Eustace

Hello trekster, I'm sorry to hear it was stressful, but am glad you had fun at the pub afterwards. My appointment on Tuesday was also stressful, but alas, I'm diagnosed now, my difference finally has a name. Eustace.

Hello Mihaela, " Nearly everyone I know uses mobiles almost incessantly," Indeed they seem to, isn't it simply dreadful. If I am to gaze out of my window and down to the street, I think ninety percent of the people with be on their phones. Actually, I'm going to experiment. Methodology is as follows: five minutes of observation, counting only people whom are in the laundrette and walking. Results: 13 people with phones out, 4 without. Interestingly, there was a group of three young women, all pushing prams, two of them pushing with their phones out. To me, the latter is horrendous. "Sometimes I don't even answer it in English" What a brilliant idea! I believe I did once think of doing that a long time ago, but never actually did so. From now on, I think I might do that. Brilliant! Your writing also sounds interesting, after I finish all the books I'm working through at the moment, I'd love to buy or read some of your works. "I dwell on such dark/grey themes as..." I knew I was right in understanding you as highly knowledgeable. Although I have a fascination towards Philosophy and other motivations, I have not yet found a means by which I can achieve my desired method of study. What I intend to suggest is that I struggle to remain transfixed on on topic for longer than a day or two. I always intensely study something that interests me, but always slip out of it soon after, yet still wish to continue. It's peculiar I know, but I think the new year and my reformation is going to be a complete re-evaluation of my life. Sure, respond when you can. "Now back to earth..." that whole paragraph is captivating indeed, written by one I see has a deep connection with language. And the ending quote, fantastic. Wallcreepers, yes, I would love to see one too. Their form is so amazing, especially their wings when spread. I believed that they never (or hardly ever) visit the UK. Sorry for the short reply, I'm a bit struck for time this morning (or afternoon), I have a lot of tasks to attend to. Eustace.

Hello Mihaela, Yes it is indeed incredible, I like his essence too. Indeed, I do believe the subconscious holds a great power over individual change, especially considering the changes I have gone through. If I look back at who I was ten years ago, I'm wholly different, but never did I acknowledge myself changing, which is beneficial, for if I knew, I would become highly uncomfortable. Other factors, such as the olive theory? Eustace.

Sorry for another post, but if you wanted the whole documentary (45 minutes long), here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiBeLoB6CKE All the best. Eustace.

Indeed he did. I believe my friend sent me a video after I had read about it somewhere. I'll see if I cant find the link. Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeFRkAYb1uk. It's somewhat incredible. Eustace.

Hello Waterboatman, In honesty, I cannot say in reality I have ever advanced my being into that of another, and bypassing all sexual puns, not even during intercourse did I ever feel anything synonymous; that is only carnal desire that arises a couple times a months. I don't miss it. Nevertheless, I believe I understand what you mean, or at least can grasp the concept you state. In my fantasies (thought tangents I get all the time that normally progress into fictional works) I have encountered similar things, most recently, I had a - I reiterate, fictional - character commit (not technically) suicide in a New Forest river, and during himself he felt himself become it. I believe this is what you intend to suggest? "Once something becomes hard wired in the base brain, it is part of self." Yes, I understand this. "so self looks where do I extend to now?" I believe an example of this is when one looses a certain ... ability, be it physical, or any of the senses. Usually the being makes up for the lacking sense by improving the ability of all other, or certain senses that are remaining. A fascinating example is the boy from America, whom had to have his eyes removed at birth, and he led on to develop sight through a combination of creating "clicks" with his tongue, hearing where the sound echoes, and mentally plotting the locations of things. I've heard this "opposites attract" statement also, I suppose we shall see in good time? Thank you for the reply, Eustace.

Hello Mihaela, Yes, I don't own a mobile phone, nor have any sort of social media outlets. My mother is insistent on buying me a cheap mobile for Christmas simply so she knows she can contact me if need be; even this is unsettling for me even though I see the logic. I don't like answering doors or the phone either. I would agree with your sentiment about breakdowns, that is, they are a prolonged state of both depression and despair. My writing closely follows these main conceptual elements: Subjective journeys, Abstraction of Experience, Anxiety depression and despair, and surrealism. I have pages above my laptop on the wall that display all elements of my writing, but as far as the concepts go, these are focal. I find a fascination in perception and experience - especially so when these things are dark and dismal. Ah yes, the letter. (Apologies for the length, can you believe this was written intoxicated?) Here it is: "This message can be construed as it will but it needs to be. Everything is a fact of matter, in simple terms; protons, neurons, and electrons, but I perceive it all by means of unorthodox equation. I do not understand the simplicity of nature any more, for there is more to all I acknowledge than what there was at first thought. This illusion of “reality” which is forced upon us all is horrid and I cannot deal with this false realism any more. Sat here in my room everything I portray to you is code; a simple means of communication, yet even this invokes within me a certain level of introspective torment, for the spectrum of communication allows only the most basic, the most primitive method of sharing one’s feelings and thoughts – even in its most advanced form. What I attempt to portray here, and what you shall understand will be two entirely different things, and this is outside of anybodies control. It’s the dilemma of the mind, and no matter how many words man can conceive to “accurately” express himself, the mind will always stay one step ahead, keeping man frustrated and anxious by casting its shroud of the unknown; the un-interpretable. Everything I am writing now is false; an understanding of what is true and real to me and me alone. I can distinguish that you yourself will differentiate its meaning, but through no fault of your own - but what is; need be. What I understand of the entirety of everything is wrong, not physically or mentally, but in a way that gives me the sense that all is unjust; a cause for upset and resentment. This could purely be all psychological and caused from chemical imbalance in my physical brain, it could not, but that element will not affect the outcome; the problem in need of solution - I'm struggling to find answers to everything I crave, and what is it I crave? To simply live, and to live simply." Oh Bluethroats! I also know so much about them, and so wish to see one! Or many! I really need to go to Russia, I even know a little Russian! The thousands of Pink-Footed Geese I saw was fantastic, and the sound glorious indeed. I find it funny that you heard but didn't see the Golden Oreoles, purely because their colouring is highly conspicuous, but from my understanding, they are in the thrush family, thus can be quite shy? Bee-eaters are lovely looking birds indeed, and so too are hoopoes. I'd love to see both. Thanks for the reply, Eustace.

Greetings all whom replied, I feel as though I cannot reply to Shnoing's and Laddo's replies. Waterboatman, I'm not entirely sure how to respond to your replies. They make sense, but the wording of them is making it hard for me to reply. Yet, I do understand about answering in an ulterior language, mine is usually computers too, occassionally musical forms, but mainly Philosophical metaphors. Thank you for the replies, Eustace.

Hello Mihaela, I am going to cure these final two addictions of mine, and am taking steps in order to help myself. I intend to do it myself purely because I am a very strong-willed person, and because I have such a strong dislike towards these things, I think I'm three quarters of the way to achieving my goal. The smoking is not secretive at all; both my parents smoke tremendous amounts so hearing them cough all day and night only helps in my want to stop. The gaming however is something I try to hide, and your words relating to how this is due to guilt make entire sense. Perhaps I'll talk to my mother about it, to get it out in the open. I suppose out of all games, chess would be healthy? I love chess ever so much. How to you measure how ... absorbent your brain is at soaking up knowledge? I'd very much like to judge my own. I'm okay with money actually, very cautious and my management is generally very good, yet, I really struggle with my routine, but this is due to many factors. I have published one thing on the UK foreign commonwealth office, which is also on many other websites, which is pretty nice. Yes, I am a slave to games... but no more. I'm done! But if one asks for a game of chess... yes sir or madame. I intend to bring up better coping strategies with the professionals I see, but my counsellor is one who specializes in mindfulness, and although I can see the obvious benefits and means to go about achieving what it is mindfulness attempts to achieve, I find it tremendously difficult to do so. Calming thoughts and trying to control my hypersensitivity seems impossible at this present time. Perhaps soon I'll be able, yet for the meantime I shall keep trying. Eustace.

Hello Mihaela, Yes, the subconscious seems to enjoy scaring you sometimes; endless possibilities and the human inability to disprove certain ... myths culminates to create a scary environment sometimes. I could talk about lucid dreaming for hours on end, but I shan't. But it's interesting that you say it comes naturally to you, how often do you dream lucidly? Indeed, I have searched extensively on the subject and have never encountered any information regarding dreams and their relation to the individual's essence. My dreams are occasionally pleasant, yet they mainly consist of highly surreal situations. I keep a dream journal and have numerous documents of such dreams, and bask in the attempt to decipher any meanings. I only meant by "pestering" that I like talking to people whom hold a high intelligence and knowledge base; communication to me is difficult, thus, when I do it, I do it for purely selfish means - to learn what I can. Is that not the object of language? It's hard to follow that ideal though, because when I must communicate with "normal" people, the things they talk about make me ever so angry and frustrated... I'm actually working on a series at the moment which details this as a sub-topic. If you would be interested in reading what I have done so far on it, honestly, I would be honoured... ever so honoured. Of course, I understand it's heavy reading, and each individual has commitments, thus, if you feel this would be inappropriate, I will wholly understand. Interesting, I have never consciously gauged my cognitive activity throughout the day, perhaps I shall have to do so. I would say it remains level throughout the day, yet on occasion, in bed my thoughts are so forceful and erratic I fail to sleep, which in turn ruins my routine for the next day. Ah yes, Bitters are the definition of secretive; inconspicuous little indeed. I wish I saw one in Norfolk, but alas, I shall have to try again sometime. Saw a Water Rail however, which too are somewhat shy. Thank you, Eustace.

Hello Mihaela, Well, in terms of severity, that is, a factor that overrides other aspects within my life, if I can class certain things of mine as obsessive, I would say that the compulsions come and go, but when they are apparent they come with enough force to stop me doing that which I intended to that day. Would you say obsessions are somewhat comparable to addiction in the traditional sense? What I intend to suggest is that, I find the obsessive thoughts I have very similar to the cigarette cravings I have, which build up more and more until I simply must give in. I completely understand the point you make about creating a works that is without imperfection, but I don't really worry about criticism, for the latter is just opinion, and due to the profound variations of Homo-Sapiens, there shall always be disagreement; what I wish to achieve each time I create a works, is perfection regarding my own perception. Oh yes, isn't it just dreadful to read any published work that is just so ... bleak, riddled with mistakes, or wholly fallible! It seems we share a liking for paradox. I have recently begun studying "chaos", and see myself falling dramatically into it ... fractal patterns and all. Thank you, Eustace.

Greetings, Yes, it's very interesting, that a connection is made between consciousness and delusion, yet still there remains a power. I have not been tested for OCD, do you think it would be worthwhile to do so? Nevertheless, I shall definitely bring it up in my appointment on Tuesday. I would not say it's something that severely affects me, it's more a state of mind that sometimes gets in the way of things. So too am I a perfectionist, and regarding my writing, well, yes, that gets supremely frustrating indeed; especially when combined with my intelligence, what I wish to write sometimes is too paradoxical to even begin transcribing on to paper. For instance, an idea - just an idea at that - I had recently for a works, was a world wherein there is no language; no accurate nor concise means of expression ... now, to write that, 'twould mean contradicting the whole thing ... I understand 'twould be possible being written by a narrator, or detached third-person, but these means of portray I severely dislike. My own method of writing, well, personally I class it as my own genre, but yes, it must be done entirely in first-person present tense, now, to create that idea, in the first person, through inner monologue, when there is no language in the fictional world ... impossible. Sorry about that. Eustace.

Greetings, I'm due for my final NHS appointment on Tuesday, and shall bring this up with them if things don't get too insane, yet, I feel I want to ask this here, with people I can trust. Since I was but a boy I have played games; it's a time and place wherein I can be alone, and a means by which I can cease the thoughts that cause me undue stress throughout the day. However, recently, I'm really struggling to stop. I have become a man who seeks knowledge and I aspire to write books - this an aspiration I seek and crave dearly. Yet, I find myself being literally pulled into games all the time, and if I ever do something, I do it fully or not at all; it's a case of, if I want to do something, it's that and absolutely nothing else. Because of this, I can spend entire days on games. I absolutely hate games now ... no, I hate my NEED to play games. I understand this is natural for one who is under high amounts of stress, that is, a need for repose, but, I need an alternative, a means by which I can cease this addiction. I too smoke a lot, mainly in public and after stressful events because it is the best means to calm down. What I want to ask is how I can cease these final addictions. In my head, these final addictions are to be quelled on January 1st 2015 ... that's just when it has to be done. I really need to stop the addictions, and the way things work with me is precisely that way ... on blocks of pattern. Am I placing too much pressure on myself? And should I continue just while my diagnosis is finishing and I enter my and the new era as it were? Thank you for reading, it warms me to know people do. Eustace.

Greetings Laddo, It's a pleasure to meet you. I cannot say I know it to be a common occurrence, but it definitely seems probable - I only say I cannot know because I don't really have any friends and secondly because I don't know one other person with Aspergers. Relying on my own experiences however, my two major meltdowns as it were happened at the ages of sixteen and twenty one, and I'm twenty two now, but feel so close to the edge of the cliff at all times. I have not personally had any shocking negativity thrown my way throughout my life; a bit of secondary school bullying (nothing major though, just boys asserting their dominance) and various comments made about my oddness and peculiarities. Yet, like you it seems, I have delusions and paranoias on occasion, but I'm fully aware of their absurd and irrational nature. Some examples of these are: when walking down a street, I believe every person in every car is looking at me, and that people are all gazing at me from all windows in houses, I also uninstall and block my laptop microphone and webcam because of delusions of privacy and spying, and sometimes I even think my parents have cameras dotted around the house that are looking at me and watching me. These latter delusion happens on occasion, but like all other of these, I know in full consciousness that these things are wholly ridiculous, but I cannot say they don't affect me - especially the car and windows one. Bypassing my horrendous sensory struggles, the second most thing I struggle with is my - I guess - obsessive and invasive thoughts. For instance, I'm a vegetarian (vegan bar milk and cheese) and must make absolute certain that when I'm cooking, nothing has touched meat. If mother offers me some vegetables, potatoes or something, I always say 'yes', but then see them in the pan where meat has been, and am instantly abhorred. But the same goes for many things: hand washing, room tidiness, and perfection are but a few to list. I wonder if you and any others struggle with these things? Like I say, a pleasure typing with you. Eustace.

Greetings matzoball, Thank you for clearing that up for me, and I'm thankful for the information. If ever subject matter such as that we discuss arises in any of my topics, I shall be sure to do as you say. Thank you, Eustace.

Greetings Mihaela, (I think I have your name implanted now) I too sometimes like to fall asleep with a light on, yet, this mainly happens if I awaken in the night due to nature's call, or if I wake myself up from a dream that seemingly runs outside of my control. After midnight, there comes about a sinister feeling; something I can't quite understand, and seemingly something beyond what I understand of human safety instinct. Thank you for your information; it seems you are rapidly becoming a staple of information for me. I too experience the hypnagogic imagery, not every night, but most, and have learned to lucid dream whenever I have the time, energy and patience to do so. In dreams, it seems that realm as it were is the only one wherein I can feel and understand feelings and sensations I never do in reality. The hold of another human is not abhorrent not threatening, it's comforting, the spoken word is not hard to understand nor dissonant, it's enlightening - it's as if dreams are my subconscious providing me what I understand I would like reality to be like. Sorry about my grammar today, I have just awoken from an eleven hour sleep, you see, in Norfolk, in a strange place, in a home that is not my own, and with people I don't know, insomnia grasped my core for five days ... I needed to catch up. I wholeheartedly agree with your entire paragraph about language, and it seems you hold a vast level of knowledge on the subject. I fear I may begin to pester you, for knowledge is the thing I crave most in this world, if you don't want that to happen, tell me; I'll understand, I have learned that's something I have to accept on occasion. Your third paragraph is profoundly insightful, and I too experience thoughts that simply cannot be communicated before their dissipation. I like to describe my mind using a generally accepted metaphor - I do not have a train of thought, I have many, and whereas one can lose a train of thought, my mind is more comparable to Waterloo Station. "an intrusive thought that surfaced unbidden and already reasoned from your subconscious - but in advance of your conscious reasoning" A fascinating sentiment! Taking this and what I listed about my lack of sleep during that time, this seems entirely applicable. When fatigued, I continue on as I would, but things become very ... numbed, dull and blunt, thus, perhaps the lacking of mental acuity I have in times of peak performance caused a ponderous response to a certain ... abstract thought. Fascinating! Thank you so very much, I think I will be reading more from this site in the mornings, I feel wholly awake now. I can't way I know what an ADOS test is, I shall just look it up. I wonder if perhaps I will have to do one of these, I suppose I shall in time. Stress can creep up like a Lynx in tall grass - or perhaps, a rarefied simile for us ... a Bittern in a reedbed - and so too can stress culminate in any number of ways. It's a dreadful thing, but an unfortunate necessity; a precipitation not of matter, but of response and variety. Thank you, Eustace.

Greetings Mihaela, For some reason I find your name hard to implant into spelling-memory, I'll get there. Thank you for the information about how you don't mind reading long or short entries. Again, I thank you highly for the information on text formats, and shall use georgia font from now on. You're very helpful. Eustace.

Greetings trekster, Thank you for replying. I'm unsure about conversing in topics such as self-harm and suicide, is there a rule that you don't ask for information about it from people who have tried? I think I recall this being said somewhere along the line, all I know is that if I was asked about it, I would be okay to talk about it. I only say this because I would ask you and other people about certain things, but I'm not sure if it's classed as a "sensitive subject". Thank you for the information about long topics, and will be sure to note this in the future. I hope you don't get any panic attacks on Tuesday, and hope the session is helpful for you. Eustace.

Greetings, I feel a need to pose a question towards people similar to myself, but I fear it may be hard to express. Actually, now I'm typing this, there are two questions I need to ask, but I shall start with the original. 1: When you are laying in bed, turn the light out and are waiting for sleep to clasp your consciousness, do you ever get a very peculiar sensation comparable to what seems to be shrinking and expanding simultaneously? Hmm. I'm finding this hard to type. Okay. In my experiences, one must be in a perfectly dark room with not one dot of light around. When your eyes are closed and thoughts start to drift as you enter the hypnagogic stage, it feels to me as if my legs stretch an infinite distance away from my head, and also, if I try to imagine some kind of mental image, object, or environment, the image is but a pinprick; a minuscule existence profoundly far away but ... there. All of my thoughts are visual, but when I experience this, it takes a tremendous effort to ... "see" them, but they are there. All of this happens entirely consciously, for I understand I'm in bed and that I am alive, and mentally healthy ect. I have studied dreaming and the physicality of sleep stages in detail, and have come so far as to acknowledge that when I encounter this, I have not entered the first stage of dreaming, thus, am fully conscious. I just wonder if any other people have encountered this also? 2: The second question I wish to ask you, is whether anyone on occasion finds it simply impossible to translate what they are thinking into words. I was asked in a car journey home recently why I was smiling ludicrously, and I could ... not at all or in any way ... tell my mother why. After thirty minutes of thought, I managed to say these words: 'Gods, religion affecting level of wellness, do Gods get ill if not worshipped?' But during those thirty minutes, I stood on the opposing grounds of my own viewpoint - this something I do if I struggle to understand somebody else or some aspect of opinion, - and managed to ask what I believe to be some important questions. I asked myself the following questions: 'What language does one speak? One's native language. Then, what language are your thoughts? English. Then, what were the thoughts you were just smiling at? Untranslatable. Then, what language were they? Something between image and sensation. Then, describe them? Indescribable. Why? There is no method I hold to transcribe them.' Does anybody else have these kind of thoughts?

Greetings Michelle, I'm willing to offer words that may benefit you if need be. Eustace.

Greetings, I'm new here, and from what I have read, most posts tend to be very short and concise, which has led me to wonder as to whether there is a decorum here wherein posts must be under a certain length. Is this the case? I would love to gain that knowledge, because I wish to both help and get help here, so, must know if there are rules I have not read about. Also, I learned recently that people with Dyslexia struggle to read certain text formats, I believe one is serif sans, and me being who I am, I wish not to ostracise anybody, so, if anyone knows about the usage of an appropriate text, I would love to hear about this too. Thank you for your time. Eustace.

Greetings Mihaela, thank you for replying. It's indeed interesting why the panic attacks began relatively recently, but having thought about them somewhat, I think I understand as to why this is. I believe there may be a correlation between my bouts of depression and the attacks; not in nature, but in the attacks' nascent. You see, my depression comes in bouts (like I said before), and these come about after certain events in my life that cause me undue amounts of stress or mental fatigue, i.e. extended social occasions, frequent outings, or working myself too hard. So too do I believe the attacks are caused similarly, that is, an instantaneous physical response to some unwelcome environment or situation. Generally, triggers for the attacks are large crowds of people - this the main cause, - unforeseen changes outside of my control; something such as people coming to the house without warning or a change to my timetable, or things I define as "abstract"; that is, invasive thoughts that force into my head*, sensations that arise which I still have yet to understand, or other things that seem vague yet hold power over me. * - my most recent example of a forceful thought was when I was in the car driving to London, and this thought came into my head: 'If mother was to have a heart attack whilst driving, I would have to grip the wheel, put the hazard lights on, take her foot off the accelerator, open my window, wave to cars as to warn them, and steer the car to the hard-shoulder'. This thought, and thoughts such as these, cause instant panic attacks, but luckily, I'm somewhat informed as to how to calm myself if one arises. Well, I think my first existential crisis happened when I was sixteen, and then I attempted suicide - which ended up with me vomiting every twenty minutes for three days ... bad times indeed. I don't particularly wish to visit that yet but I do intend to. My second came when I arrived home from voluntary work abroad, and although I place a lot of blame upon alcohol, I do think it was just a catalyst. I experienced a horrendous depression, became entirely numb to external, internal, and emotional stimuli, and found myself transfixed upon all darker aspects of reality. I sent a message to an old companion of mine and still have the message, and could upload it here if asked. Somehow, I ended up self-harming for the first time, but even now, this seems so ... I don't know the correct word, perhaps absurd? It did not seem like me who chose that as a response, it seems to be some force outside of my own - an automatic response decided by a most basic, carnal or primal intelligence. If you wish to know more, I'm sure I could reveal more. In three days, I will find out if that is indeed the case. Yes, I'm back from Norfolk. "Unusual" I understand varies according to the individual in question; a native Briton new to bird-watching may find a wren unusual, whereas to an avid watcher, a bluethroat may be so, then again, to a foreign avid watcher, a Robin may be a visual delicacy. Therefore, I will list which birds I am grateful for having seen. The birds I'm happy to have seen are: Reed Buntings, Little Egrets, Great White Egrets, a Water Rail, Marsh Harriers (5 at one time! What a treat!), thousands of Pink-Footed Geese!, Barn owls, a Little Owl, Goldeneyes, Grey Partridges, Greenfinches, Linnets, Pintails, Shovellers, Snow Buntings, Mediterranean Gulls, Golden Plovers, Grey Plovers, Greylag Geese, Whooper Swans, Kestrels, Pochards (hundreds of them), Black-Tailed Godwits, and Greenshank. (I apologize for any mispronounced or ill-written pluralizations there - I'm still lacking in that respect of birds) At the last place we went however, aparrently we missed a sighting of a black-winged stilt, and I would have loved to see that, mainly because they look to me like something from a Lewis Carroll Novel, but alas, another time. Would loved to have seen at least one of each of these: Redwing, Waxwing, and Fieldfares, but another time perhaps. Overall, 'twas a great voyage, but five days away from home and with people I don't know has lead to me craving a hermitization... Do you have a favourite bird? Out of all I've seen, I'd have to split it into two; aesthetically 'twould have to be Goldfinches, and melodically 'twould have to be Song Thrush. You can do the same split if you like. The bird I would like most to see is a Bluethroat, which would mean I shall have to venture back to Norfolk come summer, this because they only migrate thus far into the UK to breed, and this is only during the summer months. They're beautiful, and from my knowledge, there isn't anything quite like them. P.S. I see you have posted quite a lot on this website, therefore I would like to ask a question. Are longer entries, like my first post on this page, too long for most people? Are shorter posts easier for the majority to read?

Hello, This is but a short simply to reply and acknowledge your reply. I'm off to Norfolk for three days to watch birds, which is ironic I think, considering the "Norfolk Broads" thing below my name, yet, I just wish to say I am going to reply, but shall have to do so upon my return. Thank you for the reply, and hope you are okay. Eustace

Hello UnusualPatronas, Interesting take on the phenomenon, I'd never even considered it from the viewpoint of "neurotypicals". So too is it interesting to imagine it's used to express some kind of intelligence. Would that not contradict itself entirely, that is, "common sense" being known by all requires a shared level of intelligence, thus there is no means by which to determine a higher level over another? Interesting idea indeed. Personally, I cannot believe this could possibly be the case, purely because I cannot imagine one would class themselves as more intelligent for having a greater common sense as it were ... that seems absurd. However, what I can completely understand is how some (I changed the last word from "most") people wish to bypass their means of justification, or perhaps their modes of thought. My mother is a good example of this; past 6pm in the evening, after the wine is out, a lot of questions I ask her result in the answer "It just is" or something similar. Upon further questioning; attempts to drag the methodology out, at the means of her attaining certain answers - seemingly following no logical route, and based upon foundations of nothingness. The perfect statement to me consists of a landscape, foundations planted within the landscape, and varying levels of structure, which lead towards a definable - and infallible (for the time being) - source of information, which allow me to consciously justify, understand and penultimately accept said source. Without this construction of logic and rationality, I become very uneasy and sometimes angry towards the construction under scrutiny. For the sake of argument, allow us a symbolic interpretation. For a building to stand the test of time with strength and prowess, the land upon which it stands must too be reliable; no marshland nor floodplain will suffice, no, a reliable plot must consist of layers upon layers of condensed earth that can stand immense pressure. So then, placing foundations into this earth, one must allow themselves an adequate level of thought in order to ascertain just how structurally secure they need to be, for one can place a building upon the strongest of earth, yet if the foundations are weak, the building could not defend against the weakest of breezes. It becomes apparent at this time to the aware individual how both the land and the foundations are as equally important as one another, yet, it is the next component of the structure that defines and authorises the reason and means for construction. The building is created for a reason; a means for being, and the reason is this - to exist as an edifice; a physical interpretation of ambition. I am adding to many elements to the symbology now, but what I intend to state is that the building upon which the eye can observe contains matter one can take in as a means of information; data one can de-construct for their own purpose. When a statement is made wherein their exists a peak; an achievement comparable to a flag gently flapping in a breeze atop an edifice, yet their stands no foundation nor building, I see the achievement as non-existent and completely impossible, for matter with weight cannot exist in an atmosphere influenced by gravity. A statement without foundation and structure to me, agitates me tremendously, for that then is just as trivial as starting a conversation with an observation upon the weather.

Greetings, As I stated in my first post, my name is not Eustace, but I'm fond of anonymity. I have decided to join a website such as this for my own gain, that is, to share with others in the hope of understanding things to a greater extent. I understand a little background information about me is required to progress, or, I suppose, it's decorum for a site such as this. Therefore, this topic shall hopefully give those who wish to know about my situation, that which they desire. I am twenty two years old, and have lived up until May this year what could be considered a normal lifestyle. Bypassing what's probably in, or near to, thousands of experiences, since middle school I have not felt - for use of a better word - right; as if pacing a muddy path through dense woodland, screened by a thick fog severely restricting view, and without a means to acknowledge location and sense of direction. The latter is but a fragment of the nebulousness of my issue, and simply defines a world I cannot comprehend in its entirety, but for twenty two years as I say, I managed to survive and function ... semi-normally. Last March I went away on some voluntary work and came back in June, yet while away I experienced five panic attacks, which at the time, I justified with the reasoning 'I'm far from home and have a lot of work to do' - an entirely logical and rational response indeed. The problems that prompted me to change things began upon my arrival home. Panic attacks started happening frequently when going about my daily business, leading me to question my mentality as separate from my situation. I started drinking with my friend again, and on one night, in a taxi home with my friend, I encountered another (I had had many before this point) what I suppose could be closest described as an existential crisis. I ended up self-harming that night for the first time, but had once before at the age of sixteen attempted suicide. Both of these occasions I regret, I fail to see how I could not regret them, but would not go so far as to say I would not go back and stop myself doing them - they revealed to me, there is no reason to live in and of itself; justification for something such lies in the individual ideal. I digress, but these things all accumulated to the acknowledgement that I am not ... well, thus must do something about it. I went to the doctors. I went purely for the sake of my panic attacks, and was questioned as to various things, such as self-harm and suicide attempts, and the result of the appointment was to begin a course of CBT sessions. Talking with the counsellor about my depression, anxiety, consciously acknowledged delusions on occasion, it became clear I am indeed not very well, but so to did something else arise - an interest towards finding out precisely what is wrong. I have always been inclined towards needing to know rather than wanting to, and during research of hundreds upon hundreds of possibilities, there was but one that I entirely fitted into each and every category of criteria, Aspergers Syndrome. Bringing it up with the counsellor in the next session, she told me she had an inclination that was a possibility, but has no real expertise in that field, but recommended I go back to the doctor. I did so, and worked through the interrogation of various questionnaires, to the result that I scored almost top marks, that is, an indication that I was highly likely to have the condition. I have been through seventeen, hour long CBT sessions now, been through two out of three NHS sessions, one being the induction to see if I was indeed applicable, the second being a comprehensive background information session, and the final I believe to be the ultimatum as it were. The latter session is on the ninth of December, and I'm simultaneously eager and apprehensive to attend; I'm to learn what is or isn't the case and the next steps. All information gifted me to thus far has revealed an almost definite indication that I'm highly Aspergic(? Is there an adjective?), thus, for more information for you gentlemen and gentlewomen, I shall detail the things that lead me to believe this is indeed the case, listed under two headings - these being external indications and internal indications. External indications symbolize the aspects of my condition that affect me, yet are outside of my control. Firstly, you; people that exist as beings as separate from my own existence. Now, for twenty two years, I have been able to manage people, but no longer can I do so. In high school (En Anglais, "secondary school" but my school was named "BLANK BLANK High School"), I struggled tremendously with socializing; never did I venture out with friends after school, I was always to tired and needed to regenerate. I believe this to be the cause for my symptoms reminiscent of Anemia; I would go to school, come home, sleep, wake up, go to school, that was the cycle. Never could/can I deal with people for more than a few hours at a time; it wears me down like a strong wind against an exposed cliff edge. I became highly addicted to gaming, which holds true considering a statement I heard once, "games are for those who cannot achieve in real life, thus make up for it in fantasy, or fiction". I still struggle with that addiction, but am well on my way to defeating it. I now aspire to be an author, and have been told by various friends, family, general people and professionals that I'm a genius in that respect, yet still, I require a mindset to write, and that mindset is elusive and fey in nature; something I still have yet to fully comprehend - it stands somewhere between consciousness and sub-consciousness; I'm not Eustace when I write. Many times I read over my works with awe, 'Where was I when writing this?' a question I ponder regularly. Again, I fall upon tangent. Indeed, I struggle with people, with social decorum, with conceited meanings within speech, body language and facial expression, but have studied at length about sarcasm. The latter is something I wish to share with this site in the hopes that my ability to write will enlighten a few towards understand what I do of sarcasm. Eye-contact; the bane of social encounters. What a horrendous sensation arises from a moment of optical recognition, it's as if some aggressive half-being strums the optical chord between eye and brain as if it's an instrument. Thoughts that normally exist within the confines of my skull, organized and filed with precision, scatter in all direction and with such velocity - this from but a moment of pupils meeting. I cannot begin to solve this issue of mine, I have no rational way in order to fix this, if anyone has any advice, I plead for you knowledge. Yes, internal indications. These symbolize things relating to the Aspergers criteria that exist within myself, and can be controlled - some to greater degrees than others. For instance, perception play a role. Since I was a child, my senses have been very sensitive indeed; labels were ripped out of all clothing, sounds are mostly coarse and dissonant, and smells are generally putrid, overpowering and offensive, however, in listing these things I lack enlightening the beneficial aspects of my hypersensitivity. As a child I owned a white rabbit toy made of cotton and with a silk string (in fact, I owned many throughout my youth, it's just mother never told me until later how many I would lose and she would have to restock), and oh how I loved the feel of that silk string upon what I believe is called the columella part of my nose, and how tremendously this would calm me down. That is the earliest memory of my sensory delight, but other such things are, for instance, during school I used to rest one ear against the table top and listen to the scratching of pens and pencils - this most definitely the cause for my lack of work and falling asleep in lessons, and my most recent delight is lifting the fur at the back of my cats' necks and smelling there. I feel the balance between positive and negative sensitivities is generally equal, this can shift rapidly and with force however - it takes but a brush of an arm by another, a motorbike to race past, or any perfume/aftershave to cause me severe distress, resulting in the need to either shutdown for a while, restart myself, or blast out for a while. I have a prodigious amount of things more to say, but I fear for an introductory post, this may turn more away than towards. If this is the case, then, well, I don't really know what to do, but I'm here, so, I suppose I will just talk to other people. Hopefully. Thank you. Eustace.