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About lerek

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    Norfolk Broads
  1. Hi there, deep down I hope that nobody ever reads this, it's mostly just a bit of self therapy. About a month ago I met a girl (very stressful but exciting) and quickly developed an extremely intimate emotional and physical bond. We were both extremely attracted to each other she liked my strange personality, unique views and behaviours, deep and contemplative demeanour, I like her because she is smart independent and successful and we have great craic together, we each have 1 kid divorced, house and career and in a lot of ways very well suited and a strong physical attraction, so all good. Early on I had told her about my aspergers situation, and tried to explain the problems that it had caused me in previous relationships etc and the issues which I need to circumnavigate to function, which obviously she listened and tried to understand, but I knew that it's all good in theory however a different story when the rubber hits the road, So anyway, long story short, 5 weeks later we had hit our first speed wobble, in a nutshell I was trying to look up something on the internet which she had asked me to look up, and then she interrupted me reading to ask me a relatively pointless question on the side, I responded in an agitated way because of the overstimulation, and she freaked out, Quite fair up until this point, but I was not able to respond straight away, and removed myself from the situation and went to have a bath, while in the bath thinking and reflecting about the incident, when she came into the bathroom and asked me "are you alright?" I started to try and explain how I had been overloaded and that this was a normal kind of side-effect of the aspergers and she just rolled her eyes and huffed out the bathroom, When I went back to the bedroom she said to me "I don't believe that is because of your aspergers, because you have never spoken to me in that tone before" at which point my world crumbled, the relationship which we had been building on full trust and openness (the reason she was so attracted to me in the first place) was being thrown back in my face, and I was being accused of using self-victimisation, which is a very strong trait of my personality to not do that at any cost. (I have never claimed a benefit, asked for any special allowances, never even used a disabled bay, I even wear masks to the shop even though I could claim exemption, simply because I don't want to make other shoppers feel uncomfortable) Through the jigs and the reels, when I told her that it had hurt me she kept throwing red herrings into the argument rather than just admit, that it was an unacceptable thing to say. I totally get that my tone may have been off, and I totally get that this would upset somebody, because I have been through similar situations in every single romantic relationship in my life, and I'm totally ready to accept and admit that, but I can not apologise for who I am and how I am. When I tried to explain this she somehow thought that I was just trying to win the argument and kept raising objections, and complained that I did not apologise straight away. When I explained that itself is a very struggle for me that I need some time to process emotional situations, she thought somehow that was also me just trying to win the argument and raised more objections. After seemingly hours of circular debate she took the position that I need to "try harder to understand how something makes her feel" which really hurt me because again to me that means "try harder to not be disabled" which is impossible and would be obviously unreasonable to ask of a guy in a wheelchair, or a blind person. When I told her I could simply not do it, she called me selfish and said that I am just making everything about me. Now I have given her the ultimatum, to accept me as is or simply end the relationship., to which she does not seem to want to do either, but I am willing to give it time, but I can not go through this again as what I have been through with my ex-wife, where somebody is willing to make your life a living hell, to punish you into behaving appropriately. (which is reminiscent of my school days and childhood) (PS: spoiler alert: despite being quite smart I didn't do great at school and also surprise surprise I got bullied atrociously) I really do have a lot of feelings for her, but I'm not going to throw myself under the bus emotionally for her, I have been there done that, and it almost broke me as a person, so I have drawn my line in the sand what else can I say. We have moved on from the incident now however I don't feel that it has been truly resolved, I feel that my request to have some allowance and some time when I cant cope, has simply been viewed as me having an unfair edge in the relationship. This may be due to her own baggage from her own marriage I'm not sure yet, however it's difficult for me to scratch any deeper on the subject because she seems predisposed to fighting every point for fear of ending up on the losing edge of it. I will see how things progress I really like her, however I can not let somebody else use me as a whipping post in a relationship and a scapegoat for their own psychological issues as I have been through that with my ex-wife and it was a horrible experience. If you read this, thanks a lot, it helped me a lot.
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