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Thanks Nellie I cant remember if I have replied to you. Cant quite get the hang of this system. What does PM mean? Sounds like you have your hands full!!

Thanks

I know what you mean about the arguments!! Something clicked when we were on holiday recently - my husband and I were disagreeing about something and he asked why I was winding him up. When I thought about this question I realised that he always thinks he is right, cannot understand that others have different opinions, beliefs, points of view, etc. So he must think that I am just arguing for argument's sake when I disagree because to him I couldnt possibly think differently so must be just trying to wind him up!! My husband gets really angry and aggressive as well which doesnt help. I know what you mean about the rollercoaster - but I am having more downs than ups lately and that worries me.

Thanks for the reply Paula. I have read the book, but found it quite deflating as most of the other real life stories are. I dont find them inspirational, just end up feeling sorry for the person who has to put their life on hold and live with the AS person. I will try the website when I can get on the computer, I am replying to my post from work as the computer is my husbands obsession! My mum thinks my dad has AS too, not that he is related to my hubby, I work with a male client group and often see traits in them, but then wonder if I am being sensitive to the condition because I live with it. We have been told that if you can put interventions and strategies in place when they are young it does not have such a great effect when they are older. Too late for my husband - he wasnt diagnosed til he was 33, but hopefully you can do some work with your son.

Hi Tally It feels quite difficult talking to you because of your AS - I dont want to upset you by moaning and really appreciate your reply - hearing things from the other side!! I went out last night for an hour and a half after work because I had had a really awful day and needed to talk to my friend - hubby had a real strop when I got home so I ended up staying at my friends overnight. He doesnt like me going out, he wants me to do everything with him, from going to the freezer to pick something for dinner to running up the stairs to plug the light in in the attic (when he could quite easily do it himself!!). I find it really hard to differentiate between the AS and my husbands natural personality. He is very insecure (again I think is that because of the AS?), thinks negatively of everyone and everything- but at the same time thinks he knows exactly what people are thinking and why they are doing things. If I could tell that some of his behaviours were HIM I would definitely leave, but I feel guilty, like I should allow for these things and 'look after him'. He is very aggressive - he shouts a lot and gets really angry about things - other partners I have spoken to say that their husbands are laid back and quiet, leaving them free to get on with their own lives. I dont have that luxury. Even though 2 counsellors have told us that I need 'me space', he still doesnt accept that very easily. I just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall and I need to do something soon before I go mad.

Hi Kerre The counsellor thought I couldnt cope and my husband wouldnt change so that was her answer!! It did really rock us for a while and things went a bit quieter, but he's back to his normal self now. He is very aggressive and angry and doesnt realise he is pulling menacing faces or swearing or shouting (so he says). Maybe I am just being over sensitive and should just ignore him, but I find it very difficult. My kids also find his body language and tone of voice intimidating and he says inappropriate things too. He is constantly laughing at my clothes, shoes, etc. for no apparent reason. I find it all very confusing.

Hi Alex And I thought I had it bad!!!! How are you the only sane one - I would be absolutely demented living with more than one of my husband? Dont you ever feel like running away? We had a ding dong last night and I ended up staying at my friend's house. Her partner is lovely, worships her, wants her to have a good time, does all the cooking, etc. I ended up feeling really sad and thinking 'why cant I find someone like this?' I have several friends who have really easy-going partners who never judge them or tell them what to do and I am constantly feeling my energy levels and confidence dropping because I have to try and tell myself that I am a good person and dont deserve to be treated how I am treated. My husband thinks that I shouldnt be upset by him because he is not doing/saying things 'on purpose' but he cant understand that it still hurts. Have had to stop reading books on AS because they were really getting me down thinking I might have to live like that for the rest of my life. Keep sane and in touch.

Thanks for the message Shona. It is difficult to separate the AS and my husband's behaviour. He is quite insecure and very negative and doubting of everything and everybody, but I dont know if that has been caused by having AS. We have been told that I need to have time for myself with NT people to gain some sense of normalcy by two different counsellors, but he still gets funny about me going out. I went out last night for and hour and a half after work with my best friend because I am having a really tough time at work and didnt want to be told to leave/go off sick/write to the manager etc (or whatever other solutions he thought I should implement) and he had a strop when I got home so I ended up going back out and staying at my friend's house. I dont want him to be grateful to me, but he just doesnt realise how difficult it is to live with him and if I try to talk to him about his behaviours he just launches into a tirade of things that I do wrong (most of which are completely reasonable to a non AS person). So it is very difficult to sort things out. I think he is using his AS as an excuse for some of his behaviours - but who can tell?

My husband has AS and I am looking for other women in similar relationships or support groups. I have trolled through this website for hours and can only find people talking about their children. Whilst I understand that this is very difficult, I feel that I need some support around living with an adult with AS. No-one understands the guilt when I think about leaving. No-one understands that it is like looking after another child. No-one understands that I can never think about myself - I have to get into his world all the time. No-one understands the strain it puts on my relationship with my grown up kids who cant understand why I put up with his behaviour. No-one understands that we cant go to social events without a big trauma. No-one understands how tired I feel and how desparate. We have been to see a counsellor and after spending ?700 she told us to split up - but I feel that has to be my decision - when I am ready for it. My husband thinks that because he doesnt mean to upset me, be insensitive, not understand, be difficult, not like me going out etc that it is ok to behave this way. If it isnt done on purpose then it is alright. He cant understand that it still affects me. I have empathy with you mothers, because I feel that I am looking after a child sometimes and cant just walk away from that - although in reality I can. If only it was that easy. My self-esteem is very low because he just says things without thinking, I feel lonely and alone. Any advice please?