Hi Guys, thank you for your replies, I am feeling very low at the moment, due to total frustration at being incapacitated and upset at the way he is treating me. Firstly, Emma I don't know how to email you privately, could you help me out please? Secondly, my partner has not been diagnosed. He is adamant that he has not got Asperger's (by the way sorry for being stupid, what is DX?)
About 3 years ago I went to see a relate councillor for help, it was he who suggested that my partner sounded as though he had Asperger's, after that I read loads of stuff, on the net and in books and all of his behaviour - which at times is totally wierd, fell into place. I wrote out several A4 sheets of paper - a long list of traits that I had read and fit him to a T. Then I plucked up the courage and gave it to him to read, I asked him who it was about, he was mad as hell at me but did look at it briefly, his response was: 'well me of course, so what?' I told him it was not about him but just general traits of how someone with A can act. We had a row with him storming outside to finish a job off he was doing, I expected him to leave (he was at my house) but he didn't, eventually he asked me: 'if I have this thing, is there a cure?' I said no, but there was help out there that could make a difference, at that he just got madder and told me to shut up as I was just being stupid. the think is I suspect very strongly that his daughter, who is 13, (by a previous 4 year relationship) also has it as she behaves very like her father. Strangely he gets annoyed at her traits, and I gently tell him that she is just like him, he says: well I should understand her then shouldn't I?
We did get married, I have always kept my own home, and spent times living with him with my two youngest kids, our relationship was like a yo-yo, moving in, moving out. When I was out, he would woo me back with unbelievably loving behaviour, attentive, light hearted, etc, when I moved back within a few days he was cold, uncommunicative, and what felt like hostile, he would pace around and stare out of windows for long periods of time or take off to his garage, when he did come back in he would often be fairly hostile and not want to talk, this drove me crazy and I couldn't understand what was going on. So I'd leave again. (my poor kids) eventually he told me he would get married, he knew I wanted a commitment from him. I spent ages trying to explain that I didn't want just marriage I wanted his love and his kindness...etc...
We got married in a registry office with my two eldest boys ( I have 4 kids) as witnesses, no one else. The night before our marriage he was almost ill with stress, I told him not to go ahead as it was obvious too much for him, but he wanted to go ahead. After the marriage we had lunch with my boys then went back to my house alone, I was excited and wanted to move straight back to his house, and he told me not to be too hasty as I would lose my tax credit if I did!!! (I was speechless) Eventually he let us move back with suitcases and not much else. Within a week of our marriage he told me he was in a 'black mood' because of what he had done. I was gutted and felt responsible for his upset. Eventually after two years I divorced him, something he has never forgiven me for!!! (go figure)
We can have lovely times together, when out walking on the fells, having picnics, cooking together. he has funny little ways that I almost ignore now, he pulls a silly face at me, baring his teeth and wrinkling his nose at me, he laughs usually but sometimes does it when we are out, he seems almost unconscious that he is doing it. He gets obsessive about certain things, a song, a book, a film etc. He has a few films on video he watches again and again over the years, it took a while before I realised that he borrows phrases and behaviour patterns from the heroes in the films, and when he was wooing me in the past he was acting out what he had seen and admired, - it was effective, it hooked lots of women, he was obsessed with sex, and over the years has broken a lot of hearts in his quest for yet another relationship.
If we are watching a programme and he hears something that gets him riled up, he will talk over the rest of the news etc in a loud voice, totally oblivious of the fact that I am trying to hear the TV. He is fairly obsessive about maps, OS maps, he has loads and sometimes just spends ages looking at a map, it seems to calm him. He also hates shutting drawers, all over the house drawers are left open, as are his wardrobe doors, he also likes to have window sills covered in bits and pieces, screws, bits of wire etc, if I tidy up it gets him agitated so now I leave things as they are! He cannot keep eye contact and doesn't like it when he is looked at by people. He doesn't like it when anyone comes to the house (even my kids) and tends to just get up and go out after a while and not come back, early on I just thought he was rude. The night before my lovely dad's funeral I phoned him for some support, I was with my mum - he suddenly said, 'by now they will have filled the body with excellerant so it 'goes up' more quickly' my dad was being cremated. I was beside myself with hurt that he could have said such a thing!
I was thinking last night that he has the argumentative skills of a 6 year old, the tantrums and sulks of a grumpy teenager, the diy skills of professional - there is nothing he can't mend or do, and the emotional skills of a robot!!!
He told me once that getting or giving a hug left him cold, he gets nothing from a hug, if I am upset or in tears he never ever comes to hug me. He dislikes kissing or hand holding and if I try to take hold of his arm or hand to snuggle on the sofa he whines at me in a child like voice 'don't Im comfy' meaning - don't touch me!
Apart from sex, when he wants it, he doesn't like to cuddle in bed, his idea of contact will be fingers touching or a leg thrown over me, but mostly bed is a very lonely place.
He hates texts and rarely replies to anyone - he says 'you don't send a text to get a text' - and on the phone he is a nightmare, long silences when you are not sure if he has gone or not!
He is such hard work at times, and yet I do love him, he is such a larger than life character that without him I feel empty and lost. Yes, he does wear me out and the isolation he can make me feel is awful. He never ever compliments me, if I ask he says, is your self esteem so low that you need me to say something about how you look? I recently went out for a girlie night out with ex work colleagues, I got ready putting on make up and a dress and when I came down he just kept saying: you look like you're going on a date. he was clearly uncomfortable with that idea!
I don't know how to let him go. To be honest over the years we have had some horrendous rows, and splits, but he always lets me back into his life, he says he feels comfortable with me, (high praise in his book I think) and he says he thinks we will end up together.
I know I sound pathetic, my family are sick of me - they want me out of his life, my daughter understands and kind of knows like me there is something wrong, but still thinks I should move on.
:-( (sorry for the long rambling post)
