Accepting dx

[dana]

Hi,

 

I've written in some of my previous posts that I finally told my son(10) about his ASD (HF Autism) and Dyspraxia dx.

At first he accepted it (didn't like the word 'disorder' so we changed it to HF autism).

Recently he denys it, even loughing at it, saying 'I don't have Dyspraxia or this HF-whatever-it-is-called. It is just the way I am!'

He is very upset because the school let him do SATS in a separate, quiet room with his TA and another teacher, who he likes. Also they are giving him additional 5 minutes to complete his tasks. I told him that this is all really a good thing that they are trying to help him focus better during SATS and even give him more time to finish the exam. However, he told me that he is upset because he is separated from the rest of his class and doesn't like it. Than he said that he didn't need any help and didn't have any ASD or Dyspraxia. He told me that he had a dream in which nobody wanted to play with him on the playground. I told him that these are only SATS and none of the pupils have fun doing them together and is not the same like on the playground but he is still upset.

I feel at this point bad to try to convince him that he does have ASD and Dys. and don't know whether to do it or to wait untill he is older and perhaps he by himself to accept it.

Any advice greatly ppreciated.

 

Danaxxx

[call me jaded]

Maybe he's seeking reassurance that he is as he has always been and nothing has changed, but then got thrown by being different at SATS. I'd have a word with school and see what they think.

[Sally44]

Something I have noticed about my own son is a need for 'sameness'. This isn't the same as routine. It is about making sense out of chaos. So when anything is different it throws a million questions into his head. For example he went on a cubs walk at the weekend. When we arrived there some of the children were dressed as clowns. That upset him because he was in everyday clothes. The 'theme' of the walk was the circus and I had already talked that through with him and explained that it wasn't a circus, but that some people would be dressed as clowns and that some of the games would be from a circus. He appeared to understand, but the difference still threw him. Then he saw two other children in cubs uniform. He started to cry saying he was stupid and should have put on his uniform. So I explained that they had chosen to wear their uniform, and that he didn't have to wear his. He was only happy when some other kids turned up in everyday clothes. So there is a natural seeking of sameness as that reduces anxiety about expectations etc.

 

So your son may well be holding onto any 'sameness' he sees in other children and is trying to include himself in that 'group' because it helps him understand better. I would suggest lots of discussion and drawings about people being 'the same' and yet also 'different'. And also what that difference might mean.

 

For example a drawing of three children, all the same age, at the same school, wearing the same uniform. One child has to wear glasses. It is better if he sits at the front of the classroom. etc etc. And slowly build it up and then start to include his differences. That may help him get a better understanding that although we are all the same on some levels, we are all different on others.

 

It also helps for you and school to look at ways that support can be given without it being so obvious eg. 5 mins 1:1 with a TA before (to outline what the lesson is about, which can be backed up with a printed out sheet of pictures and words) and after a lesson (to consolidate what was taught, and what the homework is if any) might be better than 10 minutes during the lesson which you son does not want.

 

And I would only give as much information as he is requesting.

[dana]

 

Thank you for your replies.

 

Sally, I think that some of your ideas are very good and it is very possible that my son wants to be the same like his classmates, to be part of them. Sadly, he does not know how to relate to them, he annoys them at the moment by inappropriate behaviour, including the copyng their silly behaviours. They don't like him and use every opportunity to show to the teachers how bad he is, even when it is not the case. I am trying to explain to him that he has to stop annoying them if he wants to build some friendships but for him it is not easy because he does not know how else to relate to them. So it is a vicious circle. The school did organize the Circle of Friends for him in the past and they are promissing to do it again with voluntiers but I don't know when it is going to happen. Anyway, this didn't help much in the past. He literally doesn't have any friends now but is desperate to have some at the same time. He has a private SALT, specialised in communication and socialising and also working with children with ASD. She comes once a month (we cannot afford more, it is paid from his DLA) but at the moment this doesn't seem that help much.(I also work with him according to her instructions).

 

Jaded, I will speak with the school but I have a feeling that because it is his last term at this school that they are not that keen to help him now. Also they want him to score good in SATS, which I understand.

 

Danaxxx

 

 

[call me jaded]

Jaded, I will speak with the school but I have a feeling that because it is his last term at this school that they are not that keen to help him now. Also they want him to score good in SATS, which I understand.

 

Danaxxx

 

It's incredibly difficult to get the balance right, isn't it? At least the pressure will be off towards the end of this week. Does the school do fun things afterwrads?

[baddad]

I think if you just talk about AS in a natural way around the house/in these situations he'll just grow to accept that this is part of (as he says) 'how he is' - and not something outside or bolted onto 'how he is'.

With my son we have lots of jokes about stuff like this and keep it all good humoured...

Can't think of a good 'autism' example, but the other day we were driving along and he had his glasses off because he was playing his DS, and i noticed a sign just as i was coming up to a junction and had to concentrate on the road. So i said 'quick - what does that sign say' and he said 'I don't know, i can't see it without my specs', so i shouted (in a homer simpson sort of way) 'Aggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh - damn you and you speccy little eyes!' He and called me an idiot.

As I say, that's not a good 'autism' example, but that kind of stuff might come up about his foot-tapping, or his clumsiness (dyspraxia) or concentration whatever, and it all helps him to see that it's just part of the equation and that it's not a negative.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Sally44]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Sally, I think that some of your ideas are very good and it is very possible that my son wants to be the same like his classmates, to be part of them. Sadly, he does not know how to relate to them, he annoys them at the moment by inappropriate behaviour, including the copyng their silly behaviours. They don't like him and use every opportunity to show to the teachers how bad he is, even when it is not the case. I am trying to explain to him that he has to stop annoying them if he wants to build some friendships but for him it is not easy because he does not know how else to relate to them. So it is a vicious circle. The school did organize the Circle of Friends for him in the past and they are promissing to do it again with voluntiers but I don't know when it is going to happen. Anyway, this didn't help much in the past. He literally doesn't have any friends now but is desperate to have some at the same time. He has a private SALT, specialised in communication and socialising and also working with children with ASD. She comes once a month (we cannot afford more, it is paid from his DLA) but at the moment this doesn't seem that help much.(I also work with him according to her instructions).

 

Jaded, I will speak with the school but I have a feeling that because it is his last term at this school that they are not that keen to help him now. Also they want him to score good in SATS, which I understand.

 

Danaxxx

 

At school my son has one 'friend' in his class. I've no idea what that 'means' in real terms. Outside of school he is avoided, bullied, hit/pushed, ignored alot of the time. Everyone says how 'great' it is that he wants to join in. But without the skills it is painful to watch. At the same cubs gathering two boys were wearing hats and talking to eachother. One child's hat was like a jesters hat. My son kept hitting the bobbles repeatedly to the annoyance of the boy. Amazingly the boys did not retaliate (they know him as they were at the same school together previously). Then my son kept interrupting them. He was holding a keyring the taxi driver gave to him and kept repeating "the taxi driver gave me this, is says 69, 11, 11."

I really don't know what to suggest. Sometimes there seems so much that you just don't know where to start. But eventually pick on one functional skill he does not have and start working just on that.

My husband also teases my son alot. In a good humoured way. Sometimes my son seems to be able to take it. On other occasions it all goes pear shaped. On the one hand I think this is getting him used to everyday life. On the other hand it leaves me to pick up the pieces afterwards, which can be emotionally draining.

 

[baddad]

My husband also teases my son alot. In a good humoured way. Sometimes my son seems to be able to take it. On other occasions it all goes pear shaped. On the one hand I think this is getting him used to everyday life. On the other hand it leaves me to pick up the pieces afterwards, which can be emotionally draining.

 

Occasionally it goes 'wrong' for us too - but less often than it goes right, iyswim. I'm always quick to apologise if i've genuinely upset him (and it works the other way too - his 'shots' at me can sometimes sting!), but that said he doesn't take things to heart anyway, so there's not usually that many pieces to pick up, so it may be more a 'horses for courses' thing. But if you can do the same thing - the casual stuff - without the humour, that'll probably help too.

 

L&P

 

BD