Hi there,
I've been reading the forum for a while, plucked up the courage and dealt with the acceptance enough to register the other day and here I am typing my first post, which I've been subconsciously putting off since being able to post.
Overwhelmed seems a good word to kick things off with, and as cliched as it sounds, I really don't know where to start. I want to get it all down, but equally am conscious of boring the hell out of anyone reading, but then I guess I'm in a place that understands better than most about people waffling on and not picking up the hint that others aren't interested(!)
I'm David, I'm 33 and live in Cambridgeshire. I'm Divorced with 2 young children from said marriage. I have a partner to whom I'm recently engaged and who is also expecting our first child (early days, though, not due until mid-July 2014). My youngest son, who has just turned 6 has been diagnosed as high-functioning Autistic. My older son is 8 (and a half) and while a handful-and-a-half, is not. I'm fortunate to have a very good relationship with my ex-wife, we both recognise the importance of what is best for the children, and now it has been a few years, bitterness, regret, resentment and other negative feelings towards each other have subsided enough to allow us to be very civil with each other, genuinely helpful and sympathetic towards each other and all in all, we get on pretty well. (We split up because we got married very young <I was 23, she was 21> and it was a case of just growing apart and realising that we were really just friends).
A few months back, a routine blood test of my youngest son (ASD) revealed a chromosonal abnormality, which we have since learned is very rare and not much is known about it, except that it is associated with ASD. The procedure required blood tests of myself and his Mother, and it was found that I have the exact same abnormality.
It did not come as a shock. Well, at least on the outside I said it didn't to myself and others. I have always felt 'different', and had resigned myself to simply feeling that I had my funny little ways and just had some strong preferences and pet hates. However, as my youngest Son went from toddler to little boy, I began to see an overwhelming amount of myself in him. From his intense dislike of bright lights, particularly the Sun, through his (sometimes violent) hatred of the sound of people eating (regardless of how politely and quietly they are munching away), to many attributes of his character; wanting to be left alone a lot, social difficulties etc etc. Having never voiced any of my thoughts to anyone about how different I felt from others, I felt fortunate that my girlfriend has been wonderfully supportive and understanding of me and my difficulties and I think realised with me that there could well be 'something' up with me, as opposed to just being a bit weird, not wanting to have anything to do with the vast majority of other members of my species and craving time to myself. I score 34 on the AQ test and could list many factors of my personality which ring true with Asperger's - to the point where I am (especially now) as convinced as I can be that I would be officially diagnosed if I were to pursue a diagnosis.
I'm nearing the end of a 2 week sign-off from work with Anxiety/Depression following a meltdown after being pulled up for making some very silly mistakes. I sell Insurance, a profession I stumbled into a few years back. I don't like it, I hate work, I have never liked any job and never been able to last more than 3 years in any of them before I either get fed up and move to another place to hate, or get given the boot for a variety of stupid reasons.
I feel very low, very weak and unable to cope with anything at the moment. Anything that involves any effort seems like a gargantuan mission and I will put it off as much as I can by convincing myself it's not important, or that it can be done another time. I have an overwhelming urge to run far away from everything and everyone, which exists in my mind with a feeling just as strong that doesn't want to and knows I cannot anyway.
As expected, I feel like I've waffled on for too long, and not actually conveyed anything of any value or importance, significance or interest. I have, several times felt the desire to click the 'Back' button, turn off the LapTop and carry on pushing this all to the side and pretending to others and myself that everything is ok, but this time, I am determined to get this out there and to start/carry on actually properly accepting this, and while I don't want to change me, I realise that I need to change something, because I can't go on like this, it's a downward spiral which will do no good for anyone in the long run. I don't want to change; I don't want to change to the point where the concept of a work getogether on a Friday night is even remotely tempting, but I want to feel happier. Surely I can be both.
