Dishonesty, etc . . .

[Tally]

I'm feeling bad and a bit of a fraud at the moment. I am sorry that this has turned into such a long post, but if anyone does have time to read it I would really appreciate some views. I don't think I can miss anything out without missing out important parts of the backgroud.

 

It's been really hard to get a job. I managed to find one in a dry cleaners but I am still looking for one that pays better with a few more hours because I am not earning enough money. I didn't say this when I applied for the job because I knew they wouldn't give me the job if they knew I only planned on using it as a stop gap.

 

My boss keeps saying that after Christmas he will train me to be able to cover for him so he can have a holiday. This is a major thing for him because he really doesn't trust anyone and hasn't taken a day off for three years because he has never trained anyone to cover for him before. I feel really guilty because I am not planning on staying this long and he won't get the holiday he is planning.

 

I also didn't mention that I have Asperger's at application. I felt confident that I could handle the "scripted" types of conversation that you have with customers, as I have done this before when I worked on a deli counter, so wouldn't need any "reasonable adjustments" in order to do the job. They are a small business, so can choose not to employ a disabled person. In the past the problems I have had in work have been more to do with getting on with other colleagues than the work itself, but I didn't want to say that I might have difficulty getting on with other staff, especially since I work alongside my boss in all of my shifts - he would have had a pretty rubbish time if we didn't get on! Also, being a small business, I realised that my treatment was entirely dependent on one person only - in my previous job in a supermarket if there was a manager who was hostile, there would always be another manager who I could get on OK with. I didn't know his attitude to disability, etc, and didn't want to risk that he may hold very negative views.

 

I think now that I was right about handling it OK because I have successfully handled the occasional customer who has tried to get out of paying, or tried to tell me the garment they want cleaned is something it is not, and things like that. Also, my boss commented that he was relieved to have a new starter who he didn't have to tell to say please and thank you to the customers, which I took as praising my social skills with the customers!

 

But today he was telling me about a time he was bullied in school, and I told him about the time a boy at school kicked me and I was called into the headmaster's office and told that if I would just act normal I wouldn't get kicked, and while I was in the office my class teacher asked the class to put their hands up if they thought I was weird - just in case anyone hadn't noticed I suppose! My boss replied something about that being an invitation to kick anyone who is different, which is not the person's fault. Then he said, "what if you were autistic or something? That is like saying it's OK to beat up disabled people."

 

I almost said, "well, actually I am autistic," but thought better of it at the last minute.

 

I do feel that eventually I would like to tell him in a non-work capacity about being autistic. I have got to know him a bit and he seems to have a reasonable attitude towards disability, etc. He has got to know me a bit now and I think (hope) he likes me, so hopefully he would take it well and not make pre-judgements based on things (possibly wrong or stereotyped) he has already heard about autism. But now just didn't seem the right time.

 

I am also wondering if he already knows. He found my Facebook profile. I haven't got anything too obvious on there, but I do have some photos from last year's Autscape. It wouldn't have taken too long on Google to work out that Autscape was an event for autistic people. Autism just seemed like an odd thing to mention in the context and I wondered if he was fishing for a confession. Does that seem like something people might do?

 

I feel really horrible about it, but I know that if I say I plan to leave they might not keep me on as I am still on my probationary period - business is quiet during the summer and it would be the ideal time to train a new starter. I'm also worried they don't want a disabled person on staff and might have pre-conceived ideas from the media about what people with Asperger's might do. I just hate this, I feel like I am lying by not telling the whole truth, but I might lose my job if I tell the truth. Even though my boss seems OK, he is not the owner of the business and the owner might feel differently.

[Mumble]

Then he said, "what if you were autistic or something? That is like saying it's OK to beat up disabled people."

I wasn't there so I can't know, but from this comment I'm seriously wondering if he has suspicions and was trying to find a way to either find out if you had a diagnosis or suspicions - but not in a bad way if that makes sense? You didn't tell him you weren't autistic so you haven't lied and he or you could come back to that conversation.

 

As to staying after Christmas, no-one can see into the future and everyone's plans have to change particularly in the current economic climate. I wouldn't say anything yet as you don't know that you will get another job and the hours you need. However once you have and do know, I would try and give him as much notice as possible.

 

If you are definitely leaving I don't think you need to discuss the AS thing. If you do end up staying, I suggest getting him drunk at Christmas and telling him then before he goes on his holidays and if it doesn't go so well claim never to have told him such a thing when he gets back and suggest he may have had a little too much to drink!

 

[Tally]

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced he has worked it out. He doesn't seem to think badly of me for it though, so I don't mind that. I just feel weird about keeping it secret.

 

My other concern is that he seems to have many aspie traits himself and I am worried that when I tried to explain it he might think it can't be a disability because he is the same. Unless he already has suspicions about himself . . . Oh, I don't know!

 

Your plan would normally be a good one, but he doesn't drink!

[pearl]

<'> don't feel bad Tally. Its a two-way thing - as far as your boss was concerned you were the right person for the job, as far as you were concerned it was the right job for you right now - but things change. I don't think its worth worrying about what will happen about Christmas & your boss's holiday - after all, you might still be there to help out.

 

He seems like a nice person - he may know someone who is autistic - people often mention the disability they have experience of in these kind of conversations. If you do end up telling him I don't think it would put him in an awkward position as regards DDA, as he employed you without knowing - and you seem to be doing an excellent job anyway & don't need adjustments. If, as your instinct seems to be saying, its best to leave it for the moment, if/when you do tell him he'll already know you as a person & be much less likely to be freaked out.

 

As far as Facebook goes - have you got all the privacy settings on your profile? If so, he should just see only basic information & certainly no photographs.

[Kathryn]

No reason why you should tell him your plans just yet, but if you say honestly that you may have to look around for a job with more hours and money, do you think that would convince the boss to give you a raise? If you're that valuable they may try to offer you incentives to stay. If you like the job and you want to stay, that is!

 

K x

[dee23]

You have two separate issues here:

 

1. Do you have to tell him you might leave?

 

2. Do you have to tell him/does he know you have AS?

 

As people have already said, you are under no obligation to tell him your future plans, beyond mentioning, if you want to, that you would like more hours/pay from a job one day. Lots of people have plans for the future, often they are quite vague - like wanting a job with more hours. I would like that myself at the moment, and have often mentioned it in passing to my boss. He usually responds by wanting a reassurance that i am not about to leave immediately! You do not belong to your boss, there are lots of things that could lead to you wanting or needing to leave your job after christmas.

 

However, have you thought about staying and taking the training to cover for him? Is that something you would want to do? You have obviously made a good impression, and are already trusted enough for him to be thinking about it. And of course, covering for him would probably give you some extra hours, even if only for a while. It would also look good on your CV in any future job applications, that you were given that responsibility. Have you thought about whether it is something you would like to do, and whether you feel able to handle the extra responsibility?

 

As for the AS, i agree he does seem like a nice person, and if he has "worked it out" and his behaviour towards you hasn't changed, then he is probably not judgemental. As for your worry that he may not see AS as a disability, if you remember in your original post, when he mentioned autism, he actually mentioned it as a disability. His remark does sound like it could have been fishing for a confession, although it may help to see it more as "opening the door" for you to tell him if you wanted to. Equally, you are worried about keeping a "secret" from him. Would it help you to think of it as having privacy, rather than keeping secrets? You have not lied to him, you were under no legal obligation to tell him and you have been doing your job well enough to not need adjustments. Keeping secrets can sound so negative, and many of us will have been brought up not to do it, but we are all entitled to privacy, to whatever extent we need it to feel comfortable.

 

You did well to persevere and get a job, and you have done that job well. Please try not to feel bad, and definately don't feel like a fraud! A job interview can be sooo difficult, and for all of us it is a bit of a performance. We try to show ourselves at our best, and concentrate on those things about us most relevant to the job. Everyone does that, it is not lying, just choosing what is most important to say. And i think you were right to think his remarks about please and thankyou were praising your social skills with the customers, and you deserve to congratulate yourself for that too! It is lovely to go in a shop and be spoken to politely, good manners make the world a nicer place for everyone in my opinion! I just hope they are polite back to you in return!

[Tally]

Thank you dee, that is a very good point about privacy and secrecy. I can see the logic in that, now I just have to convince myself of it!

 

Covering for his holidays would give me extra hours when he was on holiday, but it would only be for a week here and there and wouldn't be enough to contribute significantly to my salary. I don't think they can afford to give me a pay rise - in fact I work less hours than my predecessor because they can't afford to cover all her hours.

 

The job is OK, but quite boring and the heat makes me feel very worn out. Most of the customers are polite, but some try to tell you lies or pee their pants. We even had a pair of trousers that someone had pooed in the other day. When I steamed them it made the whole shop smell like a farmyard.

[Kathryn]

We even had a pair of trousers that someone had pooed in the other day. When I steamed them it made the whole shop smell like a farmyard.

 

 

Above and beyond the call of duty I think.. I would definitely want danger money for that!

 

K x

[Tally]

I thought they smelt of horse manure when I took them in, but they had a big poo stain down the inside of the leg. To add insult to injury, it turned out they were machine washable in the first place!

 

Sometimes when people have wet themselves, they have the cheek come back and complain that we have made the zip rusty.

 

I have learned to be wary of clothes that have been brought in wrapped up in a tight ball.

[dee23]

Oh My Goodness!!! What are people thinking of, bringing in clothes like that???? I am lost for words....

[Kathryn]

I think they should be charged at least double!

 

K x

[Tally]

Today a customer asked if my boss was my dad. I am 28 and my boss is 40, so I can't imagine how the customer thought he could be my dad. My boss was very offended by the suggestion!

[pearl]

You could pass for 20 though. Wish I could