JJ's mum

I have tended to be quite wordy with him in my quest to be nice like the example you gave about explaining the reasons you want him to do something. I only got one boy, the other one im talking about is my husband though in many ways they both act around the same age. I also have a 6 year old daughter who is fine, no problems with her at all. My husbands brother has dispraxia but seems very similar to husband and son. Id say whatever it is they all have the same. None of them can catch, empathise, lack social skills etc. I do intend to get loud as I usually do when I feel my kids arent getting what they deserve. I cant really afford private but I can find the money and may well go down that route once I have referral to the specialist and find out how long it takes. If its more than a couple of months then I will pay for a private diagnosis - want to make sure I have the best possible solution in place for when Jo starts in September. What age at school do peoples kids realise they are different and/or get picked on or teased? Im thinking he will be OK for reception and yr1. Yr2 in my daughters class is when the nastiness has started towards a special needs child.

Thanks for the reply, my son is Joseph but I call him Jo-Jo. I will certainly look into the books you have suggested. If Jo has Aspergers then Id say I know the answer to whether my husband has it. As for seeking help....no chance in his own eyes he is perfect it is everyone else with the problem. Ok so he may have a condition but it is a high maintenance relationship, very high maintenance and though realising he has aspergers would mean I must change some of the way I speak eg when he says "you hate me dont you" Ill refrain from saying "of course I do, thats why I married you" but even so, realistically Im not likely to get any understanding, no deep and meaningful conversation and certainly no acknowledgement that I hurt too. If he hasnt grown out of his tantrums by his age ( late 20's) will he ever? Will social services be understanding of his issues if he has a tantrum in public? I certainly am not going to get help with my son from him, all I get to hear is his problems which to be honest are blown out of all proportion. I dont want to tread on eggshells all my life. I will probably join the NAS I certainly intend to buy some of their books tommorrow. Thanks for the advice and yes I feel very welcomed on this forum, thanks everyone!

I knew he was different and people have been hinting for a few weeks/ maybe months but Ive just said he is unique. The weird thing is only a few weeks ago I was mocking honeys response to her baby in Eastenders thinking how can someone be so pathetic. Ok my reaction isnt nearly as pathetic but I wont say im not anxious for his future. I bonded with him 4 years ago so not facing any of the feelings she did but I do wonder how I will cope as a single mum when he is 10 and having tantrums. I cant exactly pick him up and drag him out then. People are already making comments about his volume especially and his behaviour.

12) never pretended an object is something else. Just pushes trains around, acts out very limited scenarios from videos etc 13) speaks like a robot 14) always looks serious and speaks seriously 15) asks at least 10 times every day what day it is today/yesterday/tommorow 16) asks if he can open the gate the second I mention we are going home ( tantrums if someone else does one of "his" jobs 17) only responds to my discipline if the behaviour was on the list of "rules" he has in his mind. If not he cannot see that stabbing the cat with a fork is wrong in fact he usually find it funny. If he does something on his list then he is saying sorry long before I find out what he has done.

I know but I should have noticed 8) when he gets hurt he doesnt run to me he runs away from me crying. 9) never ever has got upset when ive left him. Sometimes opposite, if he has planned to play something with childminder he gets upset when I arrive. ( I was happy he was so "secure") 10) throws up over food if doesnt like it esp when eating up table Excuse me everyone for adding, I might use this thread to build up a list of things, I will have lots of appointments coming up so will need a comprehensive picture. What were the early things people noticed? This is one Ive just realised... 11) never pointed and said "juice" "cat" "mum" etc

These are some of the things ive noticed about my son that dont seem to have relevance according to what Ive read 1) my son runs in a weird way ( doesnt seem to move legs or arms a lot) 2) Wipes his mouth a lot ( 5+ times a minute) 3) takes ages to eat ( eats noisily with mouth open and stuffs loads in like a hamster) 4) doesnt attempt to catch just kind of thows his arms in air 5) checks his privates are there ( various methods of doing this eg pulling trousers really high, but frequent esp when nervous) 6) if you ask where something is he will either shove it in your face or give you an accurate description eg where is the sink? reply: its on the side above the cupboard and next to the microwave and below the window. He could show me the same thing by pointing. 7) he quotes films at me totally randomly or not so randomly for example if he is upset with me he will quote magic roundabout "Creep, tell me about the diamonds" But then Id never have guessed that red ears had any significance until I read about it being assosiated with stress/tiredness/food intolerances. Im new to this so trying to identify as many relevant behaviours before assessment as poss. Any examples of other quirks around 4-5 yrs also appreciated. There are many obvious things I hadnt noticed like hand flapping when excited. I was blissfully ignorant of just how different he was until last week when I realised he hasnt moved on a great deal since he was 2. I feel bad because wonder if he hadnt have been parked with a childminder full time whether it would have been picked up earlier. Nursery noticed within 2 weeks.

Weird, since my son has been identified as probable AS ( 3 days ago) and is currently waiting for diagnosis, I have found a group of people who have kids just like mine. I thought my son was totally unique. It seems there are many more just like him runnng around with occasional bright red ears! ( evenings especially and in times of stress) I best not read on lest my bubble be burst, I really thought he was the only one like him. Still its good to know im not alone.

Yeah you are right, Ive got a lot of feelings running round at once and so many decisions rely on other decisions being made. I have to make a decision this week on whether to apply for my PGCE. Half of me thinks I should do it even if it is just to benefit Jo, but I also need to prepare myself. Im all hyped up after almost 3 years studying for my degree to train to teach. Other than the decisions that need to be made now I need to slow down. Ive hardly slept for trying to find out what I should be doing for him. Suppose its guilt really, He is the same boy as he was last week- sweet, loving, and full of character. Maybe Im meant to teach but just not for money! I just cant see him fitting in at school. He wont learn unless its something he wants to learn about, I have tried as I also did to give him some of the skills he will need for school but he hasnt a clue yet he knows all about exo-skeletons and steam trains. The LEA forms have to be in by the 18th Jan and I dont have a clue where (if anywhere) to apply for. No schools I could apply for have special units or very got special needs, most of the TA's are just parents and spend most time assisting the teacher and not the kids. The one my daughter is at, my mum is a TA. Thats too cosy for my liking plus I dont want him being seen as an "autistic" kid, which is how the TA's speak about kids, Ive met them socially.

Thanks for that Karen. I would appreciate it if someone could enlighten me as to some of the other strategies that could help. I have only really admitted to myself in the last 3 days that Jo has a problem that is not going to go away ( in fact its getting worse). Ive read lots on sites and ebooks about aspergers but they are mostly the facts. I think if I learnt any more of what son is going to have problems with Id be overwhelmed. Ive probably been reading for about 15 hours in 3 days. One positive thing is that I feel closer to my son. Ive taken a step back and I dont see him as a child who doesnt listen or who has tantrums or is just away with fairies but as a child who is genuinely different. It hasnt been such a positive experience with my husband (who is living away at mo), I feel further from him and hopeless about the relationship. If he cant help it and there is no chance of change then I cant see us staying together in all reality. I need to give all to my son now, I dont have the energy for our relationship which has always been high maintenance and also dont like his influence on the kids and the atmosphere he brings to our house when he lives here. He is talking about returning but since I found out about son I dont seem to care about husband. At the end of the day its my job to look after my kids and a job I love but I would dearly love a man one day to look after me. Im probably just being selfish. Anyway if anyone knows of any strategies that can help even if they only list the terms then I can look them up. Whats the best way to deal with obsessions? In my sons case the only time he concentrates is with the TV and computer. We arent the kind of family who are suited to this. Im pretty spontaneous and we are always out and about. How much of obsessions should you allow/use and how much should you discourage it. Also I realise that the program about the autsitic boy over Christmas was a rare case of such progress, but can animals help children learn to interact. My son adores my dog but since it was a rescue it is lead strong and too boisterous for him to get close though he seems to try hard at times. Has anyone had any experience as I have already considered another dog for when I graduate but held back as husband was planning to return to our home. I realised that I have managed without him in house for 2 1/2 years and have been pretty much a single parent for 6 years so I think its time to live for myself and the kids a bit. I feel relief at this prospect as I have been treading on eggshells for years. It came to a head when he said on phone that he needs to become more assertive in the relationship. He couldnt be more wrong, if he was any more assertive I would simply cease to exist in myself. He was down for 12 days over Christmas and when he went I felt I could live again. I was concerned yesterday after seeing the health visitor and was trying to discuss son with him but he kept going on about an argument with his friend which happened in November, I tried for an hour and couldnt get a word in edgeways. Made me realise how little we feature in his life. I yearn to have a child one day and have someone there as happy as I am that they are in this world. I feel more alone when he is there. Once again Im going on, but it helps me to write down how Im feeling as I dont have anyone who understands aspergers. The only one that does (mum) lost interest in my marriage years ago and would celebrate if I ever got a divorce. Ive not loved anyone else in 10 years, the thought of starting again is scarey. I feel like I need to for my sons sake. My husband lives with his mum now and to be honest is happy there. He feels its his duty to look after his wife and kids but never ever says he wants to come back because he loves or misses us. My son shows few signs of love either so I suspect its whatever is wrong with them. I dont expect love from my son though, i dont feel threatened that he doesnt show it. I do feel threatened by husband because even if he doesnt know what love is ( his admission) , his mum is greeted with far more fondness than I could dare hope for. I get affection from son, hugs kisses etc. I just think that anyone in his life could be replaced or removed without too much trauma as long as they did his toast in triangles.

Thanks for all the replies. It is appreciated that people are taking the time to wish me well. Ive been reading all day and watched this youtube video Made me realise that really I already know what they are going to say. Im 99% sure in my mind what is wrong with Jo, the more I read and see, the more I am convinced. He does all of that, spins in circles, awkward and strange movements) He dances awkwardly, he also taught himself to use computer(watching me, im doing computing degree so you can imagine im glued and we have 4 computers in house between 3 of us) and taught himself to type though he only types family names. He may well also has a fear of cutlery, he always preferred to finger feed, and has never got idea of eating ( another thing that is way below his age). He vomits every time he is at a table with the family eating a meal properly usually when asked to eat with knife and fork. One other thing is he is a very noisy eater ( my husband is too) and eats with mouth open and stuffs loads in like a hamster. Brother in law still does this at 19. Since the 1st Jan son has vomitted over every meal except one and that was in mcDonalds so no cutlery. My son even looks like this boy and is almost same age ( sept 02). You are probably right I need to treat him like he has aspergers, I already know in my mind, and if Im told otherwise Ill probably just keep asking to see someone else until I know what is wrong for sure. Its hard because the part that has denied anything is wrong still is looking for the signs that are not there. There arent many if any that I have found that are absent in my son. Im pretty sure it is not autism, he certainly doesnt have a speach delay, very much the opposite, he is above his age. Language wise he is competing with my 6 year old, in fact he uses words to big for me to use in every day speach! The reply to the question isnt always what was expected though. Im a bit sad and I dont really know where to turn because the friends Ive been talking to dont really get what Im talking about.

My GP said the same he told me to set more boundaries and to never let him get his own way. My son has most of his tantrums when his routine is changed they are almost never because he wants something I or someone else has said he can have. One of the problems is my daughter who is 6 thinks she is his mum and says he can have things which arent possible. I have tried to get her to stop. He also cant handle insults even if it is just to use the colour pink in a colouring ( he is a boy, boys hate pink apparently) Both my kids have boundaries. I dont think I could get much stricter without being in danger of squashing their personalities or controlling them. They need boundaries to feel secure, they need to be clear about what is expected of them. My GP was so wrong. He has boundaries, my daughter had the same boundaries, praise for good behviour and punishment for persistant bad behaviour ( they get 3 warnings unless they are doing something dangerous) My daughter at 4 was not having tantrums for changing bus route or walking along a different road to the same place. If my son were 3 days older he would be at school now. Thankfully he has missed the school year and will be almost a full year older than the youngest in class. He will start on or after his 5th birthday if he does go. He could not cope in school now, no way. At 4 my daughter was emotionally ready for school. Though he seems intelligent to speak to I would say he has the emotional and social development of a 2 year old, the only difference is his tantrums arent purely because he doesnt get his own way or doesnt know the boundaries. This is what put me off the NHS. My doctor hadnt got a clue and the health visitor took away a list of my concerns, looked aspergers up before coming back to me( though Im thankful she at least looked it up - if it were up to my GP id be going away, punishing my son more for things he cannot help and coming back to see him in a year) My health visitor needs to run referral by the GP but they will do checks and present him with their findings. Hopefully he will take her more seriously than me. Many of the private people also work for the NHS on diagnosis etc but are quicker if you pay. The way I see it is its only money. I had saved it for a car but this seems more important.

I think that is the hardest thing for me too. The fact that I hadnt even noticed just how different he really is. I was expecting him to be eccentric, my husband also is the same. The realisation that my son probably has this makes me feel incredibly guilty but at the same time relieved and in just 2 days I have made a few changes in the way I speak to him and I dont mention what Im planning to do later not even in conversation to others unless Im sure it is going to happen. This has avoided all but 1 tantrum which was caused by my daughter saying he could have a cars game he saw not realising it was for a console we dont own. So again it was due to change of plan in his mind. The realisation that I have indirectly caused most of his bad behaviour is hard because I always have made such a conscious effort to be fair in my discipline. As for the private route, I do need a diagnosis by April really. But whilst this is said, I am at univerity full time until the end of May. I have missed 6 weeks out of the last 12 due to kids illness and mine. There is a limit to how many appointments I will be able to take him to. Since the univerity is 2 hours away its not practical to pop him to the appointment then back. Every little appointment will mean a day off. It sounds as though there are lengthy waiting lists for SALT and other professionals but also some of the process will be done by health vistitors such as the initial assessment which will take place probably within 3 weeks. I dont think he will be priority as I dont think he is really severe. We can and do live a normal life. He is learning a lot while at home ( he is at nursery 1 morning) but he learns in a different way. He has no clue how to draw or write but can type and use a computer unaided. He is also excellent on our XBOX 360. On harder games he sometimes needs to be shown what to do, but he remembers everything extremely well. Please dont get offended when I say this, but I see my son as like a Robot, he puts information in the brain and retains it well. He has to be told almost everything he knows, and asks a lot of questions. He can retain a lot of information but when a question is asked he simply picks out the piece of information most relevant. If you ask him a question such as "how does that make you feel?" he doesnt know so picks out some information about when a similar thing happened to a train and he had to be repainted. He seems to think like a computer and sounds very much like a robot when he speaks. He pauses for a few seconds while he finds the information. The thing that is probably harder to take than my son, is that my husband also thinks he has it too. His brother has been diagnosed with dyspraxia but the symptoms are very similar. My husband is very similar in lots of ways to my son other than he has learnt more phrases than my son obviously. We have been seperated on and off for the whole of the 5 years. His behaviour would all make sense if he were to have this. It seemed way out of proportion but a lot of our arguments looking were started by him saying something like " you hate me, I know you hate me" Ive then replied with something sarcastic like "of course I do" his reaction then involved hospital for him on few occasion but was never pretty. It also involved the police on others and as he would never accept responsibility for his actions we have seperated. I love him but it is a very high maintenance relationship he is kind and generous and his behaviour is out of character for him especially the violence towards others. Why is this harder to take? Well because I have always though he can change. He is very self centred ( not selfish) in that he doesnt consider other people. He also doesnt show he loves me and has said he doesnt know what love is. Selfish as it sounds, I can take this from my son. He planned himself to move back soonish into my home ( ive lived alone for 2 1/2 years with kids). I was upset that I didnt get a say in the matter yet again he has just told everyone he is doing it and told him I dont want him moving back before my degree finishes at least but the reality is whilst I love him and want to be with him, I dont have any desire to live with him. There are often lots of fireworks in our home when he is there. I like my peace and am happy to see him every 2 weeks. Obviously a relationship cant go on like this forever. Does anyone have experience of what it is like to live with adult with this? And does it sometimes run in families. Are adults easily helped or is early intervention needed. He recognises his behaviour and whilst I thought he had it when researching for my son, he was the one who said it. He seemed like he was relieved to have an explaination but he always has to be right, and never ever ever changes an opinion. Id say it is lonely life being with him. We have been married 5 years and together 7. I am constantly looking for more from the relationship but the problem is always me, never him. Ive been accused of being mentally unstable, reported by him to social services. This has been due to him totally forgetting that events have ever happened. Not lying he really doesnt believe they happened. This is a disability so I shouldnt feel so like this wont work. I can cope with my son and love him the way he is. With my husband I only ever dream of when things will change. If my son doesnt change and I end up with an 18 year old who has tantrums on the floor, I think I can deal with that. This is part of the reason Id like an early diagnosis for my son. My husband doesnt want an official diagnosis he is happy thinking it is. He sees no reason why he would want to know or help to change. I would like him to at least try though I realise the help availiable to an adult will be limited. He gets on with life, holds down repetitive jobs ( struggles with common sense big time) so sees no reason why he would want to change. He doesnt see the effect it has on me or my daughter ( my son doesnt care too much). He cant accept that it hurts us even when he accepts his behaviour. He can only see the effect it has on himself. I know that whatever is wrong with my son is also wrong with my husband. They are very similar in their ways. Everything is as literal and black and white with my husband too. The only difference is that hubby has at least learnt to listen to peoples opinion for a while before going right back to his point of view. My son just knows best and doesnt feel the need to hear otherwise. Neither ever change their opinion or will every admit they are wrong. My son doesnt accept he hurt my daughter or cat. What he can accept is that he is wrong when it is something that is on the long list of rules written in his mind. He knows there is a rule "no hitting" but sees nothing wrong with stabbing her with a fork. Once I tell him it is a rule he doesnt do it again because he understands rules are things he cannot do. He doesnt realise the consequences of his actions. And Ive just gone on again, sorry for the essay

Hi, I have just been to my health visitor with a list of my concerns as I have become increasingly concerned. Since speaking with the NAS advisor I have become more convinced my son has aspergers. He has always been strange and lacked social skills and has terrible tantrums if his routine is changed. Anyway she is thinking the same as me after spending an hour going through his behaviour and obsessions etc. He is 4 and due to start school in September and I recieved a campaign poster from the NAS which reinforced my existing fears. It said " What do autistic children learn at school?" A is for anxious B is for bullied C is for confused. This sums up my worst nightmare and made me more convinced to home educate, not to protect him from the real world but to prepare him for it in a way he might be able to cope. Does anyone know where I can get a diagnosis reasonably cheap by cheap I mean less that 1500 pounds. Obviously to do anything privately will cost. I am thinking half that maximum. I dont want a label or a diagnosis. I want someone to sit with him and observe etc for maybe a couple of hours and give their opinion and offer me help as to how I can deal with his behaviour. I realise now I have made so many mistakes for example when Ive said " You slap your sister again and I'll........." I have actually told him to do it again. I always wondered why he seemed to fear the video ban etc but then look scared and slap her again. I feel extremely guilty, he has spent most of the last 3 years with a childminder full time while Ive been at university. What is ironic is now the last thing i want is the career ive been working towards. I graduate in June so I will complete the degree and he loves the childminder but I havent noticed that he isnt interacting properly ie he is still egocentric like a 2 year old in play and emotionally though he is intelligent and his vocabulary is vast, and I mean vast. Its only in the last 6 months Ive noticed a problem, i just thought he was unique. Anyway Im looking for advice in particular about where to start what I need to be doing with him, positive discipline as what works for my daughter doesnt work for my son. Ways to get him off the floor when he has a tantrum and preferably stop the tantrums as I cant see him growing out of them without help. Also feedback on people who have home educated. Mostly I dont want to be waiting for years before someone will give me a straight answer as to what is wrong. Ive heard from 3 people with experience that they believe he is in the autistic spectrum and im pretty sure in my mind, but where do I go for help. Without a diagnosis the doors ive tried are closed to me, and a diagnosis will be at least 9 months so I will need to make a decision without it. The special needs at my local school is limited and I dont think he will learn in a classroom, he would learn more on a computer or in a library. He only retains information he requests, he cannot draw, no pen skills and no interest to learn, cant catch, easily upset. Hes emotionally very young and I fear he will be had for breakfast. He has a reasonable self esteem but is prone to stress and anxiety and i fear it wouldnt take much pressure before he is a very unhappy child. Sorry this is a bit long and if you have got this far then thanks for reading to my ramblings.