Naomumi

Hi Thomas66 Personally I/we are in a whole other place to you trying to establish whether a diagnosis is relevant or beneficial for my 45 year old AS (??) hubbie, but I can hear your weary frustration at not being able to help someone you desperately care for, so I had to reply just to offer hope and good thoughts.... Hang in there........you are the stars in your daughters world, the ones who keep her world together, no matter how she may resist your best intentions. Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Well........ Naomi <'>

Cheers RainbowsButterflies <'> Sorry baddad I din't mean to sound like I was shutting you down, painful though your honest truths are. The last few days have been pretty rough for all of us here and I think I wasn't ready to admit out loud [so to speak] that I agree with alot of what you're saying. I'm new to the forum at a low ebb and to use another cliche I was probably more after the "there there....." than honest home truths. I do value your thoughts and as I say largely agree, I just don't much like where that information takes me.............apologies if that made me defensive Naomi

Bless you darkshine....it helps, And thanks again baddad, I think we'll have to agree to disagree on a number of things but I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions Naomi

Thanks for your post baddad Sadly I wish I were simply trying to introduce something new. Our marriage has been difficult for some years and our recent identification of AS as a possible contributing factor is positive not an excuse. I've read reams of marriage and support literature and I have gone as far as I can on my own with relate. My husband has categorically said he won't go to councelling. I'm not blaming our failings on him or AS, but perhaps I am blaming him for not considering this or anything else as a positive opportunity to understand eachother better and improve our marriage for ourselves and the son we both love. None of the books I have read have said "'male' behaviour as autistic (and 'wrong') and female behaviour as 'normal' (and right)",nor is that my view, in fact it trivialises the experiences of the small but significant proportion of females with AS. I have read clinical texts, and biographies by both AS and NT partners in marraige. I am not reacting, I have carried out careful and thorough research before deciding to ask others in similar circumstances for help. I don't think he's broken or just male, he's the man I have loved and nourished for 25 years, my commitment to him is not in question, my belief in our marriage is a seperate issue. I agree completely that a diagnosis proves nothing...........proves nothing.........but gives/gave me tenuous hope. And oh dear baddad...to resort to an "all men are b**tards" jibe, tut tut your own issues are showing Asperger's is not a threat or an issue for me, if I had diabetes, or our son had heart disease [ heaven forbid !!] we would adapt and survive....or not. Asperger's is not a "scary thing" its a "thing" we deal with it........ Best Naomi

Hi Guys Whole new world for me this forum game, so bear with me............ I'm 42 and have been married for nearly 10 years and have one son aged 7. My husband and I both problematic damaged childhoods and both freely admit to carrying our fair share of 'baggage'. Our marriage has been a rolloercoaster but I'm still here and grittily proud of that I suppose. 2 months ago my husband made his own tentative self assessment through online assessment tools. It had led from a passing comment chacteristic of so much of our interactions when he says "its not just me.....other people think like this"....but on this occasion he finished the comment with "but many of them have an AS diagnosis". I still can't decide if this was him pushing open a door for discussion, I suggested he might like to consider looking into assessment and he went online. His AS chart shows very strong characteristics and then the fun began...... It was a very difficult time for both of us, him wanting to hide under a rock and not deal with this, me reading every clinical and social literature I can get my hands on but being unable to try to use this knowldge for the help and benefit of our family. Several close friends have said "Well.....dur.....we assumed you knew that" The name/diagnosis whatever doesn't mean anything to me, its not a label as hubby fears but it is causing me great pain: On the one hand I love this man deperately he's been part of my life for 25 years he's the father of my son and I believe in our love and marriage.....here comes the "but" BUT.....I am doing one of two extremes of emotion constantly 1) grief and despair that the nourishing communicative intimate rleationship I thought was achievable through hard work in any marriage, may never been there for us, and at least in part because my own baggage centres on rejection and self esteem I don't know how long I can hold out in this one sided unsupported new world. But 2) I cried tears of joy at the relatisation that my husbands behaviours do not reflect that he wishes he never married me, no longer desires me, and hates everything I say. Where to go from here........... I've read some wonderful inspirational books and am desperate to do what I can to stay and keep a lovely boy close to a dad he loves [ but struggles to understand]but like so much of this I seem to be swimming uphill as hubby won't discuss AS or CBT or any aspect of change, but continues to flare up , rage at us both and have to be right and say the last word. I've had 2 lots of CBT myself and have just been signed off work with physical and emotional exhaustion. We haven't really talked to the GP as hubby won't discuss with anyone but I'm at my wits end and if I can't hold on, the whole deck of cards will come crashing down..... Some help, support, hugs would be most welcome, and hello to you all Naomi