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Hi again I've been in denial about this for the last few days but my partner was just picked up by his boss and I'm terrified. They're driving to Liverpool and catching a plane to Barcelona. He won't be back until Wednesday evening. His boss knows I'm ill but he's needed for these meetings, so he has to go. I've been off work for two weeks with anxiety. Things that trigger panic attacks are: waking up and the reality of my situation hits me Ringing phones People ringing the doorbell Certain TV programmes Getting flowers from work Just having quiet time and starting to think too much A long queue in a post office I'd not been to before and waiting outside with people walking past me Children running I have to describe this one: Yesterday we went to Alderley Edge in Cheshire which I love. There were families and dogs there. We'd been there for about 15 minutes - I'd taken a photo of an interesting tree stump and we'd walked up to the Beacon. As we started towards - I think - the Wizard's Well I started to realise how muddy, slippery and steep the paths were. We kept trying to find an easier way around and then the whole forest seemed to spin and I had to stop because I was so dizzy. I was able to go on for a bit and then we sat down on a log for about 10 minutes while I calmed down again and listened to the birds. We carried on down the path a bit further, passed two families with kids and dogs and I couldn't go on. It was just after midday but I was frightened of getting lost and stuck there after dark, or coming out so far from the motorbike I'd have to struggle uphill in my motorbike gear and be so tired that I fell off the back on our way home. There were too many people, kids and too many dogs, and too many trees that looked the same. I got disorientated, lost all sense of direction. My hands were freezing - my partner said they were icy to the touch - but inside my jacket I was soaked with sweat. We left the path to go back to the bike and I could barely walk upright. I thought I was going to faint and I had to keep hold of his hand. It felt like he was dragging me though he wasn't. When we got the path I was stomping and walking like a robot. When we paused so my partner could choose the path I just stood still staring blankly into space. It turned out we had gone a bit wrong and went we got out of the wood we were a bit further down the road from where we parked, at the pub, There's a tea room there so we stopped for some chocolate and then walked back to the bike, which was less that quarter of a mile away. Once we were back on the bike going home I was fine again. I'm diabetic and I have gone hypo before. I get confused and irritable, but this didn't feel quite the same, even though chocolate helped fix it. This was real fear, but at the same time there was a little person in the back of my head telling me I was being irrational. When we got out and I asked my partner how far away the bike was and he said not far, I needed to know exactly how far "not far" was. 100 metres, half a mile, a mile? I sounded childish even to myself. My partner said I have got worse since my panic attack week before last which was caused by people moving too fast and too close to me. Last Thursday morning I woke up, had the panic attack but instead of gasping I froze. When I could move I started pulling my hair out. Last night I went to bed with chest pains because I knew he'd be gone this morning. I've got the phone on mute, the answer phone on, the door locked and I'm not going out any further than the back garden. The only people I've told are an online friend in Australia who's raising her autistic grandson and you. I don't want to stay with anyone because there's no-one I trust nearby. Even if there was it would mean going outside and using public transport, and I don't want anyone in the house with me because they would be invading my space and I'd feel compelled to be the perfect hostess and try and act "appropriately". I've seen the doctor and he won't give me any medication to stop the panic attacks. Instead last week he said he'd send me a DVD with relaxation techniques but that's not here - in fact, my Australian friend sent me a DVD and that arrived first! I'm relying on Kalms but last Tuesday after one panic I took some too close together. They knocked me out for 3 hours and I woke up feeling sick and with a headache. The earliest I could get an appointment with him is Thursday and that's after my partner gets back. What I'm asking is, is there anyone out there that knows this and can you help? How did you cope? I'm really scared I'm going to die without him there.