Questioning an answer

[Mumble]

Something I've noticed and now I've noticed it I'm aware of it happening really often and it's bugging me. I've heard people doing this with other people so I know it's not just me.

 

When people ask me a question, usually a simple question with a yes or no answer and I give my answer, they don't accept that, but ask again. So I get conversations like this:

 

NT1: Are you cold Mumble?

Me: No

NT1: Are you sure?

Me: Yes

 

NT2: Are you hungry Mumble?

Me: No

NT2: Are you sure?

Me: Yes

NT2: Have you eaten today?

Me: Yes

NT2: Are you sure?

Me: Yes

 

It's starting to irritate me a little now, especially as I'm focused on it. Is "Are you sure" a usual turn of phrase? What point does it serve? I feel like they're not believing me which upsets me because I don't lie.

[call me jaded]

Mumble: Thank you but I already have a mother.

Edited September 23, 2010 by call me jaded

[Mumble]

Mumble: Thank you but I already have a mother.

I don't understand. What have I said wrong?

[call me jaded]

Sorry, I'm being obscure

 

I am saying that your response to people who question your answers is to say (with a smile): 'Thank you, I already have a mother' which is quite a gentle way of telling them that they are being too intrusive.

[Mumble]

Oh, okay, I thought you were saying something with an implied meaning directly to me and that the Mumble bit was addressing me. Yes, that would make sense as a reply with some of those questions I gave as examples, but I've heard other normal people using it too, so was wondering if it's normal and I'm possibly misunderstanding it and also not using it when I should, for instance, there were two other students in the room yesterday, one went to make themselves some coffee:

 

Student 1 (to student 2): Do you want some coffee?

Student 2: No thanks, I've probably had too much already.

Student 1: Are you sure?

Student 2: Yeah, I'm fine thanks

 

If I was student 1 here (but I wouldn't be because I don't like coffee) and had asked student 2 (hmm, okay, if hypothetically I had remembered that I should offer to make drinks for others...) and student 2 had said 'no' I would have just left it at that, I'm now wondering if I'm supposed to be questioning? I'm probably just totally over-analysing this and now of course hearing it all the time when actually it's possibly not used as much as I'm perceiving it to be.

[Kathryn]

Oops - I hadn't thought about it but I think I say it to my family a fair bit! Depending on the context it can be mildly challenging and probing - "I haven't got any homework tonight" - "Are you sure? " as in "I find that hard to believe - are you serious?" Or between equals in a social situation it can be an indication of genuine concern for welfare and a desire to be friendly and hospitable, (as in your coffee example above). That's probably me overanalysing!

 

Whether you should use it yourself- if it doesn't come naturally, I would say don't worry. I think in most cases it's just a conversation filler - an optional device to keep communication going. I would think an "OK" or some other neutral acknowledgement would do just as well.

 

K x

[baddad]

 

 

It's starting to irritate me a little now

 

Are you sure about that?

 

[Mumble]

Are you sure about that?

 

Yes, I'm sorry, I know I'm going on about something that probably seems really trivial to most people, but the more self aware I become, the more little doubts creep in about whether I'm responding correctly when before I may not even have noticed them and I worry now about times previously when I haven't responded correctly but also carried on completely oblivious to the fact I may have done the wrong thing. I'm acutely aware that in a year I'm going to have to face the big bad world, and although I've done this before, I'm now doing it with a greater awareness of my issues. That saying about ignorance being bliss really is true.

[Sally44]

I would say it is not such an important social phrase that you need to try to learn to use it yourself.

Some examples of why it is used have been given.

You might also use it if you felt the person had refused because they felt it was the right thing to do. Eg. offering to buy them their coffee. They might initially refuse out of politness. But if the other person really wanted to pay the bill for both of them as a friendly gesture they might challenge the response with "are you sure", which might really mean "Its okay, I really want to do it." Because sometimes out of social politness we might offer to do things that we really don't want to do and the other person refuses our offer and we are okay with that. But if we really want to do it then we might ask them "are you are".

When you start to really analyse it, it does become so much more complex than it seems at the time.

I suppose that is the difference.

But I tend to use it more with family, and I suppose it is a way of showing caring.

Just don't feel challenged or intimidated by it. Just say "Yes, I'm sure, thanks."

[Karen A]

Yes, I'm sorry, I know I'm going on about something that probably seems really trivial to most people, but the more self aware I become, the more little doubts creep in about whether I'm responding correctly when before I may not even have noticed them and I worry now about times previously when I haven't responded correctly but also carried on completely oblivious to the fact I may have done the wrong thing. I'm acutely aware that in a year I'm going to have to face the big bad world, and although I've done this before, I'm now doing it with a greater awareness of my issues. That saying about ignorance being bliss really is true.

 

I think it worth remembering that the person asking the question might have just as many issues as you if not far more.

They may question the other person because they believe they should make coffee for everyone and cannot accept that anyone would say no to them.

They may believe that the coffee they make is so good that it is an insult for anyone not to want to drink it.

They may want to look after everyone or some people or the other person and not be happy that the other person does not want to have coffee made for them.

 

All of these are ways that people can react in that have nothing to do with the other person but are to do with the person making the coffee.There is no correct response in this situation.So please do not worry too much about being correct.

 

I remember an exchange between my mum and my husband that we still laugh about even after mum has been dead for five years.

Mum who was always very sure of her own opinions told husband who I had been married to for eighteen years ''You do take sugar in your tea don't you''.

Even after husband told her for the third time that he had never taken sugar in his tea she insisted he did.

Edited September 24, 2010 by Karen A

[baddad]

Yes, I'm sorry, I know I'm going on about something that probably seems really trivial to most people, but the more self aware I become, the more little doubts creep in about whether I'm responding correctly when before I may not even have noticed them and I worry now about times previously when I haven't responded correctly but also carried on completely oblivious to the fact I may have done the wrong thing. I'm acutely aware that in a year I'm going to have to face the big bad world, and although I've done this before, I'm now doing it with a greater awareness of my issues. That saying about ignorance being bliss really is true.

 

 

That was a joke. Not a laughing at you or trivialising joke but a playing with words sort of joke. That's why I added the 'wink' emoticon.

 

On a purely practical level, I think however irritating/confusing you find it you're just going to have to accept it as an element of social convention you just don't 'get', because pointing it out to the other person every single time it happens and explaining why it's a problem for you will, undoubtedly, get to be a bigger irritation. You could perhaps try editing together all the Mrs Doyle offering a cup of tea bits from Father Ted as aversion therapy!

 

Would you like a cup of tea, father?

No, thank you, Mrs Doyle.

Oh go on

No, I'm fine

No, go on

No, honestly, I'm fine, Mrs Doyle

Oh, go on with you - just the one cup

N0, thankyou -

Oh, go on...

 

etc etc etc...

 

It is, if you can get over your irritation, a lovely little piece of social madness to enjoy - right up there with saying 'thank you' in the newsagents:

 

20 marlboro please

Thank you (turns, gets fags, places on counter)

Thank you (pick ups fags, offers money)

Thank you (takes money. makes change. offers change.)

Thank you (takes change, turns to leave)

Thank you

Thank you...

 

Or that whole social dilema of when it is reasonable to let go of a door when you've held it open for the person behind you and another 20 people have also walked through

 

L&P

 

BD

[Mumble]

That was a joke.

Thank you (), yes, I can see that now in the clearer light of morning

 

Well, my conclusion is ... humans are weird!

 

Or that whole social dilemma of when it is reasonable to let go of a door when you've held it open for the person behind you and another 20 people have also walked through

Oh, that's easy, I've solved the being taken advantage of this way thing. There's just two rules to remember. You hold the door until either a. you see a pretty man () at which point you 'accidentally' let it go and have to apologise profusely or b. you see a woman who has her eyes on said pretty man, in which case a timely 'nose-reshaping' is totally permissible.

[Tally]

I think some people like to make sure that you understand that their offer was genuine, in case you were only turning them down due to politeness or not wanting to put them out. I think it's a fairly common thing to say, but I expect you're noticing it more than usual because you're thinking about it a lot. I don't think it's about disbelieving you, just about making sure you understand that the offer was genuine.

 

I would normally assert myself more strongly by saying something like, "no really, I'm fine thanks," or maybe explain further with something like, "no actually, I'm still quite full because I had a big lunch." SOmetimes I change my mind and say, "oh, go on then!" It seems to work OK.

 

As for whether you should be asking it yourself; I don't! Maybe I should, but I tend to assume that if someone says, "no thanks," they mean, "no thanks." I've never really thought about it before or thought it was a very important thing to do.

[Jota]

Might be an idea to try out expanding your first response a little bit so if someone asks if you want a coffee say 'no thanks, I've had enough today' or 'I've just had one thanks'. If you give them a bit of reasoning behind your answer it might satisfy them more.

[Sammysnake]

Oops, just realised how much I do this to my daughter and how annoying it might be for her.

 

Do you want a coat today Beth?

Nope.

Are you going to be warm enough without one?

Yep, I'm fine.

Are you sure, it really is chilly today.

Nah, I'll be fine.

OK, but I'm wearing one because I'll be cold...

 

This goes on and on because I really can't get my head around the fact that just because I feel cold it doesn't mean she does too. I think there's also a bit of 'other people will think I'm a bad mother if I let her go out on a cold day without a jacket'. That's my problem though, not hers so I really should trust her to know what she needs sometimes .

 

With things like offers of drinks etc I think some British people are conditioned to refuse the first offer out of politeness and wait to be offered the things a second time before accepting. I remember someone talking about a young person who went to stay with a family from another country (sorry, can't remember the full details). By the second day they complained to a friend that they were really hungry and thirsty. The hosts on arrival at the house said 'would you like a drink?' to which he said 'no I'm fine' and then waited for them to offer a second time, but they didn't. At tea time they offered food and he said, 'No I'm ok' even though he wanted food and drink but once more, they didn't offer again. It took several missed meals and drinks and a chat with his friend for him to realise these people took him at his word and if he wanted something, he had to say yes straight away!!

 

You're right Mumble, humans most definitely ARE weird and none of us get all these idiosyncracies right every time. Try not to worry about this one too much as it really is a minor one. People offer you things a second time not because you're doing or saying anything wrong but because it is a habit they have adopted or been taught. I agree with what Jota said that expanding the reason for saying no can help the other person feel more comfortable.

[Sally44]

The more we think about this subject the more nightmarish it becomes!!

I've just had over a month with my MIL who always refuses everything at the first offer. She is from abroad (don't want to name and same the country!!). But as Sammy Snake said, she just would not say 'yes' to anything first time. Maybe out of politeness or not wanting to cause trouble. But in the end she caused more distress and trouble by her continual refual.

And it is not like we dont' know eachother. I've lived with them for over 7 years and we go on holidays and stay at her house.

She would not have eaten or drunk anything during her entire stay if we had taken her first word as truth.

In the end it was VERY VERY VERY frustrating IRRITATING TO THE EXTREME.

We would go out for the day and take food for everyone but she would not want anything. Bearing in mind she does not eat anything 'English', it was a real problem. If she had just allowed us to pack stuff in the morning she would have had something to eat. As it was she always refused and then we spent the rest of the day trying to find something she would eat.

It was the same with washing her clothes. She would not let me put them in the washing machine. She insisted on handwashing everything in the bathroom sink. Then carrying it downstairs (dripping all the way) and hanging it on the line.

I offered the tumble dryer - but oh no, she wanted 'no fuss'. And so it would hang for a couple of hours and be nearly dry - then rain - then nearly dry - then rain etc etc until it had to be washed again.

 

What should have been an enjoyable stay was so stressful I could have resulted to antidepressants just to try to numb it all out.

 

So mumble, please please please, just be yourself.