Tanya52 Report post Posted December 20, 2011 (edited) Yesterday I’ve been to a reader group’s discussion. The book they've read triggered quite controversial points of view about its language, structure and characterisation. The lady with a more negative opinion about this book was in a minority group. She’s articulate and explained in a nut shell why this book is doing nothing for her. I observed that her speech was more driven by emotions and luck of analytical points. I listened her carefully and presumably my body language and face expression were encouraging because I’m interested in readers’ communication, cognition & evaluative skills. What happened next is still puzzling me and I’ll appreciate if you can help me to navigate in this situation. She observed that I was listening carefully and nodding with acceptance. As she took a floor with her next turn she addressed me “You’ve read this book, haven’t you?” I said that I haven’t. She completely broke her eye contact with me and ignored me during the rest of the session. I assume that I did violate one of the social codes? What has happened? Did it make her feel uncomfortable? thanks Edited December 20, 2011 by Tanya52 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted December 20, 2011 (edited) Simple - she probably thought you had read the book - cuz from what you said it would look like you were agreeing with her - and as such indicating a knowledge of what she was saying - and when you said you hadn't read it, she was possibly irritated about the mixed signal, because she might have thought you agreed and so would add more to her "side" of things... (by the way - I think it was the nodding that did it - that's what looks like agreeing) For example - ages ago, was in the pub with a mate, and some other people, they started talking about football, some guys are raving about their team, my mates doing what you did, looking like he agreed, and was interested, one guy says "who do you support then?", My mate goes "no one, I don't like football", so everyone looks at him strangely and ignores him for the rest of the conversation... I think its the mixed signals I might be wrong though - but it seems similar - and I've had it happen to me too Edited December 20, 2011 by darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tanya52 Report post Posted December 20, 2011 You might hit the nail on the head with this one. Looks pretty similar to my situation. So, the default technique is not just to listen carefully and but also to control my face expression and body language. I have to admit that I do send mixed signals because can’t explore adequate ones on a hoof. About football supporters I guess they are a different breed. I guess that the simple rule would be to take a neutral stand and to say something like “I’m more into X or Y”. Or might be better to tell a self-deprecating joke? I found in Kate Fox’s Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour that in English conversation, no matter what one thinks about a topic the default answer should always be an agreement. One can mitigate the anser to any degree, even create multiple meanings but still packing it as agreement. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted December 22, 2011 I have no words to describe how great your responses are - funny, yet clinical, general, yet so exact... Anyway... Controlling everything is hard to do - I only know about this mistake because I've done it a fair few times - I don't worry about expression too much cuz my face is quite neutral most of the time (the only time it isn't is when I find something funny, or I'm angry, or when I find it suddenly impossible to lie) the rest of the time its fairly neutral... If I was in a similar situation I'd try to look interested (not easy, due to neutral facial expressions - unless I'm absolutely fascinated - which is very rare) I'd have 2 main approaches 1. If I know what they are talking about - I'd try to look interested, by looking in their direction, I might smile - it sounds weird though and I might nod at points where I agreed or saw what they meant, or if it was interesting. 2. If I didn't know what they were talking about - I'd just remove the smiling and nodding - and I'd try not to look peed off sorry I mean like trying to find a positive expression without smiling, but not looking disinterested - sorry pml cuz I haven't got a clue what on earth THAT would look like!!!!! By the way... if you feel you'd like to smooth over this very minor issue with the lady, you could say that you were sorry you gave her the wrong impression and was just very interested in her different take on the book - I've found this kind of explanation can make people forgive the mistake - which seems to ease possible future interactions - you never know what people can add to your life I guess Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
