School Phobia/Refusal

[Mandapanda]

Hi, my youngest son had separation anxiety when young, never liked going to childminder, nursery, playgroup etc. At coffee mornings with friends & kids, he would stand by my leg watching till last 5 mins then decide to play. When started school he had to be peeled off me every day crying. He was actually fine during the day. In Yr2 he was much better, would go in and wave out of window at me. He would not have friends over and would not go to their houses. He hated parties, balloons, noise etc. (though he was pretty noisy himself at home!). Moving into Yr3 (going from Infant School to Juniors in separate building down the road), he lost about 6 friends as they went to different Juniors. Again he had to be taken off me by teacher. One year he had male teacher he really liked and was much better all round and got an award for Most Improved Child, even going up in front of whole school to receive it.

In Yr6 - last year at Juniors - everything changed due to new Head Teacher and new rules (she even tried to change After School Club). Things went downhill rapidly. At the same time my mother-in-law also going downhill rapidly with dementia and needed much more help from us. At the end of Yr6 it became difficult to get Aw to school, especially on PE day, so I just sent a note in saying he couldn't do PE for the rest of the time there, and we muddled through. We took my homeless niece in and she slept in our lounge 10 mths & turned out to be a nightmare. She's no longer with us, she's been through a very bad experience and seems to be sorting herself out now.

Move to Secondary School was promising, he was looking forward to it, expecting to be treated as much more grown up. For brief time I had blissful experience of two boys trotting off to nearby bus stop and watching them go. It didn't last long. On bus kids would say things to Aw about Mj smelling (severe soap and water avoidance syndrome!). It was also busy and chaotic. Once Aw got on right bus to come home but Mj thought it was wrong bus and was pulling him to get off in front of everybody. Another time bus went the wrong way and didn't go to stop they needed and dropped them off where they didn't know where they were. Luckily Mj had phone and phoned me and I worked out where they were. So I ended up taking Aw even though Mj was still getting bus!

Incidents obviously happened in school though it's hard to get out of Aw what exactly. He didn't get on with some teachers, some subjects, etc. and after the first half term it was a struggle to get him to go. We ended up trying to get him there for only science, then only into Pupil Support rather than class. He became very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. He now hasn't been since May 2008. Online learning failed due to anxiety, had 2 really good sessions with home tutor, then mum-in-law passed away a month ago and sleep routine went out of window and low mood and anxiety increased. Anxiety paralysing him, CAMHS previously not entirely helpful, mostly taking about what had been happening in the home environment (not how to help his anxiety, low confidence and non-existent self-esteem), presumably so we could see what we had done wrong and be better at making him go to school. Consultant (who only saw us because we complained about the other member of staff we had been seeing) even said to us "well nobody has died from it" ! ! , although new Psychologist seems more promising. I wondered about hypnotherapy but not sure if good idea with children.

 

He beats himself up for not going to school, not seeing friends - one good friend comes round sometimes. He worries about his education, although at 12 he is better educated than niece aged 17. I don't really know whether school is the problem or his general anxiety, or social anxiety, or what!

Aj is in the house all the time, limited eater, no physical activity, gets bored stiff (mostly when really tired). My husband works full-time, I work part-time. And none of us get any time to ourselves at home except him.

 

Any ideas, suggestions, experiences, hope for the future - all welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JenRose]

Mandapanda im so sorry you are going through this and for your DS it must be very worrying.

 

we went through this for 2 years with our DS,he totally refused to go to school for 2 years,we were threatened with court,told it was our parenting

you name it,he was eventually dx,d with AS.

 

is your son statemented, also you dont say what his diagnosis is?

 

with regards to CAMHS well, erm hmm, we havent had a very good experience with them for either of our children,but i know there are parents who have.

 

have you written to the LEA and asked for him to be assessed,we had to do this and it was refused but we got there in the end and he was statemented

and is now in an independent special school and thriving.

 

Dont give up hope,you are your sons best advocate,there are a few of us on here who have been through what you are and if i can help you

in any way just shout!!!

 

jen

x

[Mandapanda]

Thanks Jenrose

 

My son is dx with Severe Anxiety with School Phobia, Depression, Traits of Aspergers Syndrome. No statement, never seen by Educ Psych - but then my 15 yr old with Aspergers dx'd when he was 7 has never seen Ed Psych or had statement ether, always done "well enough" academically and hasn't been disruptive really.

 

The Education Welfare Officer was absolutely super, very understanding. Mind you Aw looked very pale and little and unwell when she came. She had a child with AS herself which helped. She said she wouldn't be suggesting prosecution under the circumstances, don't know how long this will stay the same though. Haven't seen or heard from her in some time.

 

The Home Tutor said he'd phone me today hopefully with some information on what other options there are as Aw is not doing his sessions now. It's such a shame as it went so well until Grandma passed away. Now a few weeks have passed Aw is working really hard on sleeping at the right time and has managed

 

It has never occurred to me to even think about assessment as we never got this for older son even though I requested it in writing from the Junior school - we even did all the paperwork then they denied we ever even had a conversation about it. The secondary school have been brilliant for my eldest and he is getting extra time in his exams and if need be they will 'blow up' his written papers to make it easier for the examiner to read his (improving) writing.

 

Aw got level 5 in Maths, Eng & Science in Yr6 so can't imagine we'd get very far.

 

How did you manage on a day-to-day basis? I work part-time, luckily only up the road and I come home for lunch, but I am not happy leaving him. There have been times when I haven't been able to leave him which leads to strain with certain work colleagues as we are short staffed anyway.

 

 

 

 

[Clare63]

Mandapanda,

 

Please don't be put off by academic achievement regarding statement of SEN, my son's statement relates to emotional, social and sensory needs as he is very bright too. He coped very well with school up until he started secondary school and was only diagnosed with aspergers not long after he started. He too suffered severe anxiety and with school phobia resulting in him being out of school for a year and half. We had support from the Children out of School Team (COOS's) who provided a tutor. After a long battle we eventually got the statement tailoring our sons needs and he now goes to a specialist school for children with Aspegers, he only started in November and he is doing fantastically, in fact for the first time in his life he actually likes school, even eats school lunch with everyone and uses the school toilets things he has never ever done before. I put it down to being in the "right" environment with understanding of ASD's by ALL staff. This Summer he choses his GCSE options and he hopes to eventually go to 6th form college and University.

 

Good luck and if you think I can help in anyway, please do not hesitate to ask. To be honest we would not be where we are today without all the encouragement, help and support I got from this forum.

 

Clare x x x

[Mandapanda]

Aw still not doing his Home Tutor sessions - we're now in the same cycle as we were with school before, us hoping he'll do it and him feeling more pressurised.

 

Aw wouldn't come to CAMHS with us Monday. He said because he has made some progress with sorting his sleeping he felt he could do it himself. He also said going and talking about 'his problems' made him feel he had more of a problem, even though he 'knows it is a big problem'. He was adamant it wasn't anxiety stopping him going, but I don't know if as he's clever he is coming up with these reasons to justify him not going when the underlying reason is really anxiety.

 

We went anyway and spent most of the time with me telling her about my past and the depression I have experienced. She was very kind and understanding and said that even if Aw doesn't come to sessions it wouldn't be the end of their supporting us as she felt we need support as a family and particuarly me as I bear the brunt of it all due to husband being out at work full time and because Aw is very dependant on me and wants me to do everything for him.

 

I don't know what to do about school. Do I wait for someone to contact me, or do I contact the EWO or school or the school nurse? I know as a last resort we could simply deregister him from school - it would be the easiest option, but I am not sure what to do for the best. He should be starting Yr9 in September and doing SATs next year and choosing his GCSE options, but I don't see how he could ever get to that stage at the moment.

 

I had hoped we could go to Southampton Uni tomorrow for a Science Open Day, but Mj won't go unless we all go as a family and I can't see anyway Aw will be up to going when it comes to it. I would happily take Mj but he at least wants both parents there, but it's too far to leave Aw alone. It is so frustrating.

 

I can't stop crying today. I've had a hard week at work and even though I'm sleeping better because Aw is, I still feel really tired and can't see how this situation is ever going to change.

 

[Karen A]

<'> <'> <'> I read your post and wanted to send some hugs.Ben is just about getting to school and is also not sleeping well so I understand a bit how you feel.

I just have one hint.It may not be the best option to deregister until you have explored the options .Once derigistered the LEA have much less responsibilty to provide support or to come up with alternative solutions so it might be a great choice for them but not for you if you are not sure about home ed in the long term.Karen.

[Mandapanda]

UPDATE

 

Aw isn't doing any schooling at the moment, but his mood has further improved and he is making some small efforts to try some other foods. He has said when he is 'eating healthier' he hopes to start doing some education again. He also had a friend round that he hadn't seen in nearly a year - he had been too anxious to do so before - this is a real breakthrough. He even came for a walk in the forest with us - CAMHS were really shocked he was able to after so long at home. He is also stopping some of his 'habits' - having a fan on all night, lots of toys on the bed. I'm now waking him at 10am as 9am was too early and he was going deep asleep again.

 

I had a mini breakdown just before the easter hols and asked the school if there was any more support they could provide, and why Educ Welfare had closed our file. I got a phone call from the school yesterday who said the EWO's job was only to point us in the direction of the online learning and home tutor and that the idea was to work towards him attending the small special unit. If he wasn't going to do anything at all their only other option is to prosecute us!

 

The school education welfare staff member asked if I had considered Home Education (but said she couldn't recommend what I should do).

 

This stress is almost destroying me. I'm waiting for an appointment with the Adult Mental Health Team but my referral got 'lost' (even though I work in the service!).

 

[Kathryn]

What a useless bunch!

 

I think it would be a good idea to apply for statutory asessment straight away (you can get help from NAS or IPSEA) and also get your son formally signed off school on medical grounds - don't deregister him for the reasons Karen has given. He will still be on the school roll and the LA will be obliged to continue to provide home tuition if he's up to it. His anxiety may improve if he knows he is not going to be pressurised to go back into school in the near future.

 

You might find this current thread helpful:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=21117

 

There are no grounds for prosecution - would they prosecute a child off school recovering from surgery? If they continue to threaten you with this, write to the LA and tell them you are fulfilling your legal duty as a parent in securing for your child an education which is suitable to his age ability and aptitude and any special educational needs he might have. I can find you the relevant bit of the Education Act to quote at them and that should shut them up - don't be terrorised.

 

Glad your son has shown some improvement. Look after yourself - sorry to hear you haven't been well. It's not surprising given the stress you're under.

 

 

 

<'>

 

K x

Edited April 22, 2009 by Kathryn

[Karen A]

UPDATE

 

Aw isn't doing any schooling at the moment, but his mood has further improved and he is making some small efforts to try some other foods. He has said when he is 'eating healthier' he hopes to start doing some education again. He also had a friend round that he hadn't seen in nearly a year - he had been too anxious to do so before - this is a real breakthrough. He even came for a walk in the forest with us - CAMHS were really shocked he was able to after so long at home. He is also stopping some of his 'habits' - having a fan on all night, lots of toys on the bed. I'm now waking him at 10am as 9am was too early and he was going deep asleep again.

 

I had a mini breakdown just before the easter hols and asked the school if there was any more support they could provide, and why Educ Welfare had closed our file. I got a phone call from the school yesterday who said the EWO's job was only to point us in the direction of the online learning and home tutor and that the idea was to work towards him attending the small special unit. If he wasn't going to do anything at all their only other option is to prosecute us!

 

The school education welfare staff member asked if I had considered Home Education (but said she couldn't recommend what I should do).

 

This stress is almost destroying me. I'm waiting for an appointment with the Adult Mental Health Team but my referral got 'lost' (even though I work in the service!).

 

 

<'> <'> I know it is all very stressful.I understand how you are feeling.I was fortunate to have support in place both from CAMHS and privately for myeself last year as I came far too close for comfort to having a breakdown.My own therapist is always telling me how important it is to look after myself and I think she is very wise.

 

Please do not let anyone bully you.It would be very convenient for EWO if you decided to Home Ed and would cost everyone else nothing.

I hope the adult mental team can sort the referal out soon. <'> Karen.

 

[Mandapanda]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to try and get CAMHS or the School Doctor to do a letter saying Aw isn't well enough to cope with education at all at the moment.

 

Yesterday I emailed my MP (and sent him a link to this forum as I think it speaks for itself) and today my local county councillor came canvassing so I bent her ear as well!

 

Had another call from the school today. They said they 'want us to stay in the system'. They didn't mention Home Education, they are not involving the EWO because of the risk of prosecution, and we can restart the Home Tutor when Aw is ready. They said they can also offer online learning where he just does it on his own. The previous online learning they offered was a sort of 'online class' where a tutor and other children all logged on together and went through stuff together, he was too anxious to do that. They said they would give it a couple of months and if he's still not doing anything they will 'start up the process' again. I assume that means involving the EWO. I mentioned again about getting him assessed for a statement but was again met with silence.

 

Bless his little heart, he asked that if he did Science with the Home Tutor if that would be enough to stop me gettng prosecuted. He was very subdued yesterday worrying about it.

 

I had my assessment at the mental health team this morning (the referral had got lost so they fitted me in urgently), so at least that's started as well.

 

All your advice has helped me, and made me feel I can do something about the situation.

 

 

[Kathryn]

Hi Mndapanda

 

Glad you feel more in control and that you're starting to get help yourself.

 

If the school are reluctant to start the statementing process, you can do so yourself just by writing to the LA to request an assessment. You don't need the school's permission.

 

K x

[Mandapanda]

UPDATE

 

CAMHS and Social Services have both said the school should be doing a CAF (Common Assessment Framework). I'm not entirely sure but this seems to be a sort of assessment and planning programme involving all relevant parties. Which basically means they'll all have to talk to each other, which they should have been anyway!!

 

 

Social Services also said that the school/EWO should be referring us to the Locality Team in order for me to access parental support groups etc. She was not happy that they were not already doing this. She has written to my doctor and the school, saying this.

[Karen A]

Hi.There are two lots of information on the CAF on this link one for young people and one for parents.I thought they might be useful.Karen

http://www.everychildmatters.gov.uk/resour...actice/IG00172/