As the title states I am in a new relationship (around the 6 months mark now) and think I am with someone who suffers from Asperger’s. He is 56 and runs his own business in the animal care industry.
I started working for him around 8 months ago and we got together 2 months after.
There is a strain causing us problems which I will get to…
I’m just wanting to know if a) he is an aspie and how do I deal with it to make the relationship work?!
He is not diagnosed but shows the following traits:
- When something bad happens he withdraws really bad. He blames himself for anything that goes wrong and goes on a sort of ‘guilt’ trip.
- If everything is going right or something good happens then he wont leave me alone, constant text messages, asking me to stay etc…However when he’s down or something bad happens he doesn’t want to know that I am there for him
- He gets obsessed by things. He’s obsessed with dogs n cats and so much so created a sanctuary for them (nothing wrong with that but he gets worried if one of the dogs or cats coughs once – I’m talking emergency vets the lot. We also had a rat problem and instead of getting rid of them he was feeding them fruit….yes feeding the rats). When he gets obsessed it becomes his life and all he can talk about.
- If I hurt myself he will hurt me even more sometimes. I donated blood and was showing him my arm where I gave blood, it started to swell a little and all I said was ‘feel the swelling!’. He responded by harshly pushing down on the swelling and when I yelped he just looked at me with a smerk. I was also bitten by a dog on my arm, although he was attentive in making sure I was ok the day after he grabbed my arm till I shouted at him to stop. No emotion on his face and no apology.
- Can’t get him to leave his home/workplace. He lives where he works and I have mentioned time and time again for us to get out and do something as a couple. The job is very demanding and tiring but he always makes an excuse to not leave. Now I’ve seen pictures of him doing something work related outside of his home/workplace but this was around 6 years ago so maybe he’s got worse in not wanting to break his routine as he’s got older?
- If his routine is broken or something alters it then he breaks down. For example someone he works for him wanted time off during Christmas, he responded by shouting, getting upset, throwing his phone across the building and slamming the door shut behind him. An hour after he composed himself he acted like nothing happened.
- Snaps in the most unusual situations. He was tired and attempting to put something in oven. He dropped a roll of tin foil and as a result he ripped the tin foil into a million one pieces and acted like he did nothing wrong.
- Can’t eat anything different – nor can I cook for him. I feel this goes in the OCD category but when I stay we eat the same thing, literally. If I buy us something different to try he moans and we have to go the same takeaway and order the same meal we always have from there. If the order is wrong then he gets very agitated. I’ve offered every week to cook us something but he won’t allow it.
- overheats during sex. He doesn’t just get a bit warm he sweats and feels as if he’s about boil alive!!! When I’ve googled I’ve heard It’s an aspie trait.
It may only be 6 months but I am absolutely in love with this guy, he’s great to be around and I love to listen to his obsessions and way of thinking.
However over the last month we’ve found out his parent is sadly on the decline and looking like his parent will pass away. I’ve never lost a parent so I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through.
I’ve noticed he’s started to withdraw from the relationship and when he’s really down I’ll find him asleep on the kitchen table, when I ask him to come to bed he calls me a nag and tells me to leave him alone. When he eventually goes to bed it’s as if I’m not there.
We still make love (although on the days something bad has happened I’m just another work colleague and I have to force a kiss out him) and talk but I feel he really couldn’t care less if I am there when work finishes or not as before he would love me to stay and made a point of coming to find me…even just for a kiss!
I want to be there for him but not come across as a nag which I am being to him. What is the best way to deal with someone who has Aspergers? I feel at times we are so close but yet far away and when I try and get us close it’s like I’m being too needy.
If anyone has a husband/partner like this then how do you deal with it? Any tips or guidance would be muchly appreciated.
So sorry for the long post, I don’t want to loose this relationship just because I don’t know how to handle someone with aspergers.
Also sorry for any spelling/grammer mistakes – I’m very word blind.