Female NT with Male Aspergers Partner

[Jewlie1975]

Hello all,

 

I have joined this forum to share my experiences and hopefully get to hear the experiences of others who have aspergers or have someone near and dear to them with aspergers. I believe that by sharing our stories we can support each other and expand our knowledge I have a new partner who has Aspergers. I love to spend time with him, especially when it's just the two of us as we are very close on many levels. He is very supportive and caring towards me. The thing I struggle with is Society's reactions and judgments of someone who at times obviously differs from the norm. And as much as it shames me to admit it, at times I can feel very uncomfortable and this influences my feelings towards him.

 

He tells me often that he has been discriminated against time and time again in the past and I can imagine there is truth in this. I do wonder though whether his straight talking, strong and questioning personality can put peoples back out and they then become defensive and arguementitive towards him, which he then see as discrimination due to his sensitivity.

 

Has anyone had any similiar experiences?

 

Bye for now,

 

Julie

[Paula]

Theres a good book called liveing with mr spock its about a nt woman in a relationship with a asperger male........i read it years ago it can be got online at jessica kingsley publications........i think youd find it interesting .......my son is the asperger one but i still found it of interest to read about a relaitionship with an asperger partner.its none fictional.........

[Tally]

Hi Julie, and welcome to the forum.

 

My experiences have been different because I am the one with Asperger's.

 

However, I can understand why you sometimes feel embarrassed when your boyfriend acts strange. He may be unaware of how he can come across to others, but that doesn't change what other people see.

 

You're probably right that your boyfriend has experienced genuine discrimination. You're probably also right that sometimes it is the result of him putting people's backs up. When you experience a negative response from someone and can't see what you might have done to warrant it, it's easy to feel like you have received undeserved discrimination. If this is something that happens often then it's understandable it can get to you and make you feel very got at.

 

Maybe one way you can help is by talking situations through with him after the event and once the upset is over. Because it might be very difficult for him to see things from another person's point of view, he might need someone to help him work out what other people might have been thinking.

[Jewlie1975]

Theres a good book called liveing with mr spock its about a nt woman in a relationship with a asperger male........i read it years ago it can be got online at jessica kingsley publications........i think youd find it interesting .......my son is the asperger one but i still found it of interest to read about a relaitionship with an asperger partner.its none fictional.........

 

Many thanks for taking the time to reply Kilimanjaro- I will look into it. Are you also in a relationship with a partner with Aspergers? Jules

[Jewlie1975]

Hi Julie, and welcome to the forum.

 

My experiences have been different because I am the one with Asperger's.

 

However, I can understand why you sometimes feel embarrassed when your boyfriend acts strange. He may be unaware of how he can come across to others, but that doesn't change what other people see.

 

You're probably right that your boyfriend has experienced genuine discrimination. You're probably also right that sometimes it is the result of him putting people's backs up. When you experience a negative response from someone and can't see what you might have done to warrant it, it's easy to feel like you have received undeserved discrimination. If this is something that happens often then it's understandable it can get to you and make you feel very got at.

 

Maybe one way you can help is by talking situations through with him after the event and once the upset is over. Because it might be very difficult for him to see things from another person's point of view, he might need someone to help him work out what other people might have been thinking.

 

 

 

Hi Tally,

 

Thanks for your well thought out and supportive message. Yes I do try and do as you suggested and explain the other person's perspective to him. He actually does try and act on this advise but I find that I need to constantly remind him as otherwise he falls back into the same way of relating to others. I dont mind doing this but sometimes I feel like he see's me as a nag! Also there will be situations- for example at work with employers and other employers where I will be unable to advise him and I'm scared what will happen there. He's been out of work for a very long time and I'm concerned about how he will cope in interviews and then the unpredictable day to day situations and people at work.In my experience it is a minority of people who are opened minded and accepting of people that are ''unconventional'. What do you think?

 

Jules

 

P.S- Last night we had dinner at his parent's house and he became intensely focused on talking about films (mainly to his Dad, as his mum is usually one talking to me), more so then when he is around me. I mentioned this to him and he said that usually if I hadn't been there his parents would have said that he was going on abit about it! He also said he may have been doing it as it was his comfort zone. Do you know what he means by that? He talks ALOT now, ( mainly revolving around film and abit of science) it can be very draining and as a child he said he rarely spoke at all and then had an awful stammer until about 6 years ago.

Edited October 4, 2010 by mossgrove

[mossgrove]

Hi Tally,

 

Thanks for your well thought out and supportive message. Yes I do try and do as you suggested and explain the other person's perspective to him. He actually does try and act on this advise but I find that I need to constantly remind him as otherwise he falls back into the same way of relating to others. I dont mind doing this but sometimes I feel like he see's me as a nag! Also there will be situations- for example at work with employers and other employers where I will be unable to advise him and I'm scared what will happen there. He's been out of work for a very long time and I'm concerned about how he will cope in interviews and then the unpredictable day to day situations and people at work.In my experience it is a minority of people who are opened minded and accepting of people that are ''unconventional'. What do you think?

 

Jules

 

P.S- Last night we had dinner at his parent's house and he became intensely focused on talking about films (mainly to his Dad, as his mum is usually one talking to me), more so then when he is around me. I mentioned this to him and he said that usually if I hadn't been there his parents would have said that he was going on abit about it! He also said he may have been doing it as it was his comfort zone. Do you know what he means by that? He talks ALOT now, ( mainly revolving around film and abit of science) it can be very draining and as a child he said he rarely spoke at all and then had an awful stammer until about 6 years ago.

 

 

Hi Jules

 

I edited you post to take the comments put of the quote box.

 

To someone on the spectrum the world can be a confusing and scary place at times. Many people, especially with Aqspergers, will become incredibly knowledgable about specific subject area or 'Special Interest' as being able to speak about something when they they feel knowledgable and in control is a lot easier than talking about subjecta they are not familiar with. Trains are a popular special interest because of the wealth of factual information that is out there, and being knowledgable about specific films may well fall into the same category especially if the discussion surrounds names, places and dates concerned with the making of the film rather than it's emotional content.

 

Simon

Edited October 4, 2010 by mossgrove