Hi, I don't really know where to start with this as there's just so much to say and so much I need to find out. For years (since I was 5) I've classed myself as being nuts, odd, not like everyone else..... When I was about 13 I met a girl - the one and only girl that I've ever really connected with and oddly it seemed to the same in reverse. Although I didn't know at first she also has the same issues, probably worse than me. Pretty frequently she goes into complete emotional shut down, can't stand other people's company, conversation and especially physical contact. It seems that this happens when the people around her (especially me) are stressed or just not feeling that happy. She has always been odd emotionally, she works with horses and has a dog - people see her as an animal lover but when you're close to her you realise that she just has an affinity with animals, an understanding - none of the usual stroking and petting and animal loving type activities. She's kind of the same with people, she understands the basics but somehow it feels like she's doing what is expected and not what comes naturally.
We both come from the lancashire valleys and have had the same experiences that people there don't want to have abnormal kids so they just ignore them. I've gone through cancer treatment twice now and while the people around me fall about crying (including the doctors) I just really don't get it - I'm ill and I might die but what's the difference between that and the flu? The most bizarre experience for me is that after my first lot of cancer treatment I had to go in for Psych evaluation. The lady who evaluated me was obviously well experienced in the job but she broke down in tears during our consultation and said that she couldn't speak to me further as I just didn't care. The situation is getting worse now, I have a lot of physical problems that need dealing with but every doctor or medical person I speak to just gets the hump with me, apparently I treat them like idiots and don;t come across as someone who needs help at all. At the moment I have no job, no money, no benefits, poor health and a girlfriend who I love dearly but can see that my problems are not something that she needs. I took an aspergers test and the results are quite clear that I have asperger like symptoms - 25/25 on the aspie social test which probably explains why I have no friends and can't hold down a job.
The only light that I can see at the end of the tunnel is the love I feel towards my girlfriend (who also happens to be my ex wife) and the fact that even though she is in a complete emotional shutdown she doesn't want to push me away completely. I get the feeling that we found each other because we are different but I have no idea if that is a good thing or a surefire route to insanity - any help would be really appreciated
