Son not allowed to join in at Cubs

[Sally44]

My son has been at Cubs for around a year now.

Last night the leader (who also has an autistic child), told me about how he had been upset the previous week.

As per usual, my son had not said anything to me.

Anyway this is what happened.

 

Before Cubs official starts, the children play football together outside. My son had gone and asked if he could join in and had been told "NO". So he went and hid behind a bush until another child told the leader that there was a child crying behind the bush.

 

Now I know that what happened, happens to children all the time.

I am very pleased he used a skill he has been taught to "ask to join in". Obviously I am devasted he received a negative response and how that will make his more reluctant to ask again.

 

Then, when the adult talked to him, they asked him "who said you could not join in". My son pointed out a child, and that child said they had not said anything to him.

 

The child may have been lying. But my son also has problems with recogising people or remembering their names. My son thought the boy was saying he was a liar, and got all upset all over again. He wanted to leave. He hates others seeing him upset.

 

The staff were brilliant with him, and just sat with him in a quiet place until he was ready to join in the group again.

 

The Leader talked to all the group and said that they have to include everyone.

 

But I'm just left feeling that this world is never going to accept or include him. And he does not have the skills or strength to defend himself or find another way.

 

I know others on the forum have far greater problems going on - but this has really made me wobble. I'm trying to teach him skills and keep 'pushing him out there' and I'm wondering if that is the right thing to do.

[baddad]

Hi Sally -

Not sure exactly how old your son is, but i think it's just a case of him getting better at dealing with these situations as he grows older. To do that you have to 'push' the boundaries, because if you don't he can't develop the practical skills to negotiate them.

While it's more difficult to accept with something like cubs there are social aspects to play that have some very hard lessons for our kids to learn. One of them is that you are not always asked to join in, and that other kids can be quite nasty in excluding you. It does hurt - them and us - but it is a fact of life, and you can't really protect them from it.

It's been a few years since I've posted on it but I have in the past been heartbroken by the way other kids have treated my son. We had summer, after summer, after summer where he would watch from my living room window while the kids from the houses around us played football on the grass outside. Very occassionally, one would knock to see if he wanted to 'play', but their intention would either be to get their hands on the new toy they had seen him carrying or to play some nasty trick. Sometimes I just said no, and had to deal with his distress and anger, directed at me because he felt I was 'stopping him from making friend's, and other times I had to say yes because I knew the only way he could learn was from experiencing that pain himself... It does, bl00dy hurt...

Anyhoo -

He bombed out at Beavers after a few weeks.

We recently got a space come up in the local scout troop. He's being invested this Friday and is loving it. He's getting reacquainted with some kids he knew at primary school, and some of the ones who were indifferent (not nasty, just indifferent) to him in school are responding to him - two years on - far more favourably than they did (or were able to) as 'juniors'.

The downside is that his best friends, who are currently in the same group, are both almost a year older than him and will go up to 'Rangers' in January. Best friend (who keeps an eye on things like this for me) tells me that a few of the younger kids are a 'bit off' with him. All I can do as a dad is hope that the next couple of months, and the couple of younger kids he gets on with who aren't going up to Rangers in January, offer enough opportunities for him to develop a network that keep things on track. I'm keeping everything crossed, but - touchwood - at the mo it's looking okay.

 

In a nutshell, then, yes you (IMO) need to keep pushing at those boundaries and you also need to be quite open and honest with him about ways he can improve things for himself (like not running and hiding in the bushes). If you keep doing those things then his chances of making some reliable friends will just get better and better as time goes on.

 

L&P

 

BD

[zeldasmum]

I have a similar problem, DS has been going Karate for approx four mths. At first there was no probs but the last couple of weeks when its time to partner up the other children back away from him when he tries to get a partner.

Either my husband or I stay and watch the sessions and he hasnt been doing anything for the other kids to paick him out as different.

 

The karate instructor isn't very helpful he has heard DS saying to me I dont like Karate its boring and commented there is no point bringing him if he doesn't want to come. I don't want to teach DS that it is OK to quit plus it is good for him to interact with other kids (well it was till they started to snub him) and to help with his gross motor skills.

[baddad]

I have a similar problem, DS has been going Karate for approx four mths. At first there was no probs but the last couple of weeks when its time to partner up the other children back away from him when he tries to get a partner.

Either my husband or I stay and watch the sessions and he hasnt been doing anything for the other kids to paick him out as different.

 

The karate instructor isn't very helpful he has heard DS saying to me I dont like Karate its boring and commented there is no point bringing him if he doesn't want to come. I don't want to teach DS that it is OK to quit plus it is good for him to interact with other kids (well it was till they started to snub him) and to help with his gross motor skills.

Hi Mikey's mum -

 

The karate teacher doesn't sound very helpful - a better one might spend a bit of time 'partnering' kids up so that he didn't get little exclusive cliques forming. That said, if your son doesn't want to be there and isn't enjoying it he may, however badly expressed, have a point.

My son did judo for a while, and I've only got good things to say about the instructor, though it still ended with my son 'quitting'. The reason was more that he couldn't cope with being less skilled than the other kids (dyspraxia/poor muscle tone) and as the gap got bigger he felt more and more disheartened. Some kids were 'off' with him, but this is where the instructor made all the difference. Walking a very fine line between 'patronising' and just leaving him to sink or swim he encouraged my son, and through that mentorship (if that's the right word) lead the rest (well, most) of the kids to be more accepting too. Though slightly peeved at first, I was also really pleased when my son did decide to leave that the instructor took the time to check (diplomatically) that it wasn't me deciding that my son 'couldn't cope', and went out of his way to reassure me that he'd try to make a space in the class further down the road if my son decided he'd like to try again

Try having a chat with the instructor - maybe you can come up with some strategies that'll make karate more attractive. If not, quitting for good reasons isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you do want, as you've rightly said, to make sure it doesn't become the 'easy option'. And as for 'boring', I think you need to find a trade off . If the alternative to karate is telly or computer games then karate can look boring. If the alternative is extra homework karate will start to look very attractive to most kids.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Suze]

I spent a year as a mid-day assistant(dinner lady) ........... and as sad as it sounds something like that happens all the time, every day I would get kids upset and asking me to help as so and so would,nt let them play and join in.Football was always a tough one as very often they,ll have got teams sorted and usually the better players played together and did,nt like it when the less skilled tried to play as it spoilt the game.Kids would get so competitive about it. girls would get upset also particularly about friendship groups and falling out, there was always a group waiting at the "friendship stop" for someone to play with.Its sad but very common , and a very hard social lesson to learn, but one that I think most kids go through at some time.The hard thing is some go through it more times than others. , hope your son isn,t put off going to cubs , best wishes suzex

[Sally44]

Thank you all for your comments.

I just had a wobbly moment, a little cry, a bar of chocolate ..... and carried on.

[Suze]

we all get those wobbles <'> ..............and sometimes its the little things that get to your more than the major issues <'> hugs suzex

[Karen A]

I was at a parent support group the other day for parents of children with AS and HFA in our area.

 

I was amused to find that when cubs was mentioned it turned out that word must be getting round.I wish I knew what the leaders do but apparently the pack already has two Aspie members with another one or two on the way....I joked that perhaps the pack leader might like to advise others as they are obviously doing something right.

[Sally44]

I think the difference for my son has been that firstly the leader has a daughter on the spectrum, who presents differently to my son, but basically there are the same difficulties in the same types of skills.

 

The fact that cubs works in sixes with an adult or leader over each group makes it a small group working environment.

 

There is structure and organisation. Something is always planned. There is a formal beginning and end to each session.

 

And in our case all the leaders have been so intuitive. For example with my son on this occasion the leader said "When I saw that he was upset, I just went and sat with him. Your son said he was trying to calm down and so I said 'is it okay if I sit with you until you are calm'".

 

Then she said "I decided it would be a bad idea to try to hug him or talk to him as I felt that might make him worse." She has since emailed me saying she's been thinking about the sixes, and may change them so that there is someone on a similar level to my son in his group and who they may attempt to buddy together.

 

And this leader is not the one with an autistic child. She is just doing all the right things without any help from anyone. I wish there were more like her in our schools!

[Kathryn]

Hope things get better at Cubs with the help of the leaders. If after a bit of perseverance, it doesn't work out, try not to let it get to you, it may just not be the right group at the right time.

 

My son (who does not have AS) went to Beavers and then Cubs, but never really gelled with the Cubs, was bullied a bit, never really made friends and decided scouting wasn't his thing anyway as has always lagged a bit in his physical skills, and that's where the emphasis tends to be in scouts so rather like Baddad's son with the Karate, he got discouraged at not being able to do things as well as the others. He gave it up for a drama class where he is much happier and in his element.

[zeldasmum]

Thanks Baddad,

 

He actually enjoyed it this his week,

Sent big sis with DS, she mostly probably glared ar anyone who booted the pads too hard and deffo charmed the younger karate instructor.

He learned a new kick so he was chuffed

[baddad]

Thanks Baddad,

 

He actually enjoyed it this his week,

Sent big sis with DS, she mostly probably glared ar anyone who booted the pads too hard and deffo charmed the younger karate instructor.

He learned a new kick so he was chuffed

 

Hold on, I'm confused now... your big sis taught the younger karate instructor a new kick? Why don't you just get your sister to teach your DS karate?

Seriously, I'm glad he enjoyed it this week and hope he will continue to do so. Maybe if big sis proves a good influence (for whatever reason ) on the instructor she should take DS every week, or at least alternate? Perhaps he'll invite her back to his Dojo for saki and plawn klackers prawn crackers. Are those nunchucks in your pocket or .....

 

L&P

 

BD