dh is upset about not having friends

[rag31]

My dh has a very limited social circle - just a couple of friends he has known since school who live a couple of hours drive from us.

 

I didn't realise until recently that this upsets him and he wants to have friends but just doesn't seem able to make friends with anyone. He finds the initial superficial social stuff easy but stressful, but doesn't know how to become friends with people from there.

 

Does anyone have any experiences/advice that I can pass on to him? I have loads of friends and find it pretty easy, but can't seem to verbalise the process that friendships take to maybe see where he is struggling iykwim...? hmm, probably not explaining this very well - hopefully you get the gist!

 

Thanks,

Becky

[mariag]

Hi becky Does he have any interests/ hobbies, he may meet people that way and then needs to make it a regular. You say that the initial is ok but to contine is difficult for him, after the first contact it is difficult to arrange to see someone again especially if its a chance meeting, but he at an place like a hobbie then its easier to see people again. In another post you say he had an assessment for Asd, if he is suffering from some of the problems it will be harder to make and keep friends, my husband has his first assessment for Asd later today and he has issues with friends too. His fear is that if he arranges to see friends and they cant make it he wants to give up as it hurts him. He hardly ever breaks an arrangement and does not really understand when overs do, pm it knocks his confidence in them. My husband plays football and golf with friends. Hope this helps. Maria x :-)

[Tally]

Hi Becky,

 

I have AS and am in much the same position. Like your husband, I can muddle my way through the initial small talk stage, but don't know how to carry on from there. Every year I go to an event for autistic adults where I meet people I like a lot and enjoy spending time with. Then I don't contact them for the rest of the year

 

When I finished school I didn't keep in touch with anyone even though I had a couple of friends. I would like to have known how they got on in their exams and things, but just didn't know how to stay in touch outside of school.

 

For me it is partly a confidence issue. If, say, I got on well with a person at work, I would never consider asking if they wanted to go out for a drink, because I would assume they were just being polite because we have to work together. It wouldn't cross my mind that they might want to be friends unless they made all the first moves and smade it very clear that they wanted to be friends.

 

Like Maria, I would suggest a hobby is a good way to make friends. Seeing someone regularly is important for me in making friends, because I don't know how to keep in touch with people outside of where I normally see them.

[rag31]

Thank you for your replies - they are very helpful.

 

I think I will suggest taking up a hobby or sport. He has played tennis and golf in the past and enjoys them and made aquaintances but never anything more.

 

A friends' husband also invited him to join the volleyball team which he would enjoy but for some reason he didn't go along - I suppose he didn't know anybody there, and didn't know this guy particularly well.

 

He also is good at muddling through small talk and most people find him easy to talk to on a superficial level, he is outgoing and seems to be enjoying it but he's told me he actually finds it stressful and has started to avoid attending social events now.

 

Thanks,

Becky