I am 43 years old and I live with my partner, aged 48. We first met approximately 20 years ago, had a relationship for 5 years before going our separate ways but after 5 years apart, we got back together. That was approx. 11 years ago.
Two years ago, my partner asked me to move in with him. Our relationship over the years had been fun, it was not long before I fell madly in love with him and I felt that to be living together would be the icing on the cake for me. I told my daughter, rented my home out and moved in with him. That was the exciting bit.
Just before moving in together, I was made redundant. I received a fairly good severance but, due to my partner having credit card debts, the money soon ran out. I felt that as we were now together we had to help each other and in the beginning I did not have a problem with the arrangements. It was only when speaking to him about contacting a debt counsellor and/or his creditors, that I first saw the first signs of anxiety in him. It was a little odd, watching the panic in him as he went over in his mind the things I suggested he say in a telephone call, he became very anxious, even to the extent of snapping at me which I felt was a complete over-reaction to the situation. To watch a fully grown man tie himself in knots over this was mystifying.
It was about 3 months after we moved in together that I began to question his mental state furthe. We had spoken about compromise before I moved into his place, about his making dinner when he is off work, basically sharing everything, going out etc. I can honestly say that in the time I have been here, he has made dinner on only two occasions. When I suggest that I take a day off on my birthday or Mothers’ Day, he says things like “That’s ok, we can get KFC”.
Another occasion that comes to mind, quite sadly – was our first Christmas here. My parents, happy at last that their daughter had finally settled down, came for dinner – as did my partner’s brother. I am sad to say however that that Christmas was the worst one I can recall in my whole life.
In the morning before my parents were due, my partner decided that that was the time for the whole house to be vacuumed and told my daughter to begin work. I am far from work-shy but I had to draw the line at housework on Christmas day! My partner then spent the whole day sulking, casting dirty looks at my daughter, making snide remarks etc. The day was ruined. What struck me the most was his inability to see how daft he looked glaring at my daughter from across the room. My parents later told me that it was their worst Christmas ever. My daughter at the time had just turned 14, but to see her at the wrath of a man – something she had never seen before as he did not interact with her beforehand, was painful for me. I could not understand how an adult could behave that way, let alone towards the daughter of the woman he loved and in front of my family and his brother.
I should add that I am intelligent, intellectual person with an interest in psychology and human behaviour. I have a degree in law, a counselling diploma and have spent years trying to figure people out whilst also trying to understand myself. I began to feel that there was more to my partner’s behaviour.
His lack of social etiquette was even more shocking even to the extent that, after our Christmas meal, he suggested to my parents that they use our bedroom to work off some food and make room for dessert! He laughed and seemed oblivious to the fact that no one else was. On a few occasions since, he has made sexual references in conversations with my parents, so much so, my sister told him it was not appropriate to do so – this was at another family Christmas, yet just last week he did it again – I was so embarrassed. I cannot understand why when told, he acknowledges what was said, yet does the very same irritable thing again.
This relationship feels one sided – as long as his dinner is cooked, clothes washed, house cleaned, etc he is ok. But there is a complete lack of understanding of my needs (can you believe that we have not had an evening out or a holiday despite all the words (I use the term ‘words’ rather than promises as it is clear to me that he does not recall everything he says), but to be honest at this stage, I would not feel comfortable going anywhere with him socially.
At times I feel he is getting worse. My daughter, now nearly 15, tolerates him. This is not what I wanted nor expected in a relationship. My partner cannot communicate with her other than to chastise her for not doing something or for doing something but not to his standards, yet he at times exhibits a very slothful attitude, preferring to lie around in bed all day, but criticising anyone else who chooses to do the same. That reminds me, if it is not me or my daughter he is criticising, he manages to criticise practically everyone on TV which takes away the enjoyment and deeply annoys me.
His children do not come over and his family tolerate him.
To say I am disappointed would be an understatement – I have loved this man for years, I always thought he was a good listener, but did not realise that these problems would make me consider leaving him. I hate to see the look my daughter gives him, I hate the way he speaks to her (and he uses such horrible language towards her I wouldn’t dare write it) and I hate the way he makes me feel. I also hate the fact that at last I am with a man I love but who is emotionally or mentally unable to understand what is wrong and the part he plays in this relationship. Everything he says begins with “As long as I am happy ….”; no consideration given to my happiness at all.
I cry every other day at the lack of emotional support I have at the moment. Attempts to discuss this with him have at times been acknowledged, but he flies off the handle and it makes it more difficult. He has a problem understanding my teenage daughter and often criticises my parenting skills saying how soft I have been with her (he thinks she is lazy because she doesn’t act the way his parents taught him to) yet my daughter is a beautiful, typical teenage girl and we have a good relationship. The only thing I am happy about is that I played a huge part in the development of her self-esteem and have also educated her to some extent on the effects of aspergers on an individual and his negativity towards her has not, as far as she tellsd me, had a huge impact as I am aware of the damage repetitive negative messages can have on adults.
I am fed up of stepping on egg shells around him, tired of repeating myself. Even up until last night as he had spent the day moaning that my daughter hadn’t done any housework, even though the house is spotless, I said that I felt he could not communicate with her properly, always chastising her, which he then tried to justify by saying “she should take pride in her environment”, this morning before even saying “morning” (she had a friend staying over), he knocked her bedroom door to tell her to wash up even though she had not surfaced and it was our breakfast things in the sink!
Im tired. I feel cursed when it comes to relationships; I loved one man for 7 years before he physically abused me, but I left him and he went to prison. The second man, my daughter’s father, left me after 13 years, when I was pregnant and now this – to have been in love with a man for nearly 10 years, move in with him, only to learn he has aspergers.
I thought if he loved me, he would see the pain and if he couldn’t feel it, he would hear my anguish.
I don’t know what to do – I am depressed, suicidal, lonely and in a great deal of pain which the man I love cannot or will not even try to understand. At times I want to go – I cannot see what I am gaining out of this relationship and if that’s the case consider it best to live alone. At other times, I know he cannot help some of his behaviour, but my attempts to guide him cause him to flare up, what I say is ignored and his behaviour is repeated again. It is the yoyo effect that it getting to me the most.
I now have a good job and with it a lot of responsibility. At times I feel as though I had two children. We had plans to get a new car, bathroom, holiday etc, but I cannot even plan for tomorrow when I feel so depressed; I always feel that for one step forward, he says or does something which makes us take two steps back. I tell him this but nothing changes and I have to repeat myself. We are going around in circles.
Apologies for the rather long blog, but as you can see, I am in a great deal of pain and do not know where to turn. I love him but hate the way he treats my daughter - gladly she has other more able male role models such as her grandfathers and knows my partner has an underlying condition.
Would appreciate some thoughts on this.
mx
