Young Adults

[stepdad]

Hi, This is my first post, so sorry if I waffle on a bit. My stepson is 18yrs old and has been diagnosed with Aspergers since the age of approx 6. I was a family friend before marrying his mother, so new him from the age of around 10yrs. I have worked with disabilities for many years, and have experienced Autism in many forms, but obviously living with it is very different. I witnessed my stepson growing up and often remarked to his mother "You think he's finding things difficult now?" Wait until he's older"! Anyway, the inevitable has happened, and he is a sulky teenager. Problem is he's a sulky 12yr old in 18yr old body. He is finding life incredibly hard at the moment, as he doesn't fit in more than ever.

He has always been socially inept, as we expected, but up until he was around 15yrs, things were ok. Now his friends all want to be in the pub and talking constantly about the opposite sex, while he wants to talk about High school Musical!!! This obviously is becoming a huge problem for him, and he is becoming more of an outcast than he was already. He tries to fit in but he doesn't relly like alcohol, hasn't a clue about his sexuality, and is looked upon as weird by his so called friends.

Anyone know someone in this position, or have any suggestions

Cheers Robbie

[Nic m]

Hi Robbie,

 

I have no words of advice, my nephew will be 18 and is also struggling, but he does now attend a disability group and he is making friends there.

He doesn't want anyone to know he attends, but it is helping a wee bit.

 

I hope you get some help soon.

 

Nx

[zaman]

Hi

 

some areas have social groups for young people with autism - it might be worth seeking something like that out for him?

 

Z

[NobbyNobbs]

it all depends on whether he finds it a problem for himself, or its more a problem of him feeling bad because he doesn't fit social stereotypes. from my experience (now 23, diagnosed at 22, but always very different) i found knowing that i wasn't what other people wanted or expected a lot harder than the actual not fitting in. i felt i should be having friends, socialising and all of that, because my parents and other family expected and wanted me to. i didn't actually have a lot of drive to do it because of me. i am also immature for my age, no interest in relationships and alcohol. now that i've learned to accept that i'm going to do what is right for me, not what other people feel i should be doing at whatever age its a lot better. i enjoy working with children because i can talk to them about the things that i 'shouldn't' have an interest in at my age. it actually means i relate to them very well.

 

if he actually wants to socialise, then finding avenues for him to do so that he feels safe and comfortable in are important. i like going to the cinema, so my sister and mother make sure that if there is a film i want to see someone can go with me. if he doesn't actually want to socialise with people his own age because he can't relate to them, perhaps try getting him involved in activities for younger children in a 'supervisor' role (even if you also go along to help him). a lot of places really appreciate me being there because i'm happy to get on the floor and play with the toys with the kids! saves them feeling stupid for playing lego, and i'm happy because i get to do things i normally would feel i shouldn't be doing.

[Tally]

I wonder if you could try to introduce some interests which he might share with his friends. Cars, football, something like that maybe. There's no garuntee he will take to any of them, but you never know.

[stepdad]

All these words of encouragement are greatly appreciated, Thankyou. It's nice to be able to talk about problems faced by my son, and actually have someone understand what my son, and us as his parents are going through. Unfortunately, there are no groups or clubs in our area that my son can attend, everything seems to be geared towards younger children. He's still trying hard to be like his peers, bless him, he went clubbing last night so we expect a blow by blow account of the night out, OOH Can't wait for all that detail Te He.

 

[daniels-mum]

Hi Stepdad, your topic has really struck a chord with me, I know exactly how you feel, although my son is a little younger than yours, (11 yrs).

His latest obsession is Thomas the Tank engine, he has just got 2 DVD's which he is avidly watching at the moment. No one can tell me this is the behaviour of a normal 11 yr old, yet CAMHS do not feel the criteria for an ASD diagnosis. He has no desire to mix with peers, play out at home or anything like that, he just wants to stay in his bedroom watching Thomas or making lists of which family members should be which engine in his imaginary play which never really goes any further than that. I feel he is actually regressing and he is showing very noticeable physical and hand mannerisms at the moment. How he will get on at Secondary school in Sept I shudder to think, as he seems to have the mental age of around 6 or 7 yrs, I know that this will always be a concern through out his teenage years.

I was due to go for an OT assesment with him tomorrow but I fear it will be cancelled for the weather unfortunately.

I am going to try and get a second opinion re an ASD diagnosis but thats another story as this clearly isnt normal for a child of his age.

Just wanted to let you know though, you are not on your own as I'm sure you're already aware x

[daniels-mum]

Also, forgot to add, it sounds like your son has some good friends who include him which must be a comfort, it still doesnt change things though I know.

[stepdad]

daniels-mum, hows his academic skills? My son was ok at the start of secondary due to him being a bit more academic than others. What he lacked in social skills he made up for, and surpassed himself with his school work. I know that this may not be much of a comfort for you, but if he's anything like my boy he'll be very resilient ( or is that thick skinned?) I believe at his age he'll pull it of with his peers, all kids are very different at his age. I've always been quite strict about age appropriate games, toys, books, etc, and rightly or wrongly he has had things for his right age group. This may not be to everyones thinking but it has worked to some extent.

I wish all the best

Robbie