smiley1590 Report post Posted August 13, 2010 on tuesday morning had a session with N.A.S support worker went on bus down town then waited for a bus to come take us up the crem to see my nan and grandad's grave we stayed there for abit chucked away flowers as had died the sat on bench for abit talking to support worker . we mean't to catch bus outside the crem but couldn't face it as could feel anx and panic 'bubbly madly' rising within me i marched off and support worker walked behind me then hospital bout mile down the road got to crossing and walked up and down entrance of the hospital for abit then walked down the hill as could see my support worker when in this state i run off and hide for abit i couldn't stop shaking my legs like jelly my whole body and ramble to myself don't know what i say .... she said that i would upset other patients and families on ward if went in shouting and asking for my nan .... i just totally flipped out spaced out i didn't want to think care nothing just wanted to run away shut world out and down all too much! caving in on me can't cope! my nan would so angry upset with me acting in this way but feel i have no control over it but it makes feel bad guilty wrong .... my support worker couldn't understand lost and confused herself as we'd just been to the crem ...!!! i had no explanation no reason to give her no fit state really! i sat on grass i have let her know before that hearing ambulances troggers me anx /panic as i associate that with my nan travelling to hospital for last time she moved me away from hospital she said " come on shall we take a slow walk back" she went firm harsh as she said today she felt soft is not the approach she thought help me snap out of this numbness blankness .....!!! felt like different person NOT me in it felt like i watching from outside! she said if she hadn't have found me she had let people know panic alarm type system get in touch with other N.A.S seniors i think and my parents .... i think went though depersonalation and derealistion as read on forum and what this person says i feel same so don't know! http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ate/depression/205693.html my parents have said i'm more touchy irratable moody etc i then caught up with support worker down the road to other entrance of the hospital she on the phone at the time and kept saying " we NEED to gi in there to get her out she in there i know she is" we NEED take her home" she said to me " we just come from the crem though so know know deep down the truth you need to be open and honest about how you thinking and feeling let people in to hel;p and support you that's what we here for" i felt zoned out zombified in my 'own world' i get really strange weird havn't got in this mental state when used to have anger rages meltdown outbursts in past! i am moving soon with parents and twin brother so all change ... i'm anxious on edge about facing alot of things head on i try avoid pretend i'm ok fake! i don't know what happened to me on tuesday but scared me i speaking to support worker today i asked did it scare her she said she more worried about my safety what i'd do next .... as that road a main road so busy by hospital crem etc but i couldn't care if get run over when like that i don't think things through i not rational the pressure gets too much i'm like ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any point ...... i watched casualty on saturday night and about woman dying of cancer ( though my nan didn't have cancer but terminal illness) felt like watching my nan so emotional tears running down my face .... don't know if that triggered strong emotions in me which caused all this along with other stuff going on ..... everything finding at struggle everything bad worse at the moment! i think build up ..... my pyschologist i see weekly i updated her on situation which happened on tuesday and she said if carry on way i am you getting point of emotional burn out .... she reckons it stress causing this at the moment the gagging has come back like going to be sick told pyscholoigst she reckons connected linked with everything going on and that the feeling i have over it feeling ashamed digusted and disbelief about how i get in such a state in first place and guilt main factor ...... i don't feel like eating ... going to sleep at 1am and skipped meds ( parexotine) 20mg got low ebb stuck in trapped black bleak hole work not finding enjoyable but an effort a chore .... i go jogging everyday but have SH thoughts even doing that feel triggered heightened alot when alone tempted with urges calling me in hard to resist! i feel sick alot more headaches and bowel motion more don't know if connected! i'm exercising loads that don't seem to distract me even! feel like going mad,crazy losing the plot over life .... has anyone had similiar exerience of situation which happened to me on tuesday ??!! my mood thoughts emotions dipped so low level ..... my support worker had annual leave last week back for 2 sessions this week off now for 2 weeks suppose to see her on friday but move on thursday so might be too busy to fit her in as helping with unpacking boxes .... prob see her first week in sept but that been on and off too so routine been everywhere aswell that confused mucked me up alot frustrates angers me don't think that helps matters especially mental health playing up! 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smiley1590 Report post Posted August 14, 2010 really need advice here PLEASE!!! HELP ... feel like i hit a brick with everything feel like everything in slow motion finding life harder to face each day! ..... anyone's child family member had what i described above?! XKX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
