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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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UtterDoclector

Friend advice/venting

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Okay, this is gonna be a long one.

 

When I went to college at september last year, I met a girl (let's name her "Lucy", not the real name, just in case they find this site), I liked her, she just liked me as a friend, went out with other friend (Codenamed "Jake"), blah blah blah, same old story. By about mid year, I was over it and I was good friends with everyone involved. Lucy said Jake broke up with her, and a couple of weeks later, she wanted to talk to me in private, and she confessed to me that she dumped Jake because she had feelings for a girl she knew, and she wanted to have someone to confide in.

 

I helped her, and for a short while we were really good friends. Meanwhile, I also helped Jake anytime he was depressed about the issue, of course, not telling him about Lucy's current situation. Put this on top of the fact that I had bottled up my upset feelings about Lucy going out with jake for half a year beforehand so they could be happy, and they both owe me alot right? According to them, wrong.

 

A few months ago, Lucy and Jake got back together randomly. Instantly, Lucy forgot I ever did anything for her. She treated me like her worst enemy, her body language, the awful stares she'd give me, everything told me that she wanted me to go away. So I did. I seperated myself from my friends just to keep them happy. By last half term, I was fed up of them. Really angry, all the time I saw them, and the whole class thought they were mr and mrs perfect, like something out of a fairy tale. At half term, I tried to confide in Jake through text, who ignored me. Finally, I decided to push them out of my life completely for the week, to try and calm down. I even deleted them from my xbox live friends list, just so I didn't see them and get angry, of course, I sent Jake a message to explain, knowing there would be no reasoning with Lucy as she hated me already. Jake, formerly one of the most understanding people I could ever hope to meet, bit my head off.

 

It was like I never did anything for them. I had suffered, cried, isolated myself just so they could be happy, now I just wanted a little space, a little me time, and they rejected me. I tried to apologise to Jake, who ignored me, again. The time alone, though, did me a world of good. Free of being a servent to their relationship, I had one of the best weeks I ever had in a long time. I almost felt normal for once in my life.

 

When I went back to college, the pair instantly told me they hated me through the looks they gave me. I've been angry anytime I've been in college ever since. Anytime I see them, anytime I hear them, it reminds me of everything I gave for them, and how they stabbed me in the back in return. I think Lucy was nothing but a bully all along. Bullies like seeing people hurt, they compulsively need to hurt people, that fits Lucy's description perfectly. And Jake just isn't the person he was. Jake gave me faith that I wasn't the only good person left on the rock. But he gave his morals up so easily. I'm sick of it. I know they're telling lies about me, hiding what really happened. Making everyone hate me, that's what bullies do, I know it all too well.

 

I want them to pay for this, tbh. This isn't how relationships work, they should've sorted out their own problems, not give them to a person who they could simply dispose of at a later date. What's worse, is Lucy keeps trying her lies on me. Trying to add me on facebook, trying to talk to me. I know she just has another problem she wants to dump on me and then hate me when she doesn't need me anymore. At least there is one thing about this I know that's turned out right, and that's Lucy's former girlfriend. I hadn't seen her for a while and I was afraid she had taken an even worse blow from all this than I have and hurt herself, but I saw her a couple of days ago, and she seems over it.

 

I have one plan. I tell the truth to everyone. That way, I have people on my side, and they have to sort their own problems for a change.

 

What does everyone think? Should I tell everyone the truth? Or is there a better way to deal with this? Despite all they've done, for some reason I still don't want to hurt them, (I hate having a conciense sometimes, god knows they don't) but if this is the only way to get out of this, I'll have to. I'm not staying angry like this and ending up exploding.

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Tally   

I can see why you are hurt and angry. You thought these people were your friends and invested emotionally in them, and now all of a sudden they hate you and you don't know why. That is a very hurtful thing to happen.

 

However, I don't think you will achieve anything by telling everyone your side of the story. I think it will just backfire on you. In reality, no one actually gives a toss what has gone wrong between you and your friends. They just want the sniping to stop. If you inflame the situation by spreading gossip, it's only you they're going to be annoyed with. People are going to interpret what you're saying as that you supported Jake when he was feeling depressed over the breakdown of his relationship, and that Lucy is secretly a lesbian, and that now you're telling everyone all their private secrets because you feel they owe you for your friendship. It will just make you look vindictive and people may well not believe you anyway.

 

I think you need to take two separate approaches.

 

Firstly, you need a way to channel your anger that is not going to backfire on you. So talk to someone outside of the situation. Maybe your parents or a friend you know from outside of college. Do whatever you need to in order to deal with the anger and hurt you are feeling, but AWAY from anyone who knows the people involved personally. Maybe your college have some kind of counsellor or someone you could talk to about it.

 

And then secondly, how to handle the awkward situation in college. I think you need to keep your head down and stay away from the people you've fallen out with. Maybe you could see if there are any clubs or sports teams you could join to widen your social circle outside of the people who are friends with Jake and Lucy.

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However, I don't think you will achieve anything by telling everyone your side of the story. I think it will just backfire on you. In reality, no one actually gives a toss what has gone wrong between you and your friends. They just want the sniping to stop. If you inflame the situation by spreading gossip, it's only you they're going to be annoyed with. People are going to interpret what you're saying as that you supported Jake when he was feeling depressed over the breakdown of his relationship, and that Lucy is secretly a lesbian, and that now you're telling everyone all their private secrets because you feel they owe you for your friendship. It will just make you look vindictive and people may well not believe you anyway.
But surely, if I don't tell anyone the truth, they're just going to believe their version of events, and eventually, everyone will hate me, leaving them free to physically harm me without the worry of anyone present who would disaprove?

 

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right chap, im guessing you're a teenager, i don't know what age you are though.

 

it has been a tough situation for you and i have just gone through hell and back with a relationship myself which has upset me quite a lot. My advice is (and this is coming from a fellow Aspergers' guy) leave the girls alone for a while, i know that may sound rediculous but be patient, if its one thing i have learnt and no offence meant to females here at all, but i found that girls between the ages of 14 -17 can be extremely bitchy people, and i have fallen foul of them a few times.

 

also PM me if you want, im here to talk about it if you want to :)

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Tally   
But surely, if I don't tell anyone the truth, they're just going to believe their version of events, and eventually, everyone will hate me, leaving them free to physically harm me without the worry of anyone present who would disaprove?

 

No, I think that if you tell everyone your side of the story, you will just annoy them and they probably won't believe you anyway. Jake and Lucy are probably annoying everyone by going on about it. I would keep your head down, be the bigger man, and let people make up their own minds about your personality based on what they see and not on what other people say about you.

 

As far as most of the other students see, you have fallen out with your friends, and maybe they have told everyone you're really annoying. That is not likely to lead to physical violence. However, if you inflame the situation by saying things about Jake and Lucy, which other people may think are lies, other people are likely to get even more annoyed with you than if you just keep quiet.

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cmuir   

Hi

 

That's a difficult one. Firstly, whilst I think you were a good friend to both of them and did something admirable (whilst you had feelings for one of them, you kept out of it and allowed their relationship to develop), a friendship isn't about being 'owed' anything. Usually, a friendship is a relationship whereby you and the friend provide mutual support, look out for each other - for true friends, it's a two way thing which comes naturally (ie it's not grudged, no one is beholden to the other, etc etc). I think when that doesn't happen, I'd question whether the party concerned is a true friend. Also, I think a big issue is the way in which people communicate with each other using IT. Texting is fantastic for sending quick messages, but when attempting to resolve issues, it can be really impersonal and things can be misread - much better to communicate by phone or in person as tone of voice is important in 'reading' a situation. It can be easy for one to think that the 'tone' (even though there isn't one) of a text is stroppy, when in fact, it wasn't meant to be. If at all possible, and if you feel the friendship is work trying to retrieve, I'd try and speak to them in person - could say something along the lines of 'I realise there's been a bit of bad feeling, but I'd like to put it behind us and be friends as I valued our friendship' (or something along those lines which you'd feel comfortable saying). If they won't entertain the idea, they're simply not worth the bother. Rather than telling everyone, sometimes it's best to keep a dignified silence. However, if it's likely to damage other potential new friendships, it's may be worth having a discreet word and clarifying things. Friendships/relationships can be very difficult and there's no easy way of resolving situations.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

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westie   

Obviously I do not know the full situation and story but from what I have read there is the possibility that Lucy may be embarrased or confused and not wanting Jake to find out about her relationship with the girl you mention. She has distanced herself from you because it reminds her of it, coupled with the fact that you know about it (and maybe she is aware on one level of the feelings you had for her as more than a friend) she may on one level fear that you will tell Jake - I am assuming he is not aware of the relationship with the girl. When people break up with a partner and then have a relationship in between and get back with the original partner then it may be difficult to discuss or think about what happened in between) I would think that Jake, if he knows nothing about this other relationship or the tensions between you and Lucy or the fact you have had "more than a friend" feelings for her may not have picked up anything other than out of the blue you have removed him from your friend list on xbox and texted him to say you do not want to hang around with them any more??

 

I am not justifying their behaviour and saying they are right by the way, just trying to figure out how it may have developed - and I may be completely off track.

 

I would not recommend you tell everyone the things they have confided in you, it may backfire. If you make new friends and they find out they may think you will tell everyone things they say to you in confidence.

 

Maybe you should instead try to speak to Lucy in private (face to face if possible) as the main issues seems to be around her and her attitude towards you, and then you can explain how you feel she has treated you wrongly and give her the chance to explain why she has behaved in this way towards you. After this you will hopefully know why she has acted in that way. She may even apologise and this may allow you to rebuild your friendship with Jake (if you want to, and of course this may also have to be planned but if you resolve things with Lucy then this may make it easier).

 

I think if you do have a counsellor in college then it is worth talking through things with them if you can, they will be objective and not force you to take a particular course of action but will keep what you say in confidence (unless they fear harm to yourself or others).

 

Why do you feel they will psychically attack you? If this is the case then they are not friends and dont go near them but report your concerns to an lecturer, or a counsellor, in college. They will not divulge information about Jake and Lucy's private lives to others, but will be able to offer some advice about your own safety.

 

If it is making you so unhappy at college that is not good, are there any groups or anything you could join to make friends?

I read your other post about losing your xbox friends and it sounds like you are feeling quite isolated at the minute, is this situation with these two the start of that or just one more thing adding to your feelings?

 

Maybe you could start an xbox gaming group on facebook, and invite people from your college and others to join and chat about xbox/ gaming and this will meean you can build new friendships with others who are interested in the same things as you?

 

Take care I hope you find a way forward X

Edited by westie

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BuntyB   

I really feel for you. My son had a similar expereince and I think dealing with the complexities of relationships and fall outs can be really, really hard! You are bound to wan the truth to be known, because you are an honest person and that feels the right thing to do, but I agree with the people on here; it's better sometime to walk away from difficult situations and find friendships elsewhere.

i notice you say that you see how they hate you by the way they look at you, and yet they want to add you as friends on facebook. Is it possible that you could misinterpret these 'looks'? You'll probably think I'm horrible to say this, but I know from experince that people's 'looks' are hard to interpret and when you feel vulnerable it's easy to think the worst... however, associating with these two is obviously distressing you.

I think mixing with others if you can would be helpful, as is confiding in a counsellor or tutor if you find it affecting your studies. You will eventually find people who appreciate the qualities you have and won't dump you or tell lies.

Very best of luck!

Sx

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anewman   

Sometimes people will look unusual if they are looking furtively and unsure if they should speak with you, I guess this could be misinterpreted as giving a nasty stare, which if you interpret it as so and send signals back or appear blank will make them feel like they do not want to talk to you. FWIW if they have tried to add you as friends on Facebook I would allow it, but not initiate any contact with them. If they start bullying by tagging you in random stupid pictures or adding ###### to your wall then quickly block them and delete the content. It may be that they will message you about the issues, thereby inviting you to talk about them. Otherwise as mentioned above I would try to draw a line under it all.

 

If people put more faith in what other people have to say about you, rather than who you really are, more the fool them really. I find myself reminded of the first episode of Star Trek Voyager where Tom Paris and Harry Kim become friends, despite what other officers had told Harry about Tom. video link

Edited by anewman

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