Getting very worried now!

[lukesmum]

My son is waiting for an appointment to see the CAMHS (we've been waiting for nearly 2 years) He has always found school and socialising very difficult! In school he has trouble organising himself, usually loosing half his equipment or items of clothing. He has a very loud voice and if he has something to say he feels he must be allowed to say it. Homework is a chore (most of the time)He says he has no friends and nobody likes him. There is a group of boys who my son plays with where we live but guarenteed every time he goes out with them, he comes in upset, starts shouting at us, this sometimes spirals out of control and he ends up curled up on the carpet shaking and crying his eyes out or he goes up to his room and breaks things, eventually WHEN he calms down he tells us he's ended up arguing with them and they ALL gang up on him and start punching him, he works himself up so much and sometimes says he wishes he could end it all. I have tried talking to other parents about the problem but as my son can be quite volatile at times they tend to blame him. I am at my wits end it's been two long years and I just wish SOMEONE would turn to me and say "it's not his fault" but when anything happens my son always gets the blame - it's come to a point now where we've decided to keep him in for his own safety.

Any advice would be gratefully recieved - Thanks

[JGardner]

Sounds a bit like my son who probably has asperger's syndrome. could you go back to your gp adn ask for your son to be referred to be assessed to see what his problems might be and explain how down he is getting, and that these problems he is having seem to indicate he has a communication difficulty. could you call the camhs in their department and get their secretary to let you know how much longer you will have to wait or maybe write to them telling them the trouble he is having and if they could refer him to someone who deals with A.S.D ?, as if that is the main problem sometimes cahms won't help or just refer him themselves. Could you ask to see the schools community paediatrician or educational psychologist or both, to see if they will refer him or get him seen quicker.. I live in west lothian and only waited a few months to get seen and get appointments as the school doctor referred him and we went to our gp oursleves adn got him refreeed to cahms who then said they woudl be refering him to A>>S>D clinic as it is nto a mental helath problem unless he gets depressed or very anxious

[baddad]

Hi Lukesmum -

 

I know where you're coming from, having had exactly the same issues with my own son in the past. I've also had him crying and being really angry at me for being the one who has to say 'thanks but no thanks' when kids with less than friendly motives come knocking on the door saying they want to be friends...

 

I think you need to look at this from 2 angles - firstly that he does need to be protected from kids with ulterior motives, but also that he needs to develop social skills so he can find some genuine friends. If he's argumentative and volatile (or controlling, or a 'bad loser' or anything else like that) with other kids then they aren't going to want to play with him purely on his terms, and that's a lesson he has to learn just as much as any other kid. Social might not come naturally to him, but if he wants to 'do' social he's got to learn the rules and regs too...

 

If you can get him into some organised social situations - cubs or community groups, after schools clubs, drama groups etc etc - this is going to be easier for him that unsuperviesd 'play' where there's no adult directing things. You need to be helping him into those kinds of situations, but then backing off as much as you can back off to let him learn to negotiate them alone. You could also be working on 'play skills' at home - things like turn taking, not getting upset if losing, not being argumentative or volatile if things don't go his way etc. get out and about as much as you can to parks, pools etc and again help him 'negotiate' playing with other kids but have very firm expectations about his behaviour so the other kids aren't 'put off'.

 

I'm sure there will be many who will disagree, but personally I don't have much truck for emotional blackmail like 'I wish I was dead' (wants to end it all). Kids do talk in extremes ('I hate you', 'I didn't ask to be born' etc etc) and the more you respond to it the more they will raise the stakes. Like I say, many I'm sure will disagree, and if you do feel free to ingore it, but it's certainly true that kids will look to get extra mileage from any strategy that works for them, so if you do feel you have to respond at least try to respond in a way that doesn't reward such talk.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh PS: Just wanted to add that as far as socialising goes, CAMHS won't have much to offer 'cos it really does come down to learning 'how to'. They might have some knowledge about local groups and clubs and things, though, and possibly you could access some sort of 'communication group' through them (my son used to attend one in half terms) that could help him learn interaction skills.

Edited April 11, 2011 by baddad

[lindy2017]

My son is waiting for an appointment to see the CAMHS (we've been waiting for nearly 2 years) He has always found school and socialising very difficult! In school he has trouble organising himself, usually loosing half his equipment or items of clothing. He has a very loud voice and if he has something to say he feels he must be allowed to say it. Homework is a chore (most of the time)He says he has no friends and nobody likes him. There is a group of boys who my son plays with where we live but guarenteed every time he goes out with them, he comes in upset, starts shouting at us, this sometimes spirals out of control and he ends up curled up on the carpet shaking and crying his eyes out or he goes up to his room and breaks things, eventually WHEN he calms down he tells us he's ended up arguing with them and they ALL gang up on him and start punching him, he works himself up so much and sometimes says he wishes he could end it all. I have tried talking to other parents about the problem but as my son can be quite volatile at times they tend to blame him. I am at my wits end it's been two long years and I just wish SOMEONE would turn to me and say "it's not his fault" but when anything happens my son always gets the blame - it's come to a point now where we've decided to keep him in for his own safety.

Any advice would be gratefully recieved - Thanks

Hi, I know how you feel my son nearly 12 has problems going to school so he ahs tutor coming to home twice a week he getsreallly anxious have seen CAMHS a couple of times and now waiitng to to see nurse so she can get to know campbell dr not made up his mind yet......he goes offon ranting rages has spoke about killing himself meltdowns...my other 3 older children have aspie traits......it is hard every day.....i only waited 6 months so can understand .....lindy

[Sally44]

As BD says you have to monitor the neighbourhood 'friends', and try to set him up in some clubs that are about his areas of interest.

As his mum you also need to have a good think about what level he is functioning at academically, socially and emotionally. There are some children that do okay mainstream with support and therapy and programmes and parents doing an awful lot to try to teach their son some of these skills. Some children cope with that. But some don't.

 

If he does not have good social interaction skills or emotional regulation skills these are things that the SALT, Clinical Psychology and maybe CAHMS could help with. But the difficulty you usually get is that Health, and Education are somewhat separate. In our area Clinical Psychology usually offers the parent a set number of appointments in which they 'teach' the parent how to 'teach' the child. But they do not offer anything within school. As our children tend to have difficulties generalising skills from one setting ie. home, into another ie. school, neighbourhood etc the best approaches are used in both settings.

 

If your son is very self aware and is starting to say the things that you say he is saying like he wishes he was dead, then it is useful to be seen by CAHMS. And if they dont' know he is saying these things then I would go to the GP and ask them to speed up the referal process. If there are any other signs of anxiety such as headaches, being unable to sleep, escalating tears and tantrums, stomache aches, vomitting etc - these can all be indications of a rising level of anxiety. And it is wiser to go on what the child is saying even if they are not using a voice tone that indicates a high level of distress. I say that because that is what my son did/does.

 

Have word with school too. Is there anything they do, or could do to increase the level of structure during dinnertimes or playtimes. Do they feel he struggles at these times. Have they referred him to the SALT for them to assess his social interaction/communication skills. Does he have an emotional literacy programme in school. Do they use any games with him to introduce him to other children in turn taking/sharing activities?

 

Does he have an IEP and are any of the targets related to these difficulties. You can talk to school/SALT/EP and discuss your concerns, and you can ask for IEP targets to reflect these difficulties so that those areas can be worked on in school.

 

Do you feel that he is deteriorating?

Edited April 11, 2011 by Sally44