Newbie with low self esteem (verrrrrry long post)

[dekaspace]

Hi im a 26 and a half year old and recently after a dyslexia and dyspraxia assessment at university the psychologist sent me a report saying I had both and also the signs of Aspergers.

 

Due to this my lecturers were informed of my dyslexia and dyspraxia but not the recommendation to see doctor to be assessed for aspergers but my English Literature lecturer who was a primary school teacher for over 25 years has after each class taken time to speak to me and he said that he has noticed signs of Aspergers, and when I told him about the reccomendedation to get assessed he didnt know but that just put into my mind taht 2 professionals with wide experience in the field noticed this.

 

I did some online aspergers test and it said the majority of people in the UK get around 16 points from it, and 80% of people who got 32 or more had aspergers, guess what! I got 31! but then some of the questions could of gone either way so I might of got a higher or lower score.

 

Like this post says, I'm very negative and low, but babble on when I get the chance to about silly things.

 

I find it VERY hard to make friends, but I think my disabilities are hugely psychological since at Primary School I was very popular but a old fashioned kid, climbed trees, read books a lot, got into trouble with neighbours often but was VEReY popular and confident to the point that I was often picked by teachers or other kids to be the one who had to read chapters of a book and I used to have a different voice and accent for every character.

 

Even then though I was different, whilst everyone was buying Mega Drive's I was happy playing ZX Spectrum games and baer in mind this was the 90's after they had stopped production.

 

After I started High School life became terrible, all my friends deserted me as the school was class based and as I came from a council estate and a family on benefits(though a family background of highly skilled people and loads of university graduates) the school put me into the bottom classes and all the kids from working familys went into the top classes. I had a temper back then and fought back at every opportunity be it words or fists but because of the class based system no matter if I was attacked or I did the first punch I was always told I must of provoked them and those kids are much more trustworthy.

 

It came to the point where 2 klids who had doctors as parents attacked me in the street after class one day for "grassing" on them and smashed my shoulder and wrist for which even now I get agonising arhritis and the school again claimed I must of started it as they werent the sort of kids who attacked anyone etc and they were just suspended for 2 weeks.

 

Then a few months later this girl who bullied me badly was a stereotypical "trailer trash" though deep down she may of just been hurting as she started punching me one day and slapping me for no reason so I gently kicked her foot and she walked off and said I would get in trouble and that night the police came round saying I had attacked her and they had proof that she had bruises from the bottom of her legs all the way up to her neck covering her entire body which upset me as the police just acted as if we were chavs because we were on benefits desspite my parents never being in trouble with the police, and not smoking or touching alcohol(as they were both ex nurses who saw too many people seriously ill from drink) and didnt get any credit as they hated debt and used to do a lot of volunteer work! and neither wore tracksuits or hoodies(just cheap clothes as thats what they could afford)

 

Because of all this I retreated from the world, I spoke to no one and the bad bullying continued but it was so bad that even if someone said hi to me, I would say nothing and tilt my head and ignore them

 

And ironically I started getting girls fancying me but I never noticed it as they called me ugly but then invited me clubbing! This is another thing that now I dont get, havent had a girl chat me up in 4 years which makes me feel dead inside and want to hurt myself though I have enough control not to or keep dreaming that im a murderer and killing loads of people so I have a lot of pent up anger.

 

When I left school at 16 I was "happier" people respected me more, at least to my face and I had my first alcohol in my life and drank once a month on grant day and went round to peoples houses and watched South Park.

 

Then at 17 I left home! that was the best year or 2 of my life as I had a big room, started clubbing and had some stunning girls suddenly fancy me and ask me out to be their boyfriend or just for sex andone of these girls went on to become a model! and I think another did too! so shows you the sort of girls that liked me as I was quiet, sweet kind and nervous and without a hint of arrogance.

 

However I didnt lose my virginity till a few days before I was 19 and I'd say even now at 26 have only had 3 proper sexual partners, and 2 of them were one night stands and one was a girl I dated for a few weeks so I guess I have only had sex about 20 times in my life and about 17 of them with one girl who I didnt love.

 

I was more normal at 21 as I enjoyed weekly nights out and again started to get female attention and felt a bit more confident but still never chatted anyone up.

 

Then at 22 my brother was wrongfully accused of murdering his fiance and it took a year to clear his name but the real killer had fled abroad(back before my brother was originally arrested!) and even now get disgusting comments from people who act as if he done it and we are a scummy family as the stigma is now attached.

 

At 23 I gained a huge amount of weight despite not eating much and started feeling permamently hung over and drained and just wanted to spend my life curled up and having someone punch me or hit me on my head and wished it was all over and as I say the weight issues and the fact I have baggy eyes and bad skin now mean no girl fancys me anymore that makes me worse.

 

At least now I know why I was more succeptable to depression and self esteem issues as I have always had problems making friends, and people always called me a weirdo, even in the street where people who I have never met just take one look and shout "weirdo/freak" or make grunting sounds due to the vibe I give out.

 

What can I do to become "better"?

 

(edited by moderator for potentially offensive content.)

Edited March 23, 2009 by Kathryn

[smiley1590]

i have AS,dyspraxia and thou not dyslexic as ma reading and spelling above average though do find understanding grammar and communication hard but i know thats down to my AS! i got bullied stereotypical discrimation like you said in your story i could see alot of me in your personal experiences!i have trouble making friends and keeping them and trustin them as i'm vulnerable more than most my age!

 

when you been told you weird ,a freak pushed and shoved you start to believe you worth nothing more than that! you feel you should have deserved it done to you! no one deserves to feel the way we were made to feel and think!

i have depression and other MH probs and low self-esteem like you stems from past events of years of torments and being told you're nothing and you feeling powerless and scared

 

i still feel that now! i overeat when depressed frustrated feel a loss of control in my life you sound same kinda thing why you do it! have u talked to ayone openly about being bullied for so long now? maybe opening up may help you move on like counselling? are you on medication for depression? physical exercise suppose to be better than meds and may help you lose some weight!? write in a diary how you think and feel that sometimes helps clear your mind of 'dark''black' thoughts and feelings? have u had CBT offered to you anytime? feeling drained will be the depression having that effect with low self-esteem! as i'm JUST THE SAME THERE 2! i sometimes eat nothing too and that can be depression making you not hungry does funny things to everything around you and to you! affects everything really! physical,emotional/mental when people just think it emotional problem!

 

alchol 'numbed' the emotional and mental pain you felt in your head and life that became unbearable and you became desperate to run from yourself and your problems rather than face them head on! i had alot of anger inside of why me i ask all time? refuse to accept there was something there 'not right!'

 

babbling about silly things sounds so AS as i do that so much too especially when depression to 'hide behind' and 'pretend ' i was ok! when i'm falling part to cover me! you do VERY MUCH SOUND AS! and thats coming from AS themselves so i would get checked out -assessed maybe! it worth knowing you might feel so 'lost and confused' in the world! less frustrated!ya showing alot POSITIVE SIGNS for AS and maybe other spectrum disorders in your personal story! social isolation/anxiety?! common in having AS!

 

has anyone else in your family like you show similiar signs or same struggles/difficulties?

does anyone in your family have MH probs too?

have you been diagnosed with depression?-do you see anyone for this?

are you suicidal you sound it?!

 

TC LVYA LDZ ME X

 

hope this helps bit more make you feel not so scared and alone in this all! so you NOT weird and freak ok! you're maybe aspergers with MH probs and just need support and help to help you along the way to cope!

[dekaspace]

I'm not suicidial just so upset I sometimes wish it could just go away and I cant feel it and by pain can get a few seconds of a pulse of energy.

 

Mental Illness is common in my family, my parents both suffered from depression on and off over the years in fact that was how they met in a hospital, my mum gets DSA but now I have told her what I have and the signs, she is seeing some in her too.

 

I once took ectasy and was really weird, I both felt fantastic and depressed and my whole body was ticklish and I tickled myself all over and made my flatmate cuddle me and curl up in their arms and I cried.

 

Problem with medication is the doctors just keep telling me that my problems are just stress and to get better to jon societys and make new friends which I cannot do as I find that impossible as I cannot hold a conversation with anyone unless its about me and telling them how bad my life is,

 

Also I hate being touched, I wont cuddle my mum and if she tries to cuddle me I back away, and I dont even tell her I love her, at most I mumble it.

 

I cannot drink alcohol any more as it just makes me dizzy and want to fall alseep where im standing but then I get a bit hyper and asleep at same time and act like a pre teen and jump up and down and shout and go up to random people and have a kiddy voice and just scream and shout alone in my room when I come back and laugh non stop and put music full blast.

 

I cannot enjoy things any more, as a kid I had a huge interest in books and read the same book over and over, and played video games non stop but had a routine, that id finish by 9pm each night, spend an hour doing homework then bed, these days if I try to read I feel physically sick and just want stimulation of my eyes and brain by moving pictures i.e tv but even that makes me tired as when I do that I want to play a game, then when I try to play a game im so bored I want to watch tv or read.

 

These days one nights its 8am to bed even though by 10pm im barely awake, im too tired to actually sleep! and if I do my brain starts racing, then I sleep like 16 hours though after 4 o4 5 wake up every few minutes feeling rough.

 

I'm horny but I find touching someone intimate, even stroking their hands makes me shake and feel disgusted and makes me angry.

 

the problems with emotions is like this I love to pour my emotions out online but get worked up easy so often as I have bad structure people accuse me of trolling and attention seeking that makes me upset and so I try to defend myself as I like to reply to everyone then they accuse me of trolling more as I cant just let it go and as I cant argue I must by lying as my stuff makes no sense.

 

I have tried getting medication but doctors refuse due to the huge increase of people on it these days and just say councilling but a 3-6 month waiting list and even then one appointment every 2-3 months and I need to have at least 3 sessions before they decide if I need medication!

Edited March 22, 2009 by Kathryn