Does anyone else have this happen to them...

[morgan and alexandra]

Hi eveyone

 

Ive just come home in tears AGAIN. Usually, when DD is having a difficult time, I keep the school updated on what's happening just in case it impacts on them and they are prepared for what will come there way. DD has started standing in corners with hands over her ears and refuses to move as "we are all shouting at her." We aren't and I just can't seem to get through to her. We've had an awful morning today so I warned the teacher(supply) as to what was going on.

 

Supply teacher is a regular to the school but spoke to me like an idiot. She said she felt that DD was attention seeking and that I should ignore her behaviour when she is like this...

 

I just don't know what to think, I do ignore bad behaviour but can tell the difference unlike some people that sometimes she is naughty and most of the time it's down to ASD traits. Now I'm not sure whether I'm doing things right. I get soooo confused sometimes as we don't get any help at the moment. Awaiting appt with CAMHS due in March and DD recently started new school so was bound to be more unsettled. We having daily meltdowns but the standing in corners with hands over ears is a new one for me.

 

Im so angry with the teacher, and feel really bad now as the TA came up to me and said she had noticed DD having probs and is really trying to help her but I was so choked and crying I had to go.

 

My question now is, do you as parents get treated like this, that it is down to attention seeking and implying that you as a parent let your child get away with it?

 

Thank you

[Mumble]

DD has started standing in corners with hands over her ears and refuses to move as "we are all shouting at her." We aren't and I just can't seem to get through to her.

I don't know your DD or the context here, but from what you've said these seems to me to be far from attention seeking behaviour. It seems to be a 'coping' strategy she has developed to cope with her differing sensory perceptions. The corner is darker, the walls absorb some of the noise, and the hands over the ears help further. I will still put my hands over my ears (with my elbows forward to block out some of the noise/light/crowds/movement - it should become a yoga move, I've perfected it so well! ) when I am overloaded and unable to cope. No it doesn't look pretty, no it's not 'normal' but it definitely isn't attention seeking (far from it - I want to get rid of people!).

 

Your perception, through your sensory experience, is that you're not shouting. This doesn't mean that your DD experiences senses in the same way - to her is may well be shouting. I've heard it said people who have difficulties here, experience noise 10 x louder than 'normal' - I would certainly say this is the case for me, so normal talking is like shouting. It's not so much about getting 'through' but about understanding that we all perceive the world differently and helping her to find acceptable strategies for dealing with this.

[morgan and alexandra]

Thank you Mumble

 

DD is 8 and currently hasn't got diagnosis. Previous school wouldn't help and tried to make out that DD was fine although she was on School Action plus. Because of this DDs daughter was unable to make dx of either AS or ADHD with delayed social and emotional development!!!!

 

DD started new school in December and they have been fantastic. They have been open with me, it was just this supply teacher and think now I will say something to the school as feel this woman obviously has no idea what she is talking about.

 

When talking to my daughter, I keep a low, calm voice for her so maybe just need to lower it a bit more. As I say, this is a new one for her, usually she goes into complete meltdown so think you are right in that she has found a new coping strategy. Will speak to her teacher or SENCO later and see what they say.

 

Just feel like banging i'm banging my head against a brick wall all the time

 

Helen

[CarolJ]

Hi Morgan and alex

 

I have to say as a parent I am often accused of indulging my children and encouraging their behaviour.

 

When your daughter stands in the corner do you try and coax her out? talk to her go to her? It could be making matters worse It sounds as you daughter is trying to shut out the world and get some peace. Have you tried just leaving her be? ignoring her? I find reacting to behavoiur seems to trigger the behaviour. I know our instinct as a parent is to try and make it better and understand what is upsetting our kids but pushing and asking sometimes can be very negative, i speak from experience with my daughter she cant always tell me whats wrong and expects me toknow. I find I ask and if she isnt willing to tell me or cant tell me and appears to get more and more upset, I then walk away and leave her and allow her to come to me when shes is ready.

 

the fact that shes in a new school, new environment is probably adding to her anxiety levels and she is attempting to shut out everything that is scaring her. self imposed time out. I find that my kids need their space and I dont hassle them to open up I let them calm themselves down and when they are ready I reassure them gently.

 

I have found I couldnt force either of my kids to comply with what I thought they were expected to do. The are very stubborn. They work to their own agendas and I had to make allowances for this. Its not about them controlling me its about me meeting them halfway and treating them with understanding and recognising why they do things.

 

Dont listen to others judgements on your parenting skills and your daughters behaviours, its unproductive. Your daughter is expressing her anxiety and needs understanding not condemnation and punishment.

 

Hope this helps but only you truly know your daughter, so dont get upset about other's opinions.

 

take care <'>

[justamum]

didn't you know that ALL parents are dumb in the eyes of a lot of teachers?

 

I would have a 'chat' with the head tell them how upset you were at the insensitive remarks this teacher had made, and how you feel she is also miss perceiving your daughter.

[baddad]

Hi M & A -

 

yes, I'd agree that it sounds like coping strategy or sensory overload issues, and all the suggestions so far regarding a chat with the head make good sense...

In the interim, it's worth looking thoroughly into the 'ABC's' of these incidents (antescedent/behaviour/consequence) to see if you can identify any triggers. This will pay dividends for the meeting with the head if it does relate to the above, but may also highlight other factors you need to consider. If there are any elements of avoidence or control in the behaviours, you can then develop strategies that respond to those needs too.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Clare63]

Hi M&A,

Sorry to hear how upset you are but can totally empathise, yes we as parents do frequently get the blame for what "others" see as overindulgence or ignoring bad behaviour. As others have said it seems quite clear that your child has sensory problems and I would say standing the corner with ehr hands over her ears is hardly attention seeking.

I would make an appointment to see the Head to discuss your concerns.

Take care.

<'> Clare x x x

[morgan and alexandra]

Thank you everyone.

Yes I think I will see the head as if I'm coming up against supply teachers then what is DD getting whilst she is there.

Just to go back over a couple of points, if DD is having a meltdown then try and guide her to safety and then leave to calm down as this usually defuses the situation so it's good to know that I can do this when she stands in a corner with hands over ears. Wasn't quite sure what to do as has only been happening over the past couple of days but it is happening a lot.

 

Just one other point, Why do teachers always think our children are thick because they are SEN, it makes me mad. DD is very bright and sometimes I think thats why teachers think she is looking for attention. GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

 

Thanks again, I feel a bit more positive now

 

Helen

[justamum]

Just one other point, Why do teachers always think our children are thick because they are SEN

 

because they are too ignorant to see beyond the disability, in a nut shell. It's the same as when your in a wheelchair you are perceived as being deaf, dumb and or stupid..or all 3

 

If you have a waking stick you are either putting it on, or a complete dumbo and you may be contagious ..unless your over 60 then your pitied.

 

If you have a facial disfigurement you are seen as being a horrendous monster and must avoid at all cost.

 

 

People fail to see beyond the disability and don't like to acknowledge that somebody is different...also true if your life style is not of a materialistic and commercialised one you must be a weirdo.

 

It also happens in other professional establishments, hospital doctors being another common one, disabled = shout at them as they must be deaf or ignore them as they must thick!

 

and yes, it is wrong!