Lyndalou Report post Posted November 3, 2011 Well, that lovely empty feeling in the pit of my tum tum is just getting bigger and bigger....It never goes away but sometimes it's worse than at other times and there's nothing better to make it worse than the good ol' 'Dear John'. In my head of course...I'm just rehearsing the other person's part in my thoughts and my responses (or lack of it). It's ok, I'll just walk away and pretend it never was. I'll smile nicely at you and nod if I see you in the street and I'll withdraw myself from anything you're to do with so it's not just you, it's everyone else who is in the circle too. I know I'm rambling but hey-ho! I've done it before, I can do it again... I'm wondering if Mr Branson would let out his island paradiso while everything is still a bit charred at cut-price. You think??? Who cares? Well I do actually...but, again I'll pretend otherwise. I'm pretty damn good at grinning and bearing it and crying behind closed doors and any closed door will do. A 'Dear John', even a virtual one is a closed door too, isn't it? What's the point in getting too close? None. It's only further to walk away when the time comes, isn't it? If I try to explain myself, I'll look desperate and say something you'll take the wrong way.... If I don't say anything, I'll look like I don't care. It's a lose, lose situation whatever way, isn't it? Oh well.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sally44 Report post Posted November 3, 2011 I presume you are talking about the break up of a relationship? Are you expecting that this is going to happen? If so, why not bring up the subject and say the things you want to say. It may not be as bad as you think. Or you may end up separating. But at least you won't be wondering if things would have been different if you had said what you wanted/needed to say?? A breakup is painful. And most relationships do end this way, until you find someone you are able to live with for life - and that is not easy. And if it does end, remember how wonderful it was in the beginning because that will happen all over again with the next person you have a relationship with. I have been married once before (for 7 years) [currently married to husband number two for the last 13 years]. And it was awful when we split up. And I was the one that instigated it. I had loved him and had expected to stay with him for all our lives. But it changed. I changed/he changed - I don't know. I just know that the thought of staying with him for another month, nevermind forever, made me feel ill. So I left. He wasn't a bad person. But he was very selfish, and he put together his life and routine around all his likes/dislikes and never ever considered me at all ever. I wasn't prepared to be treated like the housekeeper. Anyway, the point is, life goes on. And you just have to ride out those emotions. That is what emotions are for. What would any relationship be like without emotions? Very dull. So when you are feeling very bad remind yourself that practically everyone on this planet has, or will go through what you are feeling, and that you will get over it and move onto something or someone else. In the meantime allow yourself to be sad and even to grieve for the lost relationship. The more you have invested into this relationship in terms of emotions the worse you will feel. But after some time you will move on. When I separated from my first husband and I left, that meant I had to find myself somewhere else to live, I had to find another job, and I had to find myself a totally different circle of friends. In the end I emigrated [a bit drastic, but that was one of my dreams I wanted to fulfill and the opportunity arose, so I took it]. I had a tough year, living in a country where I had to learn a totally different language and culture. But I achieved it and after that it was all upwards and onwards after that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lyndalou Report post Posted November 3, 2011 Sorry Sally I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and I just don't know quite how to express it. Just in a bit of a downward spiral because I'm going through another period of losing friends, right, left and centre TBH, I don't think the feelings really would be any different if my marriage DID break up (and it's been coming close at times). I know it's a self-fulfilling prophecy...you know that the more you dwell on it, analyse it, overanalyse it, the worse it's going to get. However, now I know it's all a part of the equation - persaverative thought and all that - it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the overwhelming waves of whatever-it-is that I feel when I'm just sitting here, dwelling on it and trying to get to the point where I can walk out the door, plaster a smile on my face and do the old 'Hi, how are you? Yes, I'm fine. The family well?' blah-de-blah when I've come close to getting myself taken in as a voluntary patient twice this year because it's just got so damned hard! I found it rather funny in a perverse way when I told one of the ladies who ran our Cygnet course that I believe that I have Aspergers and she said 'You've done very well for yourself then, you've got friends and you're married'. I thought 'How do you know I've got friends, I never told you' but I just smiled and said 'I've learned over the years to keep my mouth shut'. Then when I had an extra crappy day one day I saw my therapist she said 'Sometimes it's best not to talk to your partner all the time about these things, you could talk to your friends' and I thought 'Well, which one would that be then? The only way I've kept them is not to talk about my problems'. Cos you see, since I've started talking about things, it would seem that everyone is disappearing, thick and fast. No-one believes me, not really. I now know 2 other women, 1 diagnosed, 1 not and the parallels in our lives are glaringly obvious. Lynda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) Who cares? Well I do actually...but, again I'll pretend otherwise. I'm pretty damn good at grinning and bearing it and crying behind closed doors and any closed door will do. A 'Dear John', even a virtual one is a closed door too, isn't it? What's the point in getting too close? None. It's only further to walk away when the time comes, isn't it? If I try to explain myself, I'll look desperate and say something you'll take the wrong way.... If I don't say anything, I'll look like I don't care. It's a lose, lose situation whatever way, isn't it? I'm not big on hugging but I just want to hug you - no offence or weirdness intended, its just that I've felt a similar way so many times before, pretending is so hard, but how can people even know how hard it is for you if you pretend so well? Give yourself a couple of days every now and then to not pretend (even if you spend them alone its better than cracking up). The world makes me pretend. The world I live in forces me to fit in with it which then suggests everything about me is wrong somehow - otherwise why would I have to pretend? Do you feel that way sometimes? In a really depressive way I love your "whats the point in getting close...." sentence - it should go down in literary history its so cool There is every point in you trying to explain yourself to your partner - maybe you are desperate not to lose him, there is nothing wrong with that sometimes - obviously being desperate all the time would be a little er tragic I guess, but its better to look desperate and maybe keep someone you love than to not say anything and look like you don't care and potentially push them away - that's what I think at least Then when I had an extra crappy day one day I saw my therapist she said 'Sometimes it's best not to talk to your partner all the time about these things, you could talk to your friends' and I thought 'Well, which one would that be then? The only way I've kept them is not to talk about my problems'. Cos you see, since I've started talking about things, it would seem that everyone is disappearing, thick and fast. No-one believes me, not really. I now know 2 other women, 1 diagnosed, 1 not and the parallels in our lives are glaringly obvious. Referring to my earlier comment on pretending... If I'm honest with friends they leave. If I lie they stay. I hate to have to lie and pretend but being alone isn't so hot either I listen to this when I feel similar to how you describe Its pretty depressing but I like the line about everyone he loves going away in the end - great for feeling sorry for yourself (I actually prefer the nine inch nails version but it has a swear word in it so I opted for this one - its probably more depressing - the NIN one has some great sounds that perfectly sum up these feelings without words I think). Best Darkshine PS the song is off NIN's album "the downward spiral" which you said earlier which is what made me think of it Edited November 3, 2011 by darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lyndalou Report post Posted November 4, 2011 Many thanks for the virtual hug and for the song! Music is so cathartic sometimes - this one that makes you reflect on how people effect each other and others that make you forget... I know it's a bit of a non-song in a way but although the lyrics are simple, I used to find that it helped when I listened to DB Boulevard 'Point of View' (sorry, can't do the techie stuff!!) 'Can't you see. Life's easy when you consider things from another point of view'. I do try very hard to do that when things get on top of me. My husband is doing his best to understand but a lot has gone on this year...getting my little boy's diagnosis, us having a new baby and then me 'finding out' and all the fallout that's come after. He says he'd like things to go back to the way things were. The way things were were when I didn't say how bad a day I'd had or when after I had my first child, how badly I'd coped. I didn't even want my own husband to know how 'useless' I felt... As I say, I've always (within reason) been able to turn on the smiles and 'pretend' for want of a better word. I don't really like the word 'pretend' because I've always just considered it as 'Not drawing attention to or deflecting attention away from weaknesses' and has always just been a means of protection even from my 'closest' friends (including husband). Now that I'm being more upfront about things, I feel very exposed... I just feel I owe it to my children to be upfront. I don't want my kids to think their mum's a fraud. Wading though going on 40 years of baggage is extremely difficult though. It's even more difficult to face up to that in order to work towards being happy in my own skin, I need to shed yet more people along the way because of one of the following: they don't believe what I'm saying / they don't believe it's ever been as bad as I say it has sometimes got / are fed up with me going on about it / they don't like the 'alternative' me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted November 4, 2011 Your welcome for the song and virtual hug What you have to do sounds so impossible - but just because it sounds it, doesn't mean it is. It's hard to find the fight inside to carry on when everything seems so set against you. I have a fair amount of baggage to deal with too and I can completely sympathise, especially when I get stuck going on and on about the same things that I just can't seem to resolve. When your husband says he wants things to be how they were, its hard for you to hear, but I think to a degree you understand what he means (nothing like complete ignorance sometimes in hindsight when loads of things have happened or things have been revealed that turn your life upside down), I often wish this myself, that things would go back to how they were, but they never can and how they were probably wasn't that hot to start with The biggest hope I give myself, and I hope you can see it too, is that you can see what's going wrong. Now that might sound totally stupid - but in a very simple way it is true, because being aware of the issues, and trying to deal with them as a consequence, all points to improvement. If you weren't aware then you'd bury your head in the sand (as I have done so many times before). Another thing to remember is this: when we long for better times in the past - it is worth remembering that a lot of the time it didn't feel that great while it was happening, it is only after something goes wrong that we appreciate what we had before - dunno if the moral to this is a "lets enjoy each day" kinda thing (I cannot do this myself at this point in my life) but I do try to appreciate that when things feel bad, I know for certain that they can be a damn sight worse Its so scary overhauling your life, personally I don't know where to start in my own, but I think a lot of what you say sounds like there can be a positive spin somewhere it just needs you to find your space in the world with people who like you for you - so many times I have gained and lost friends because I have to lie to make them like me or stick around - I am now trying to find a balance - when I meet new people (which is rare as I don't go out hardly) I try to tell them a bit more and try to "pretend" a bit less - I hate having to be someone I'm not just to keep people in my life - I now believe that if they don't like most of me they can f off from now on (just wait for the next time it gets to me and I'll be on here moaning about friends too ). I hope you find what you are looking for, the search can be very long sometimes x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeolienne Report post Posted December 4, 2011 Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted December 4, 2011 Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? That's a very philosophical question - I would have said yes once - but I had a similar experience with life... I got so much better than I am now, saw some more of the little world than the one I live in, then watched it all spiral back into the darkness - and now its torture because I know what I could have had, and it makes the life I have now seem even worse - in some ways I wish I'd never known - but maybe knowing that there's things out there gives some people hope to get it again - like love maybe? I'm not sure though Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
