What do you do when your boss seems like he might be an aspie?

[Tally]

Since I started my new job, I have become more and more convinced my boss is a bit of an aspie.

 

He didn't get on with other boys at school and still doesn't have any male friends.

He didn't get on with girls at school and still doesn't have any female friends his own age.

(I'm wondering if this is less of a gender-specific issue and more of an inability to understand humans in general.)

He generally had a hard time at school.

He does not live up to typical male stereotypes and is slightly effeminate, I think his father found him a bit of a disappointment in this respect.

Most of his friends are Saturday girls, or ex-Saturday girls, who are now aged 16-25. They all seem to have a lot of problems and talk their troubles over with him, but this does not seem to be reciprocated. They seem to take advantage of him, for example, they expect him to pay when they go out for lunch. One of them keeps trying to sleep with him and he keeps knocking her back. He does not see a problem with any of this. He is 40, so it seems unusual for him to be hanging round with these girls.

He seems to struggle with independent living and his mum still helps him out with things like cleaning his flat and they go shopping together. He only moved out about 3 years ago.

He doesn't want a girlfriend, thinks they are more hassle than they are worth.

He has had a lot of failed relationships and can't understand why they failed.

He gets very upset about the noise his neighbours make, but no one else in his block of flats has noticed the noise (oversensitive to noise???) He thinks the noise is deliberate to annoy him.

He is quite geeky and into computers.

He has an intense, lifelong interest in Dr WHo.

He has very black and white views about moral issues.

He likes me to put the notes in the till with all the queens facing up and toward the back.

 

He also seems to have heard of Asperger Syndrome and autism. Though I haven't told him about my own diagnosis, he may have worked it out through links on my Facebook (I don't mind him knowing, I just don't want to tell him in a "work capacity"). That may be how he knows what they mean.

 

Anyway . . . he seems pretty depressed at the moment. He went to the doctor today, who prescrbed antidepressants. He has been talking to me quite a bit about the things he is depressed about. So many of them seem to be linked to things that might be AS.

 

For example, the thing about the noisy neighbours - if he understood that he was more sensitive to noise than his other neighbours, that might explain why he is the only one bothered by it, rather than thinking the neighbours are deliberately choosing times when other people are out, just to annoy him. It wouldn't stop the noise, but it might stop him getting so stressed out about it that he can't sleep.

 

He feels like he is letting his parents down by not marrying and having children. If he understood that he is different, he might understand that choosing a different lifestyle to his parents is perfectly acceptable if it makes him happy, even though it is not what would have made them happy. It might give him the assertiveness to get his parents to accept this too.

 

See, I'm thinking that, if he does have Asperger's, then understanding that might be key (in the long term) to getting over some of his depression - which has been long-term, although not previously as bad as it is now.

 

I don't know whether I should say anything or what, and how!

[frogslegs]

That is a difficult one. I think I would need to know a person really well to feel confident to suggest that. On the other hand this is how I realised my son had Asperger, when i shared my concerns with a person I vaguely knew and she said, he is like my son and he has Asperger, then it clicked. She then printed something from a website for me to have a look at and then I had no doubt as he met most of the criteria. So that might also be an avenue, leave some sort of brochure around and if he says something, discuss it with him, rather than be too blunt.

[KezT]

I think it would be best to do it in a roundabout way - talk about your experience & knowledge of aspie traits, and see if he says that sounds like him. If he doesn't recognise it or admot it, he is not going to thank you for suggesting it. If he agrees that sounds a lot like him, he is probably going to be a receptive to the suggestion that he could get some help.

 

 

[concernedmummy]

Hi Tally, this seems like a very sensitive situation to me and I understand that you just want to help your boss. I think what you have to bear in mind is that your boss is already being treated for depression so is already feeling quite vunerable.

I think maybe like has already been suggested to go about this in a roundabout way, chat to him about your experiences and see how the land lies.

I am quite sure that someone close to me is an aspie, in fact I am pretty much convinced, I haven't pushed any conversation about it as when I brought up the possibility he was adamant that I was 'reading too much into things'. I think he is basically happy with how things are for him and doesn't want to see it.

Maybe look for some info just about the sensitive hearing for him to read, it isn't only related to people on the spectrum.

 

Good luck

[Tally]

Thanks everyone

 

I wouldn't normally ever say anything to anyone if I thought they might have AS, it's just that his situation is pretty rubbish and it could help in the long term. He definitely knows he is "different." If he said he didn't think so, I would leave it at that.

 

I might try suggesting that he look up something on sensory processing, since he does have such sensitive hearing. It is likely to have links to info on ASD, which he might come back and ask me about.

[KezT]

I am quite sure that someone close to me is an aspie, in fact I am pretty much convinced, I haven't pushed any conversation about it as when I brought up the possibility he was adamant that I was 'reading too much into things'. I think he is basically happy with how things are for him and doesn't want to see it.

 

 

Good luck

 

Ditto - everyone close to someone I know knows he is Aspie, but he won't hear a word of it He was even tested for autism as a toddler, but didn't quite "make the grade" back in the very early 70's cos his speach was so advanced.... but he has his life sorted and is happy with the way things are - so it is not our place to tell him stuff he doesn't want or need to hear. (although sometimes I gossip to his mum - it makes her feel better about his childhood LOL)