How i feel (Random pen scribbling at 4am in the morning)

[Fourthdimension]

Well i wrote this at 4am and it was only really trying to express how i feel through paper but since it did nt turn out to bad i guess i decided to post it here. I dont intend to offend anyone and hope i dont come across that way and in fact i see myself as inferior to the rest of society not superior so in know way do i have a god like complex or an ego-centric, alpha-male dominance. To be honest i think of myself as equal to others or inferior to others and i do not go around pretending to be the alpha male because am more than happy to just slip away behind the scenes without been noticed and i am often quite modest. So please dont take my feelings in the wrong way because there not intended to insult people. To be honest i only decided to post them here incase someone happens to read them and feel the same as me and maybe become motivated partially because of what i say below. If noone gets anything from it then am glad you took the time to read this in an attempt to try and empathise with me.

 

This is how i feel " Sometimes i feel so scared, anxious and paranoid devoired by a somber world of gloom. I feel like a broken puppet and i feel lost not because of Aspergers but because of something else going on in my life. For years i have run from this problem, hid from this problem sometimes i would nt get out of bed for weeks because of this. I hated waking up because "Anxiety" would be waiting to clutch me in his claws and make me wish i was never born. I wish i could die! If god gave me one wish i would wish i could die !!! but i dont quit and even if i want to quit and die i wont because am sick of running from problems , sick of people minipulating nme, sick of life been so somber and gloomy, sick of not been able to function or breath properly or think properly because of this and not been able to open my eyes in the nmorning to glorious day but rather i open them to realise i am imprisoned by anxiety. Sick of people thinking am different than them too and looking down upon me as if i was dirt on there shoes. I am going to take a stand and if it goes bad then least i know i tried my very best. I want to take a stand so i can wake up in the morning and see the beauty of life and walk around thinking about how much i love this world rather than how much i want out of this world.

 

I am not dirt on there shoes I am a person and without been bigheaded i can say i am intellectual and have a good brain and i can do anything with it.

 

If we were nt so modest we would raise our heads and say " your wrong mate, your the dirt on my shoes . you do nothing significant except roll around in your own ###### and hope that one day the man in the clouds will give you redemption. I am significant and everything i do is significant and i dont waste my time like you , i actually think and try to improve myself and be a better person instead of burying myself in my own ###### like most of society does." this is what i would tell them.

 

Maybe the time for modesty is over. I use to think that it was only moral to be modest but then is it not also courageous to stand up for yourself is it not bravery to look in the face of your enemies and is it not pride to stand tall and well i guess am not dying for a cause nor dying at all but is it not martyrdom to die for a cause(stand up for yourself against the odds). so maybe it is time to get over our own modesty and to silence the demons that haunt us particularly anxiety and paranoia and to stand tall and say "This is me!!!" . If the majority of half-witted twats can minipulate us in a way that makes us not want to not live then imagine what you can do for the better with your brain. maybe you will discover something that is revolutionary, maybe you will nurture a family , maybe you will help people understand or maybe you will show the half-wits how minipulative you can be compared to them.

 

When i am older i would love to have a decent job with a loving family. Maybe 2 kids and each day i would show them how beautiful life is whilst showing them life is hard and if one is to survive then indepence, intellect, love, logic , understanding is all important and my farm would be at the foot of the mountains and i would always show my wife whoever she maybe , that i love her and she is my world. Thats all i want from the world. I have no doubt that if i wanted to do something revolutionary or if i wanted to preach understanding or hate i could and i guess we have brains and can be anything we want to be but all i want is a family to love.

 

I cant have that because of my current situation and it hurts and every day i wake up knowing that death is a better place for me not just better but i crave for it . i idealise it like a man idealises freedom because death is my freedom . Its my liberation from earthly pain but i wont quit life by killing myself because then i am not a man. A man should stand in the face of his adversaries and say here i am , i dont want to hurt you but if you try to hurt me then i will pulverize you. I will crush you ! and he should always try to improve himself and be the best he can and even though sensitivity is a feminine trait i feel a man should always be sensitive to his nearest and dearest and express himself passionatly and fully so that when he dies he can enjoy the beauties of death and be satisfied at his attempt at life but if "i" quits then in my eyes in it makes "me" unworthy of death.

 

I do not believe in the bible but these are a few good passages i like:

 

"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor surrender my body to the flames but have not love, i am nothing.

 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears."

 

The thing is

- we do have the faith to move mountains and we might not have the gift of prophecy but we control our own destiny and we can solve any mystery put before us . we delight with truth . but if you have not love you are nothing and sometimes it is hard to love when we feel seperate and thats why we need to start to make a stand to show them .the passage says "hope", "perserves" and "protects" so if you have love then you have these .

 

" For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears."

 

this means when we realise we are not seperate and dont have to be abused by the profanity of society . when we realise this our problems will be put at ease and we will see the beauty we have never seen before and realise that this is a beautiful world and you are lucky to be alive and most of all that this is your life and you control it.

 

So for everyone in a time of need just be strong and look within for the courage to stand tall in the face of your adversarie no matter how much it hurts you or scares you or makes you want to cower away. lift your head high and look them in the eyes and make your stand.

[darkshine]

I always advise myself against random pen scribbling at 4am - definitely a bad idea

 

But why? You may ask...

 

Because most things people write at 4 in the morning are things they wouldn't say in the cold light of day, they are the closest glimpse inside someone and probably greater truths because at 4am there's no one around, its quiet and dark and you can show yourself, see the self that hides inside during the day while your "other self" is operating in everyone's view.

 

Anyway, I was kinda with you till the all hail the good fight part - never been very good at all that jazz meself.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

Writing from the mires...