being dumb but assuming you have been diagnosed, I'm not clear why you don't explore so many of your diagnostic questions with your professionals. Wouldn't they give you answers that are more informed to your specific symptoms?

     

    For what it's worth, yes, I have a tendency to follow instructions literally but, as an adult aspie, I've taught myself around most of these situations through experience and self-learning. I only get caught out occasionally these days.

     

    Best wishes,

     

    Adam

     

  19. Posted · Edited by AdamJ · Report reply

    I'm on a combination apparently known among psychiatrists as California Rocket Fuel - Duloxetine and Mirtazapine. As far as I understand, a study in California a few years ago found that one of them had the effect of 'turbocharging' the effect of the other, hence the nickname!

     

    Also sleepers (Zopiclone) and sedatives (Diazepam) but not every day.

     

    Adam

     

    Edit: sorry, I didn't read the survey question properly. I'm someone with AS (plus depression and acute anxiety disorder), not a relative.

  20. Posted · Report reply

    As I write this message, I'm still at the level of the Norfolk Broads so I haven't been here anywhere near long enough to have any right to request a correction. However, I'm an incurable, annoying pedant, in fact so annoying that I annoy myself. In the few days I've been registered, it's already troubling me that one of the peaks in the series is called "Salisbury Hill." I wonder if I'm the only person shameless enough to admit to knowing that Peter Gabriel's 1977 hit was actually "Solsbury Hill", referring to the hill just outside Bath near where Gabriel lived.

     

    If admin intended to reference a lesser known hill actually called "Salisbury Hill" then I'll sheepishly apologise and drop the issue.

     

    All the best,

     

    Adam

  21. Posted · Report reply

    I have Asperger's and went to mainstream school.

     

    Academically I did exceptionally well, but I didn't really make many close friends. I did have a few friends though, and although I didn't manage to maintain those friends after school, they did help make school life at least tolerable. I disliked school mainly because I found the whole experience very boring and wasn't ever challenged, which with Aspergers just causes you to switch off. I managed to stick with it and due to my interest in reading I never struggled with school work, I was usually quite far ahead of the rest of the class, hence the boredom. I left school with 11 A Grade GCSE's and I managed to go on to get six A'Level's and to do a degree too.

     

    I wouldn't describe school as an easy experience though, It wasn't it was very confusing and ###### difficult. The best I could hope to achieve was to blend into the background really, as socially I didn't have anything like the social skills of my peers. I wasn't bullied very often, but then again I had quite a short fuse when I was a teenager, so I guess the other kids quickly learned not to push too much. For the most part I would describe school as a lonely and rather dull experience. I can't really comment on the benefits or disadvantages of specialised education having never experienced it, but what I can say is that none of my teachers ever even began to suspect that I was ASD at mainstream school, simply because they didn't particularlly pay me any attention. I doubt most of them new my name.

     

    Zen

     

    Zen's experience matches mine, nearly word for word.

     

    As part of my recent AS assessment, my clinical psychologist asked my mother for my school report. It was the first time anyone had looked at it since I left school and it was surprisingly clear from all of the teachers' remarks how noticeably my mood and interest levels declined continuously from the first year to the last. By the end, I couldn't wait to leave. The prospect of university was simply too terrifying for me.

     

  22. Posted · Report reply

    I drag-race motorbikes, not professionally but at a fairly good level. My particular event is the standing mile (one mile from a standing start with the objective of achieving the highest possible terminal speed). I'm not really competing directly with anyone else but rather against my own previous best speed. I suppose that not competing head-to-head with another person is a good thing for me but on the other hand, endlessly striving for higher and higher speeds year after year definitely feeds my obsessive tendencies, which probably isn't a good thing!

     

    I can relate to your negative feelings when you haven't performed well but I'm wondering whether these strong feelings can affect anyone who is serious about their sport, not just those of us with AS. Have you thought about getting help from a sports psychologist?

     

    Adam

     

  23. Posted · Report reply

    Since you obviously have a high IQ, have you ever considered joining Mensa? In many areas they have an active social community, and it may be an opportunity for you to socialise if that's something you are looking for.

     

    I score highly on paper but the level of functionality I have in real life is quite markedly restrained. For that reason, I'm much more interested in connecting with people with AS than people with a high IQ. I want to learn to overcome the issues I have from people with the same condition as me. I hope that makes sense.

     

    Best wishes,

     

    Adam

     

  24. Posted · Report reply

    Hi, I'm Adam. I've just registered and this is my very first post.

     

    I was formally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in April this year. I always suspected something wasn't quite right but since I had no means of knowing how other people experienced life, I ended up just assuming everyone else was the same as me. I became more conscious of my differences in my teens but even then, I just put it down to having a different personality and different interests. I'm sure there has also been a lot of denial going on in my head over the years.

     

    Having been diagnosed only recently, I'm still learning how I differ from neuro-typicals and in many ways, I still don't know what I don't know. For example, I'm still reeling from the revelation that it's possible to gauge how someone is feeling just from their eyes. I didn't know that - the specialist had to abandon my 'Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test’ because I couldn't even begin to do it. Maybe I should first try harder to deal with my dislike of eye contact, then I might learn something!

     

    On a positive note, I dealt a blow on behalf of the ASD community by scoring the highest IQ (99.9th percentile) that my psychologist has ever tested. Who wants to be a neuro-typical anyway!!

     

    My current interests are photography, drag-racing a distressingly fast motorbike and taking care of my two wonderful daughters (they live with my ex-wife but I see them every weekend). I've got many things to be grateful for and I hope to have even more by making some new friends through this forum.

     

    Best wishes,

     

    Adam

     

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