I've been with my parther for 2 years (she is 40) and we have been living together for just over a year.
When we first started dating everything seemed normal as you would expect with any new relationship, but it soon became apparent to me that aspects of her behaviour were a little unusual. As time has gone on her behaviour has become more challenging. There was a part of me that thought that, maybe, something wasn't right but then I would just write it off as personalities and hope that things would get better.
Sometimes we are fine but there seems to be a cycle in which she will fall out over the simpliest things (she refused to speak to me for a week once for not eating a bowl of rice pudding!). If I try to talk about our relationship she accuses me of being over emotional and can be very cold. In social gatherings she says inappropriate things that shock me (and other people) but we just laugh if off. With her old friends she built a reputation as being "the mad one" but I wonder whether this we because of her irrational communication skills.
She also say things about my son that (I would feel) she should know I would find hurtful but she seems completely oblivious to the hurt she causes and gets extremely defensive if I challenge her.
We have had a couple of major fall-outs (almost to break up point) but I've always tried to convince myself that things will get better but not a day goes by when she doesn't say or do something that make me question whether I should stay with her.
Anyway, the other day we were watching a documentry on television about a teenage boy with Aspergers and it took my breath away, like an epithany. All the symptoms were there, an inability to show emotion, irrational behaviour, high IQ, obsessive behaviour, manic highs and deep lows, starring into space as in some kind of day dream, often mumbling and irratic and constantly tapping her foot when watching tv, restlessness (I've known her start cleaning the house at 1 o'clock in the morning then get angy with me for not helping), extremely contradictory (whatever I say she will ALWAYS take the opposite view). I though there is a chance she has a Aspergers. It all made sense. I know she struggled with school and her parents when she was young and, as she put it, went off the rails. Her son's (he is 5) teacher told her recently that she thought he may have ADSD so there could be a genetic line. I know her mother has a history of mental problems as well.
The realisation that she may have Aspergers at first came as a relief because there suddenly seemed a reason behind her behaviour (she wasn't doing it on purpose). These thoughts were soon replaced with a sadness for her and a feeling that I would want to help her in some way. I want to discuss this with her but I know that she will go absolutely mad if I do. When her teacher suggested that her son may have ADSD she went ballistic and said she will never accept it as it will be a stigma that will stay with him all his life so I genuinely don't think she will accept that she has the condition.
I do love her but feel that this is something that I have to discuss with her. I worry that she may react so badly that she may never get over it and, ultimately, it may lead to our breakup. How have other partners broached the subject from cold?
How best could I discuss this with her? I want her to know that I understand and maybe we can work together to put things in place that will help the situation. It's such a sensitive issue any advice would be gratfully received.
I'd like to know more about Aspergers. Do people accept that they have Aspergers or do they think they are "normal". If they can accept that they have the condition then can they work on improving their behaviour pattern (I know there is no 'cure')? If somebody with Aspergers believes that what they do is normal then how can you convince them that they have the condition?
Also, I'd like to know if there are any support groups for men whose partners have Aspergers? I live near Nottingham and would love to share things with other men (or women) in my position. It can feel lonely and isolating being in such a relationship and I feel that being able to talk with people who are going through the same things as I am would really help.
Thanks for reading
