Hello all

[Lizziee]

I'm 44 and have suspected I may have aspergers for a few years now, but am still finding it hard to come to terms with. I kind of want something definite to be "wrong" with me to explain why I'm the way I am, but SO badly want to be "normal", although that doesn't seem to be an option for me. I have done a couple of the online tests, and they show I'm way up there. I got my OH to do them too as I really thought I was no different to him - wrong. My biggest problem is I insult/upset people without realising I have. I try SO hard not to, and yet I still do and I really don't get why or how, even when people try and explain to me afterwards. I have repeatedly been told I'm abrupt, direct or rude, and that I tend to look disinterested when people are talking to me. Again, I really try to modify this behaviour but every now and then I slip ad people notice I'm not like them. I have always been "different" - I was a peculiar child (even I can see that looking back!) who preferred to run around on all fours, was obsessed by first birds then butterflies then South America (?). I shouted all the time and basically said odd things which meant that I was fairly friendless until I was about 14 when suddenly my schoolmates found my oddity fun, and I became very popular, albeit by being "mad". One of my main nicknames as a teenager was Moron. Something that made life possibly even harder for me was that I became a very attractive girl. This meant I predated by men but had no idea how to react or deal with it. Being as I am I obviously took everything they said literally and believed they were all in love with me (because they said they were). This made my teens and early twenties fairly tumultuous with lots of very short relationships, as I thought each relationship was "the one" and didn't understand the point of all the faff and just wanted to get married and settle down within a few dates. This, of course, just scared them away!

 

Anyway, moving on to now - I am married to a lovely man who puts up with me. No children as I just wouldn't be able to cope mentally. I still have problems but have learnt lots of coping and masking strategies over the years. I haven't learnt to empathise or to feel sad about the right things, but I have learnt to pretend to. I consciously waffle and prevaricate rather than just say what I mean, but people seem to expect this. I still find smalltalk hard (do people really talk all this drivel by choice?) and social situations difficult. I have been on citalopram for over 10 years which helps a lot - the odd attempts to come off it have been fairly disastrous.

 

I have recently taken the first steps to being diagnosed, and my GP agree that it is more than likely I have aspergers. However he is dragging his heels with referring me on. First visit he said he would research and write to me but didn't, then when I went back a month later he told me he didn't say that at all but that he would discuss it next visit. Liar. Last visit he said he would refer me to a psychiatrist who specialises in asd. That was three months ago and I haven't heard a sausage since. I really need to go back and have another go, but I feel so tired and it all seems so pointless.

 

I am in the East Midlands - has anyone else managed to get an adult diagnosis in the area? Any tips about how I should go about pushing for the next step?

 

Sorry for such a long, boring monologue - I'm feeling a bit down today and needed to get things off my chest.