Personal dilemma

[Tanya52]

Dear all,

 

I’ll appreciate a piece of advice if you have a minute.

 

One year ago or so I signed on with another Autistic network’s message board. I liked to be a member, found some support and met some lovely people. I also observed that some of the people had tantrums and there were some very bad clashes between ‘regular’ and ‘newcomers’. Once a 19 y. o. girl, student who had experienced a bad personal drama was verbally abused and pushed off the network by an older autistic woman. That woman, according to her, was something like a self-employed healer and she was diagnosed “by Tony Attwood himself” some years ago. She never shut up telling every day how much she loves her autism and made a few enemies. I did not take any part in any of her “disputes” but later to my disappointment observed one more time she did the same to a young man just a few months ago. That girl and that young man were really friendly and couldn’t understand why she attacked them, nor can I.

 

What is interesting to me is my reaction to all this issue. I hate that B****. She controls the board to some degree. I felt sorry for two young people who was looking for support, sharing and making some friends, found a monster whose agenda is in destroying other’s already damaged confidence and then capitalising on it. Yes, she won some regulars who admired her zero empathy and mistook it for her strength. To make a long story shorter, I’m very puzzled why I hate her? Is it because I’m frighten that I’m like her? That is bothering me. Ok, she is an Asperger’s, so is nearly everyone on that network. And is it a good enough reason to justify such cruelty?

 

Thanks for reading this.

[Mumble]

Well firstly I'd say welcome to the world of forums!! Any forum, as I suspect any group of 'real' people, is going to attract its share of 'oddities' (was that polite enough? And no - I'm not speaking as one who knows... ). I've found it much easier to deal with such people by doing a little eye-rolling and little giggle to myself, and then leaving them be. It's also important to recognise that neither they, nor you, are under any obligation to read or write anything on any forum - if you feel really uncomfortable somewhere, then don't spend your time there.

 

Ok, she is an Asperger’s, so is nearly everyone on that network. And is it a good enough reason to justify such cruelty?

No. There's the simple answer.

 

I’m very puzzled why I hate her? Is it because I’m frighten that I’m like her?

Maybe, but I guess only you can answer that. I tend to use 'hate' where others may use 'don't like a lot' or other words because I have more limited expressions for how I feel about people and I know I tend to use the extremes to try and express how I feel so I'll say I hate someone (particularly where I haven't had time to think about a situation) when this may not be how I feel.

[baddad]

Hi Tanya -

 

I think this is a very difficult one for anyone to answer, because the impressions you have of the 'healer' woman are entirely subjective (though I'll admit myself, that just the word healer is enough to 'subjectively' put me off, and I don't know her from Eve!), as are your intepretations that she 'attacked' the newcomers to the forum's boards. It could be that she simply disagreed with them, and, particularly if she disagreed with them over issues which represent a personal sore-spot for you (or perhaps even the majority of the forum users), that by doing so she rubbed you up the wrong way.

 

Again, if your personal circumstances, or situation or even 'psychology' led you to feel sympathetic towards the newcomers then you may well have perceived them as 'victims' and the woman as someone victimising them, and that would impact dramatically on how you perceived her, but the fact that you 'hate the B*tch' doesn't necessarily mean that she is a b*tch or that what you perceive as 'attacks' are in fact 'attacks'. She may well be offering advice that is genuinely intended to be helpful, and she may well have deeply held convictions of her own that are being challenged by what the newcomers are posting. Certainly the conclusion you've drawn - that she's 'a monster', with an 'agenda to destroy other people's already damaged confidence and then capitalise on it' can only be a subjective one, unless she's actually come out and said it(?)

 

Whether she has Aspergers or not is irrelevant - if she is behaving in the way you say then Asperger's neither explains nor justifies it. If by 'zero empathy' you mean 'zero tolerance' then, depending on what she applies 'zero tolerance' to it may well be that she herself would express the same view that asperger's neither explains nor justifies(?).

 

As for your own response to the woman, it could be that you can identify something of her in yourself - it's sometimes the case that the things we like least about ourselves are the things we find most offensive in others, and certainly your intolerance of her could mirror the lack of tolerance (or empathy) you feel she has shown to others. Alternatively, it could be that you feel challenged by what she says because you can identify with it or 'see her point' and with regard to the issues under discussion they are not perspectives you feel comfortable with. Denial can be a very strong motivator for dislike (hatred), and by it's very nature the more people confront something one wants or needs to deny the more extreme the responses can be.

 

You don't say whether you still use (or want to use) the forum this woman posts on, but if so probably the most effective thing you can do is ignore her. She can't force you (or anyone else) to listen to what she has to say, and it is only really your reaction to it that 'empowers' her. There's a chance, however, that she doesn't feel 'empowered' at all - and that she's feeling equally frustrated, demoralised and upset at having her convictions challenged.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[GaryS]

I think all fora have this type of character and by their very nature, electronic chat media will always have this series of stereotyped individuals just as society in general does (e.g. the regulars down the pub). Some forum admin will not tolerate the more vitriolic, others are less good mannered but the type of character is always there - just not as nasty. Whatever the level of bile you don't have to listen to it, many forum software allows blocking but a little self-regulation not to read their drivel is a simple matter of self control and if it gets so one can't one always has the ability to log out permanently.

 

I think many of these individuals, with a Dx on the spectrum or not, are simply exhibiting there disability to cope with the outside world. Should they be unable to socialise they do it on the forums and vent their anger, should they be able to socialise but unable to respond to the challenges of being social then they vent their anger here too. In most cases it has everything to do with their situation and little to do with you. I've already said that people who frequent fora are almost invariably on the spectrum, if those individuals are on an ASC forum looking for help with their children then it's a virtual given; even if they don't know it - the most heritable condition...

 

I'd say to hell with her and don't rise to the bait. It's that challenge that most of these "forum trolls" crave - they feel empowered by upsetting someone, knowing that they can't be touched. I think the best advice is just avoid and never engage, be prepared for some elevated nastiness as she tries for goad you further. There are people on the forums who are supposed to be professional, caring people who, despite there clear intelligence, are only interested in their own self-promotion to try and repair that huge chip on their shoulder. Sad, dangerous people.

[Tanya52]

Hello Mumble,

 

Many thanks for your post. If I’m not mistaken your viewpoint is in taking nothing personally. I like it and it’s one of my very desirable personal goals. I respect your politeness strategy. It might work well for you but I’m a bit literate or shall we say ‘simple’ in describing my feelings and it’s always ricocheting back to me. British super-politeness is still a great mystery to me even I spent a great deal of time studying it. Please do not get me wrong, I do treasure it. As I said I hate that woman, because those two kids were asking her again and again to leave them along but she never did till they left.

 

How the two quarrels started? The girl admitted that her personal hygiene is not perfect and she sometimes forgets to clean her teeth or to washing her hair. Those were all her “sins”.

 

The boy introduced himself as an artist and a writer whose project is to write a book about autism. She began questioning his sincerity that made him to disclose some personal information, which I presume, was not very easy for him.

So he too had to go.

 

As you said none of us has an obligation to do anything we don’t want to. I observed that they did not want to leave defeated. Both had an IQ well above overage because the girl was doing her BS in math and the boy published, from my point of view, some very impressive works of art.

 

I’m very appreciative for your time.

I have to think more.

[Tanya52]

Hello Baddad,

 

I appreciate your post and it’s a really good way to look on all this issue from your point of view.

 

I know that my first post is emotionally charged and very subjective, that’s why I’m asking for help. This emotional garbage is very restrictive for even to start thinking critically about myself. Just as I though ‘the healer’ got under my skin because her luck of empathy which I describe as been unable to understand or share the feelings of another or simply put yourself in someone’s shoes.

 

I think that you answered my questions about a mirror image. Just as I thought I’m like her! Never mind, I’ll change.

 

my deepest gratitude for your help. X

[Tanya52]

Hello Gary,

 

Thanks for your post, it is comforting.

 

I might be very naïve thinking that Autism networks are there to support people in need. But of course they are many things including support. The fact that I became emotionally hooked – hate is a very powerful stuff just like jealousy. I don’t think that I have some good tools to deal with it. At first I made a presupposition that I’m a coward because of my uneasiness to pick up the fight with her and to support those kids. There were a few very articulate people that were trying to mediate and calm things down. Now all of them left for some reason. That network not only does not stimulate me any more but also gave me a bitter feeling that I was fooled.