any suggestions please

[allsetuk]

Hello everyone. Im really struggling with my five and half year old at moment, hes becoming really aggressive. Its almost like he is aware that his mind is spiralling out of control so he tries to control everything and everything.

 

He thumps and slamps almost constantly even though he knows this is wrong. He is exceedingly bright and yet when he comes home he is a monster. He is argumentative about everything , has to have the last word, and punches and slaps me all the time. Then punches himself and says he is rubbish. If I pass commment that I like a song or a tv programme, he says no screams "Oh you like it more than me ...Im rubbish." If I say anything he disagrees with he hurts me, if anyone else tells him something he disagrees with he sits next to me and pinches me really discreetly but really hard. I am completely worn out. Im also a bit worried about his school report, but because i have had no guidance what soever since he was diagnosed in January I have no clue who or what exactly is meant to happen for him at school. He does very well at school as he seems to have this amazing abilty to pretend that everything is ok at school, but its all a bit of clever trickery on his part. It has been observed that he doesnt activly listen, and that he needs to stay quiet and pay close attention but i thought schools were meant to understand that aspergers children need visual clues. Also in sports they say he cannot take direction in large groups and needs constant supervision as he cannot stay on the task and also cannot dress himself. He loathes dressing himself and it causes great distress. I kind of feel that they are treating him like a NT child and im not sure if this is right for him. He gets homework every day and getting him to complete is impossible and its more reason to attack me. He hates writing and they seem to have to do so much ,every day spelling to write out and a diary to keep. Ive tried talking to them but they keep acting like im talking about a different child...

 

Has anyone any suggestions

 

a very tired and teary mum

[baddad]

It sounds to me like he's going through one of those 'quantum leaps' in self awareness, and struggling to come to terms with some of the differences he sees between himself and his peers...

The 'I'm just rubbish' bit is something I've heard many times in the past, and as a parent it really hurts to listen to it, but over time (In my experience anyway) as the new understanding is incorporated into the 'bigger picture' and the child develops skills to negotiate a 'place' for themselves it does diminish. (and the cycle starts again!)

 

On the one hand, he needs lots of reassurance and lots of positive reinforcement for all of the good stuff, and spend as much time highlighting his strengths as you possibly can. Finding some extra 1 -1 time if you can is usually helpful too (but never as a 'consequence' of inappropriate behaviour).

On the downside (and sometimes even when it feels wrong) you have to keep the boundaries very very clearly defined and make sure that responses are consistant and appropriate. That can make you feel really mean, but temper that with the knowledge that he if he is 'wobbling' emotionally he needs rock solid foundations to make the best of that.

 

L&P

 

BD

[LizC]

hi I just wanted to say that we are going through a similar thing well m has been like this for a very long time. he often says things like "i'm stupid" and hits himself. and if he can't get his own way he will thump,hit or kick and break things or throw stuff! it is tiring isn't it? it was horrible when he was in mainstream school as they really didn't understand him he is now in special school and things are loads better. I always talked to the teachers in his old school I felt like I was always going into that school. as for homework he would just throw it in the bin.

 

I hope the teachers start to understand your son soon!!

[Nic m]

Hi allsetuk,

i hope things improve for you soon.Baddads response is spot on, i really struggle with it though when my dd is on a wee spiral of despair i just want to make things better but now realise that i have to be consistant in my approach.

As for homework why don't you drop a note to the school asking how long it should take for the task to be completed?

If you are still struggling after 30 minutes at this age i would thing that is enough time to spend on homework.

Someone else may be able to tell you what the guidlines are for homework. My daughter is nearly 11 (well she is 11 tomorrow) and she is only now able to cope with the demands of homework.

Just a thought but my daughter really struggled with writing, and we now know this is because of her hyper mobility.

I hope you get some improvement soon.

nic

[sueeltringham]

We went through similar last year. My son's now 6 and was mostly really passive at school and mostly 'appeared' to cope well (to staff, not to us), but when he got home the anger and frustration just came out (although not much was directed at me). I've had a real struggle convincing school, ed psych and other professionals that his anxiety and behaviour at home was a direct result of school not meeting his needs. What I decided to do was to keep a diary and log everything, every meltdown, anxiety attack and anything strange behaviour wise, including refusal to do things we asked. I did this for a number of weeks and then everytime a professional made some comment such as 'he was OK at school' or 'it must be something you've changed at home', I could retaliate with a written record which couldn't be disputed. It was also a great help getting him statemented. I also realised how incredibly powerful positive reinforcement and encouragement is. My son is much more co-operative if there are rewards (preferably visual, eg star chart, stickers), so we introduced these for positive behaviour and managed to climb out of the downward spiral. Just work on one thing at a time and make each task very achievable so you are always giving praise. Hope things improve soon,

 

Sue

[allsetuk]

thanks for your comments, someone at school in year 2 has apparently told him he is rubbish, which is adding to the problem, on the way home tonight he was singing a tune he made up, im bad im so bad, im a wierdo , im a freak !!! No matter what i say as i have tried for ever to be really positive but feel like im in a downward spiral big time. he sees to hear nothing I say.

 

i was even told today that was i aware that people are saying he smells !!! i was like what !!! that came out the blue and now i feel super protective. i came home and threw all his clothes in the wash again with a ton of conditioner even though id only washed them yesterday , now i feel paranoid about that too for him.

 

I have no clue what it means to get your child a statement ...but in reception he had a teacher who piled on major positive praise with big visual stars stickers written comments like "FABIDOO what an amazing reader"...now hes in year one all that has stopped completely and there is no recognition of what he does...he gets a gold star the size of my little fingernail for his weekly 10/10 spelling test . Ive asked them twice to please step up the postive reinforcement but they just keep ignoring me and saying he is getting more normal by the day. I was trying to point out that the main theme in his report is that he must learn to active listen but if they are not willing to implement simple visual aids i dont know what to do

[Karen A]

Hi allsetuk.

On the information section at the start of the Education part of the Forum there is lots of information about Statements and SEN provision.Having read your last post I wonder whether perhaps the reason your DS is displaying difficult behaviour is that appropriate support is not being provided in school.Some children are able to appear to cope at school but then bring the distress and frustration home.It may well be that the teacher this year does not understand your DSs needs and is not providing appropriate support.

My DS Ben is also bright.He coped well in school until year 2 when his behaviour at home and school became very challenging.His self-esteem also deteriorated and he was a very unhappy boy.The main reasons for the breakdown in Ben's ability to cope were a lack of awareness of his SEN -because he is bright and they were not recognised or picked up -and Ben's awareness that children were saying things to him or about him that upsett him.

 

I believe that if other children are saying things like ''you smell,freak,you are rubbish'' it is verbal bullying. AS your child has Asperger syndrome the school should be taking the issue very seriously.It is worth approaching the class teacher to discuss the issue and ask for appropriate action to be taken.Karen.

Edited January 15, 2008 by Karen A

[Karen A]

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...chool+different

This is a thread on the Forum that provides useful information about children that cope differently at home to school.I thought it might be helpful.Karen.

[allsetuk]

thanks ever so much, i actually this morning went to meet with the SEN coordinator of my area and had a HUGE 2 hour chat about everything , I took my sons report and she agreed that every target they have set for him is one which for AS children is very difficult, She felt as I did they are too preoccupied with treating him "normally" , He also gets incredibly long holiday , terms are only 8 weeks/ 8.5 weeks with a week in the middle and a month holiday at xmas and a month at easter and 9 weeks in summer. Which for my son isn't enough, he likes to be busy. Im seriously considering changing schools.But there are pro's and con's with that. Thanks for all your advice

[allsetuk]

im at my wits end with my son slapping me all the time, he just spends all day running from place to place slapping me and laughing or shouting things like moron ,he is behaving like a monster

 

i took him to visit my mom today and aunt, and he literally cannot even talk to people without slapping them , or a punch or a hit or a being involved. especially to me if i even murmour a slight bit of disapproval about anything he is doing,

 

ive no clue how to stop it he starts laughing and running around flicking lights on and off constantly and wont stop , yesterday he wouldnt stop jumping on me constantly, it was slap, jump , attack ,then he was try and squash me so hard and nearly squeezed the life out of me and he nearly strangld me and i couldnt get him off, hes only 5 but he is incredibly strong , we almost ended up fighting as ridiculous as this sounds,

 

i always try to remain calm but its like whatever i say doesn't go in at all

 

i am finding him harder and harder to deal with and the more i feel out of control, the worse this is getting, i feel like im losing any ability to communicate with him, if i take things away from him, he runs around and takes things of mine away..it doesnt seem to make any differnce

 

i feel like a right failure at the moment , my mum shouted at him today as he was messing big time at the dinner table and she said to me well your approach doesnt seem to be working...so now i feel even more a failure

 

:crying:

[Clare63]

I am so sorry things are getting so bad, please don't feel a failure you are doing your best, but know only too well how these comments form family/friends etc can make you feel.

Sadly I don't have any advice, but am sure someone will pop along soon who has.

Take care and stay strong

Clare x x x

<'> <'> <'>

[allsetuk]

im just sitting here sobbing, i hate myself right now as i slapped him as he was being repeatedly difficult and i had walked off in the hope that if i ignored it, it would diffuse the situation and he leapt on me strangled me so hard and i couldnt get him to stop ...i was actually scared and i just lashed out as he freaked me out, i had a fright and flight response so heres me expecting him to not slap and what did i do but go and slap him.....what a joke i am, i cant even control myself or him , i try so hard to remain calm but he is just pushing me to mad limts, im exhausted but he is a law unto himself, no matter what i say or do he doesnt listen.

 

he has always had strict boundaries and yet it all seems to have fallen by wayside...he just laughs at me or goes berserk running away /climbing/jumping, squashing and i cant get him to stop, with no one else around to help back me up , im just finding it harder to communicate with him, on any level

Edited January 20, 2008 by allsetuk

[Nic m]

Allsetuk, you are doing a hard job with no support so please take a breather and remind yourself you are only human.

give yourself time and start afresh tomorrow the only thing i can think is for you to start writing things down and you might start to notice some triggers for this behaviour.

My daughters behaviour was really difficult at this age and you are in my thoughts,

take care

nic

[Clare63]

Awwww Hun, don't feel bad as Nic says you are only human. Is he being seen by camhs or the like, perhaps you could ring for an emergency appointment, sounds like you really need some support you do not have to do this alone.

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

Edited January 20, 2008 by Clare63

[allsetuk]

i dont know what Chams is?