Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong section, I wasn't sure where to post it.
I'm new here and was wondering if any of you who have been diagnosed with Asperger's would agree that the things I describe indicate that I too may have it? Or is it more likely to just be social anxiety?
(Sorry, this is going to be very long by the way)
Firstly, I am female and 17. Nothing from childhood would really be indicative of an autistic spectrum disorder- there was no language delay, no avoidance of eye contact, no marked trouble socialising- I was simply shy and academic. (OCD and general obsessive tendancies, eg. a fixation with 'good' and 'bad' numbers and words started at around 11). After primary school, my ability to communicate in social settings started to decrease and has been worsening ever since. I've become quite withdrawn and prefer to be alone most of the time- I always think I would like to have friends, but when I am around others, I tend to find it very uncomfortable and can find them irritating- I become increasingly tuned in to things like noise and the volume of their voices- it all seems too loud. I've read about unusual gait being a possible symptom of AS- it probably sounds silly but I don't move my arms when I walk- I don't notice it, it's just natural (and moving them seems strange to me), but it's something others comment on quite a bit.
I don't socialise- I haven't gone out with friends in about four years. There is a group I can sit with at school and I have normally have no trouble discussing things like homework with them, but anything else, and I tend to remain silent. When I do attempt to speak, it requires a great deal of effort and planning and generally they don't hear me anyway- I can't seem to speak loud enough to anyone outside of my immediate family. The communication difficulties are particularly noticable at work (I work in a clothes shop) and I'm pretty sure most of the people there think I'm either very rude or very strange- I can't seem to talk to the others who work there and the physical 'symptoms' are quite apparent- eg. stiff posture, making strange hand movements when uncomfortable and particular hand movements when stressed/frustrated, repetitive behaviour, stuttering. It's a lot easier with total strangers- I can communicate relatively normally in formal settings with strangers (eg. job interview) and with customers unless I'm being watched or something, however, I come across a lot younger than I am and am nearly always spoken to like a child which can get irritating. The strange part is, I am very aware at the time that I am coming across in a child-like way, I just don't know how to change it.
However, I have read a lot about things like lack of empathy and inability to understand sarcasm being symptoms of AS- I don't exhibit these characteristics at all- if anything, I am more tuned in to others' feelings and motives than other people- it's something I pick up almost automatically- being silent most of the time has allowed me to become very observant. I can empathise with others easily and care a lot for them but just can't express this in any way and therefore come across as cold and emotionless. I tend to become obsessed with certain characters in programmes/books, or certain people (inc. celebrities) for a period of time and want to find out everything I can about them- not in a stalkerish-way, just acquiring a large amount of facts with no intention of ever putting them to use. Other strongly obsessive tendancies come and go periodically, eg. exercise, weight loss etc. though I'm not sure if that's at all relevant.
Basically, I can mentally connect with others but physically, it's just a no-go zone. For the past year or two, things like eye contact and verbal communication are generally avoided when possible except with family members. I spend most of my time fantasising over silly things like conversations I would have with people, or conversations they would have with each other- my imagination seems to have strengthened since childhood! Things like speaking in groups or reading aloud are difficult- I tend to get shaky and sound barely literate and resort to self-harming out of frustration/an attempt at distraction whilst being asked to read in class. Though, in my second language, I don't mind speaking in public, which is leading me to stray away from the social anxiety idea.
Another connection with the list of female traits is depression, not so much on an every-day level- more accurately, 'bouts' of quite intense depression seem to come out of nowhere and take effect very quickly approximately every five weeks or so, lasting only a few hours but being very over-powering and leading to self-harming out of frustration at the time, as well as worrying my family which is something I hate doing.
I have quite distinct interests and spend a lot of time reading, walking and drawing, and do very well academically, particularly with languages and english, however the asperger's stereotype seems to indicate an inclination towards maths/physics! (which I definitely don't possess). I do have an interest in science and read a lot about psychology. The scientific ability comes less naturally- I read on the 'list of female asperger's traits' that difficulty remembering verbal instruction is quite common and that's something that is currently causing me to do badly in one of my school subjects- all the material is taught verbally and I need to write things out to remember anything- I do have a supposedly unusual ability to remember large chunks of written material though if that's at all relevant.
Overall really, the communication difficulty is the main issue and the main reason I'm wondering if I may have Asperger's, even though it's something that only started to become properly noticable at around age 12. I am very interested in people and it is highly frustrating to feel so disconnected at school/work to the extent that I avoid almost all social contact outside of those places. If anyone had any thoughts, that would be great. Even if you think I definitely don't have AS, that would be helpful too, and sorry for rambling!
Thankyou for reading
