Confused newbie

[southwalessunshine]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this site and to Asperger's in general. My 6 yr old son has recently been diagnosed with high functioning Asperger's and it was a kind of relief to finally understand him. How he struggled to make friends and all his other little quirky ways. Once we had diagnosis we started to question whether or not my eldest child had it too. She's almost 16 and experienced a trrauma during the summer before she started high school. She went into a massive meltdown and self harmed, had suicidal thoughts, showed OCD traits and more. She's been in counselling ever since and done anger management and is on anti depressants. She has struggled through high school and always complains that she has no friends yet cannot bring herself to pick up the phone to them, she melts down when given homework and assessments yet is completely able to do the work and is an A star pupil. Looking back to before the trauma she always reacted badly to change in routine, we lived abroad and whenever we travelled back to the UK she's be unsettled for ages, and had other traits. We asked her counsellor to diagnose her either way as 6 yrs of counselling haven't accomplished anything and she and I still feel frustrated etc. Then to top it all off, my partner took me aside last week and said that I also display alot of Aspie traits and we've done some online tests. He has always said throughout our 3 yr relationship that he doesn't understand me, I seem at odds with myself and that there are some traits I have that clash with my base personality, that he knows I'm a generous, warm and caring person but my cold, blunt and aloof ways are at odds with that. Apparently I stare into space alot, am so blunt at times that without realising I can upset him so much that he spends the day wondering what he's done and then when he asks me about it I am oblivious, I struggle with people, can't do eye contact etc. Most of these I didn't know but am trying to be aware of and some I kind of agree I do, others I am clueless. I had a terrible upbringing and still have big problems with my family especially my mother, and always put my emotional wall being up down to that, but now Aspergers is a possibility I feel like I no longer know myself, did my mother have the right to treat me the way she did because I was an aspie and was difficult? Was I so oblivious of people's feelings that it's understandable they treated me badly? I have alot of thoughts like these but kind of know mostly no-one should treat anyone badly just because they're cold, blunt and aloof. But I am questioning the way I think and feel about myself and think and feel in general about things. My partner says I'm looking completely on the negative side and need to see the positive but this morning I got a call from him as I stood on the train station, and he was really upset because I'd been nasty to him this morning before we all left the house. This spoiled his day but alsospoiled mine as I wasn't aware I'd hurt him and then felt guilty. I guess it's easier to put a label on me but I really don't see how it will help....maybe it'll help him so I should do it??????A diagnosis helped me understand my son and hopefully will also with my daughter but I got this far without a diagnosis. Also I guess I'm a little scared that if I am an aspie then who the hell am I? I'm not who I thought I was for the whole of my life. How do I differentiate my feelings caused by possible aspergers and my terrible upbringing and violent past marriage?

I have read here about meltdowns. Can anyone explain what they experience during this? I have what I call episodes where I am really snappy, nasty, stop cooking and cleaning the house. It's kind of like a depression but suddenly after a few days I snap back. Could this be a meltdown or something else?

 

[pookie170]

God, hon, it sounds like life has not been easy for you at all!

It is impossible to DX yourself or other people, as everyone has quirks or traits that could be seen as autism-like.... Online tests may give an indication of the possibility but they're not diagnostic tools, as far as I'm aware at any rate. That doesn't mean you are not on the spectrum either though. (Just what you wanted to hear, hey? )

However, if really do think it might be a possibility, then you could try going down the diagnostic route. I have no experience of this with adults, so I can't really advise any more than that, I'm afraid.

 

One thing that struck me hugely while reading your post is that you stated both you and your daughter have been through very traumatic life experiences. The mark that this can leave on you is immense and all-encompassing. Do you think that seeking help like counselling might be of use? The aftermath of these things can result in people becoming withdrawn, depressed, having severe mood swings.....I think I would say that exploring that possibility first would be wise. (You may have done this already, but no-one ever said that going through a block of therapy once is sufficient!)

You also spoke of having had a terrible upbringing- you know, I would fully expect that to leave a lifelong impression on you as its during childhood that you form your personality- how sociable you are, confident, optimistic/pessimistic, good at sharing feelings and such. Its most certainly none of your fault, but if people were unkind to you then it's no surprise that you might become cold and aloof. After a certain period of endurance of nasty behaviours, being aloof can protect you.

 

DXing at any age can bring understanding, can bring help and support (but not always) and its a very personal thing. Just don't panic- say you did get a DX of AS, would you be any different? No, you'd still be you, but in time you'd be someone with a deeper understanding of herself and hopefully your family would 'get' you a bit more too.

(I hope I don't offend you with this post, but if I am out of line, tell me so!)

 

Whatever you decide to do, welcome to the forum and I hope you find it useful and supportive.

Take care,

Esther x

[southwalessunshine]

No offence taken whatsoever

I always put my coldness etc down to my upbringing but my partner has noticed things about me that i struggle to put down to my upbringing. He thought I might have epilepsy when we met as I often go bank, he said that there is no expression on me and I suddenly snap back after some minutes or so, but I am def not epileptic as I saw the doctor. Also I really don't know when I upset people, I hate people touching me when I'm not aware of tem such as my kids coming up behind me and cuddling me, it makes mre jump and I feel nasty in that spit second. I cn't sympathise with people when they're upset, when I have upset someone and they tell me my initial reaction is for them to get a grip as it's not important. If I don't see the sense in something and someone else does I end up offending them.

But maybe it is just my upbringing forming my peronality? I'm just really confused at the moment. Plus, with my sons diagnosis and possibly my daughter, they will need me to understand them and what if I can't give them what they need? I go to the counseling sessions religiously with my daughter, every fortnight for 6 yrs, I helpher with any homework they set her, I support all my kids with everything they do even though half the time I dn't understand why they want to do the things they do. And although there are ouch moments when i snap or freeze on them, they have grown up with me like that. My biggest worry is with my partner, he is understanding and tries to understand me but how can I be sympathetic when half the time I don't know I've upsethim orhe made me aware that i did and I don't really see the problem. ?

I said in my first post that I felt guilty I had hurt my partner and spoiled his day, but looking back on it, ifelt guilty on the trainride to town, then got into what I was doing and didn't even think about it untilI saw him again after he got home from work and mentioned it to me again. I think i felt more confused than guilty as I honestly didn't know I'd upset him....again!

AAAggghhhh!!!!

 

[CWP]

At the fourth attempt at trying! I ame determined to reply to you as I know where you are coming form. My son is not much younger than yours and I have had simialr life experiences and struggled with what to blame. Since I started reading about AS I wonder if the experiences I had were down to a possible ASD within myself that led me to trust the wrong people.

I have a very supportive husband and I suffer form depresssion. I understand why you are trying to determine whether the chicken or the egg came first. All I can say is you will probably never know but try not to be so hard on yourself - as my husband always says to me to no avail!

 

If you want to chat more I'd be glad to help as I already find your story helpful.

 

This is much shorter than my last three attempts because I think I will lose my conneciton agian!

x

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

It's never right for a parent to treat their child badly because they are difficult or cold and aloof. You know this because both of your children have problems which have been difficult for you to deal with, and you don't treat them badly - you have gone to a lot of effort to get them both the best help available! If your parents treated you badly, then it is because there was something wrong with them, not you. Jumping when your children come up behind you does not make you a nasty person. Maybe this is something you need to explain to them, that it makes you jump and it would be better if they would approach you from the front or speak to let you know they are there.

 

It is going to be extremely difficult to differentiate which of your difficulties are down to your history of abuse and which may be caused by AS. Even a highly skilled professional would find it impossible to do that. Nevertheless, you can reach an understanding of the way you are without necessarily knowing the causes, and that could help all your relationships.

 

I think that the best thing you and your husband can do right now is to learn as much about AS as possible. There is a book called Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford. As well as the obvious, it also talks a lot about how AS can present in adults who have gone through life undiagnosed and developed coping mechanisms. This might help you and your husband to find ways to deal with the issues you are having in your relationship.

[southwalessunshine]

Thnk you for replying to my post, it has helped a littleand for that I'm grateful.

Your point, Tally about me being able to spot my children had difficulties and my parents not, is pretty much what I'm holding onto for the moment.

CWP, my partner says the same thing to me, but 5 mins later I'm blaming myself again. We sound like we have alot in common. I'll message you later when I have a little time to chat. x